Dad forges onward without a response from me. Next topic. “When are you coming home?”
I admit I pause for a second longer, for greater effect.
“The long weekend.” It’s the answer that my heart has been aching to give, and when I watch my dad’s face break into his chipped-tooth grin I’m glad I’ve said it. Mom continues to hold my gaze, steady.
“Just keep walking, unless what’s up that tree is as special as this.”
“What on earth are you talking about? Did you hear her? She’s coming home!” Dad’s seat squeaks under the rhythm of his chair dancing, and just like my mom, I’m at the gates of a frighteningly momentous orchard, and I need to focus my gaze forward on the far exit, laser strong, never looking up.
IT’S FRIDAY. IT should be a terrible mustard shirt today, but it’s not. I have my bag packed in the trunk of my car, and over the past two days I’ve been so nervous about this weekend I haven’t been able to stomach solids. I’ve subsisted entirely on smoothies and tea. I slept two hours last night.
It’s a relief that we’re at this point. The sooner we leave here, the sooner we can get it over with. My mind has run every scenario possible, in my dreams, in my every waking moment. And the only certainty I have is, whatever happens, it will all be over soon.
Josh has been in Mr. Bexley’s office for over an hour. There’s been raised voices, Mr. Bexley shouting, and silence. It hasn’t helped my anxiety level.
Helene went in earlier to intervene. More chillingly, Jeanette hustled past me about forty-five minutes ago and stepped into the fray. Maybe Josh’s strategy involves major workforce cuts and she was called in to consult.
When she left, she paused by my desk, and looked at me, and laughed. It was the kind of laugh tinged by hysteria, like she’s just heard the funniest thing.
“Good luck,” she tells me. “You’re going to need it. This is beyond HR.”
We’ve been found out. Someone has seen me and Josh together, and we’re busted. Danny has told someone. It’s out. This scenario wasn’t in the mix. I lean down and press my cheekbone against my knee.
Breathe in, breathe out.
“Darling!” Helene is alarmed when she walks to my desk. My vision is gray. I try to stand and weave on the spot. She makes me sit back down and hands me my water bottle.
“Are you all right?”
“I’m going to faint. What’s going on in there?”
“They’re talking about the interviews. Josh’s idea for the future doesn’t quite align with Bexley’s.”
She pulls over a chair and sits beside me. I’m about to be fired. I begin wheezing.
“Am I in trouble? Is he doing some kind of pre-interview? Why aren’t I doing one? And why was HR
involved? I kept hearing shouting. And Jeanette said something spooky. About how I was going to need luck. Am I in trouble?” I end on the same pitiful note I began.
“Of course not. It’s a bad argument they’re having in there, darling. They have disagreements all the time. I thought it best to bring Jeanette up to remind them of professional etiquette. Nothing worse than two men barking at each other like dogs.”
Helene is looking at me strangely. I must look terrible.
“Is he . . .” I bite off the words, but she won’t let me get away with it.
“Is he what?”
“Is he okay? Is . . . Josh okay?” She nods, but the thing is, I know he’s not. The last two days have been exhausting. Josh has been nothing but grave civility, but I can now read the nuances of his face better than ever. He’s worn out. Sad. Stressed. He can’t decide what’s worse; eye contact, or none.
And I understand. I really do.
I find if I keep my eyes off him, and fixed on my computer screen, there’s less chance of feeling my stomach flip. I can keep the butterflies out of my system if I can avoid seeing the blue of his eyes or the shape of his mouth. The mouth I have kissed, over and over. No one can kiss me like he does, and it’s more proof the world is unfair.
The hurt over his comment, I’m not going to need any help beating her, has dulled into a callus I can’t stop pressing. What a shitty thing he said. But if the roles had been reversed, and it was Helene out there tormenting us, who’s to say I wouldn’t have said the exact same thing? I’m not the blameless little victim in our private war.