‘Dear friend, I’d even shave my armpits.’
CHAPTER 44
Alec knew that Rosa wouldn’t contact him lightly about something so serious, so he immediately packed a small rucksack, put on Brown’s lead and headed for the West Cliffs path. He was relieved to reach the familiar bench halfway up to the cliffs and see the hunched figure of Lucas Hannafore sitting on it. Despite him having his coat hood pulled over his head, the young man was shivering, Alec could see.
‘All right, chap?’ Alec said friendlily.
‘I was just going, mate.’ Lucas went to stand up.
‘Oh, don’t move on mine and old Brown’s behalf. I call this my thinking bench. Rain or shine, if I need to think, up we come. I’ve got some coffee if you want to share it?’
Lucas sighed and slumped back on the bench. He knew of Alec because Rosa had mentioned him, but only to say that he was now hooked up with Sara from the café and he was a shrink of some kind. Lucas had never been able to understand people who went to counselling. He thought they were weak, that you should be able to talk though your problems with those closest to you without having to pay for the bloody privilege.
‘I feel devoid of thought or feeling at the moment,’ he said dully.
‘I’m sorry for your loss, lad.’ Alec handed him a steaming cardboard cup of coffee. ‘It comes as it is, milk and two sugars.’
‘Thanks. And thank you about my mum. Yeah, they don’t teach about death or how to handle it at school or anywhere, do they?’ Lucas cupped his hands around his hot drink.
‘Sadly, no. Nor do they teach us how to talk to each other about it, for that matter. We men are the worst at that, yet we often need it the most.’
Silence was one of the main tools Alec used in his work. The two men sat looking out to sea, watching a solitary fishing boat heading into the mist. Brown, sitting dutifully at his master’s feet, held the offer of a warm coat for the troubled young man beside him to stroke.
Alec was relieved when it was Lucas who eventually decided to talk. ‘My old man is dead too, you know, and with my brother grieving too and, well, with the other person I love, not really being able to talk to her… I don’t know who to talk to.’
‘Brown’s an amazing listener.’ Alec put his hand on Lucas’s shoulder. ‘He hears all my troubles and woes, doesn’t argue, doesn’t even flap an ear.’
Lucas managed a smile. ‘You’re lucky.’
‘OK,’ Alec said softly. ‘Hit me with it, if you want to.’
‘I don’t want to sound like a dick, but I’ve been having these dark thoughts.’
‘Like what?’
‘I’m finding it hard to see a future without my mum and that someone else.’
‘Go on.’
‘The pub – well, it’s always been my home. Wherever I’ve lived, whichever part of the world I’ve travelled to, I always knew that I could come home. Home to the Ship Inn. And now the lease is up at Christmas on my London flat and I don’t know what to do. I’ve got mates in London, of course, but most of them are married – got kids. And my brother, he’s got his own family.’
‘So, you’ve got nieces, nephews?’
‘Two nieces, one nephew. They are great kids. They call me Uncle Louie – always have.’
‘That’s pretty cool.’ Alec took a slurp of coffee. ‘Kids open our eyes to things, speak the real truth.’
‘It’s not that I want to top myself.’ Hearing these words allowed Alec to instantly relax. The troubled lad went on, ‘I’m definitely not brave enough to kamikaze myself over a bloody cliff edge, that’s for sure. It’s just… I don’t know where I want to be, and I can’t see a way forward. It’s like I don’t want to be with me.’ Lucas sighed. ‘Oh, I don’t know what I’m saying. It’s just so fucking hard.’
‘Yes, it is hard. You’ve just lost your mother. That’s about as tough as it can get, mate. And it’s not going to be easy. You’ve got the whole monster of grief to go through, but go through it you must.’
‘Rosa said that too. Clever little bitch.’ A light came on in Lucas’s eyes, causing Alec to remember back to a conversation he had had with Rosa. It all made sense now.
‘She’s lovely with it though, eh?’ he said.
Another silence ensued until Lucas broke it again. ‘We should go, it’s freezing up here.’ The view from the cliff out to sea was now shrouded with a thick fog.
‘I’m having one more coffee, and there’s enough for us both – if you like?’
Lucas held his cup out, muttering, ‘You can’t tell anyone this. Promise me.’
‘Trust me,’ Alec said strongly.
‘I dunno why I’m telling you this, but I love her. Rosa, that is. I wasn’t sure how this love thing happened, but one minute I had sex with the girl and then as I got to know her this other feeling caught up on me and now I would do just about anything for her. She completes me. I just adore her and everything she stands for.’
Alec looked thoughtful. His voice was gentle when he said, ‘I don’t believe that anyone completes each other. You’ve got to be a complete whole yourself to live a full and happy life.’
‘All right, quit the shrink-speak.’ Lucas was too unhappy to be polite. ‘And just tell me this: how do I stop loving her?’
‘If I could provide a pill for that, I’d make a fortune. It’s like grieving, I’m afraid, there’s no easy fix. And whatever I say to you now won’t seem like I’m helping, but listen up anyway.’
‘Say something though, mate, I can’t feel like this any more.’
‘Keep out of her way for a bit, do some exercise, maybe focus on some hobbies, keep yourself busy. Even go on a couple of dates, without making any promises. You’re a plumber, aren’t you?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Get working then, anything to keep you busy will help with the grief and the heartbreak. And those dark thoughts will come, but that’s what they are – just thoughts. Think what you’ve got to think and then send them on their way. We are all just a series of thoughts really. Fill your head with as many good ones as you can. It might feel like the end of everything now, but no one ever died of a broken heart, you know. We all get over it.’
‘OK.’ Lucas stood up. ‘Thanks, but I really do want to go down now.’ The wind had started to get up and even Brown was whining slightly in discomfort.
‘Hang on and we’ll go down with you.’ Alec packed his rucksack. ‘What are you going to do with the pub?’ he asked as they set off.
‘It’s bought and paid for, so we could actually keep it. Tom, that’s my brother, we haven’t even got that far yet, as there’s so much to sort out.’
‘Whether it stays a pub or becomes a house, it would make a lovely home on the beachfront,’ Alec said wisely.
As they reached the bottom of the path, he handed Lucas a business card. ‘If ever you want to chat again, man to man, this is my number. I’ll leave this phone on 24/7 for you, for two weeks. And even if it’s one a.m. and you have any of those dark thoughts you mentioned and can’t bat them away yourself, I’ll be at the end of that phone, all right? And if I haven’t heard from you in that time, I’m thinking that maybe you, me and Brown here, could share another coffee sometime. Preferably not in the rain. If you want to, that is?’