“No. I’ve never lived with anyone. Why do you ask?”
“Your bedroom is girly.”
Josh smiles to himself. “You’re such a moron sometimes.”
“Thanks. Hey, should I go home? I don’t have anything to wear tomorrow.”
“Would you believe, I own my own washer and dryer.”
“How newfangled.” I go into his bedroom and kneel on the floor to unzip my bag. “I hope Helene doesn’t notice I’m in the same outfit.”
“I’d say the only person at B and G who notices that much about you will be the same one who laundered those walk-of-shame clothes.”
I sit up on my heels and look at his bedroom. He’s put the Smurf I gave him beside his bed. There’s also white roses, petals unfurled and loose. He didn’t have a vase, so he used a jar. I close my eyes. I can’t move for a bit.
I love him so much it’s like a thread piercing me. Punching holes. Dragging through. Stitching love into me. I’ll never be able to untangle myself from this feeling. The color of love is surely this robin’s-egg blue.
When his feet appear in the doorway I take my dirty clothes and hug them to my chest. “No looking at my underwear.”
“That would be rude,” he agrees. “I will close my eyes.”
I sit on his bed. I smooth my hands over the covers, twiddling the silky thread count. I push one fist into his pillow. He dreams. He lives. And he will do it all without me. He finds me sitting there with my head in my hands.
“Shortcake,” he says, and I know he is genuinely regretful.
It’s the strangest sensation. I need to confide in him. He’s the one person I should not trust, but I’m nearly bursting with the secret that I love him and it is hurting me.
“Talk to me. I want to know why you’re upset. Let me work this out.”
“I’m scared of you.” I’m scared of him finding out my biggest, newest secret.
He doesn’t look offended. “I’m scared of you too.”
When our mouths touch, it’s like it’s for the first time. Now that I have this pale blue love running through me, the intensity is too much. I try to pull back but he smoothly lays me back.
“Be brave,” he tells me. “Come on, Luce.”
My mouth is filled with my heart and his breath when we kiss again. I can feel myself trembling as he tastes my fear.
“Ah,” he says. “I think I’m beginning to see what the issue is.”
“No you don’t.” I twist my face away. The sun is setting outside on this confusing day, and the light filters through his filmy drapes, pearlescent and pretty. The entire moment is frozen, date stamped and slotted into my memory vault.
He kisses me like he knows me. Like he understands me. I raise my hand to push him away, and he links his fingers into mine. I bite him, and he smiles against my lips. I slide my knee up to get enough leverage to slide away, and he hooks a hand under my leg.
“You’re beautiful when you’re scared,” he tells me.
I can’t speak as he trails his mouth to my ear. He sighs. My world narrows down a little more. When he kisses my pulse, I know he is thinking about all of my tiny inner miracles and the first tear wells up in my eye. It slides down my cheek, down my neck.
“We’re getting somewhere now,” he tells me as he licks my tear.
I raise my hands into his hair, and press him to me as he presses soft kisses like stamps down my neck.
Each pushes me deeper in love. When he smoothes his hand down my torso I wince.
“Let Doctor Josh take a look,” he says, pulling off my sweater and T-shirt in one motion.
He smoothes a steady hand down my throat, over my bra, between my breasts, to my belly. The light in here is brightly diffused, and he can see every vein and pastel paintball bruise as he looks down at me, eyelashes fanned so perfectly I feel the next tear coming.
I love him so much I can’t hold it in much longer. I’m vibrating from it. I’m showering sparks. He makes it even harder to hold on when he speaks, fingers stroking my marred skin.