Plucking a piece of the stern from my pile, I examine it, trying to determine the best way to maneuver it into the designated space.
“I see you have another one,” he notes. “How many is that now?”
“Ten.”
Ten of the same model ships. None that have lasted more than a week. I don’t think it’s so much about the end result anymore but rather a distraction from these meetings. If I could get away with hauling the ship in all its varying pieces to the rest of my meetings throughout the week, I would.
“I spoke with Calder yesterday,” Dr. Blom informs me. “He told me what happened between you.”
Discarding the piece I’m not quite certain about, I opt to search through the pile for something else. Something more familiar.
“Would you like to share your thoughts?” he prods.
“Not particularly.”
For a minute, the sound of the clock is the only noise in the room. But I know Dr. Blom isn’t finished. Not even close.
“He said you hit him.”
My fingers freeze, seemingly immobile, as the image of shock on my brother’s face returns to my mind. I’ve never hit him. Even when we were young, and he would piss me off, I never once thought about really hurting him. But when I saw him trying to take Ella from me, I wanted to murder him. A part of me wants to believe it was all a dream. That’s the only way I can rationalize it.
“I didn’t mean to.” My brows pinch together. “It just happened.”
“Because there was a misunderstanding?” Dr. Blom answers. “He thought it was business as usual with this new woman. That you two would do what you’ve always done. But that bothered you, and you didn’t tell him so.”
I tug at the collar of my shirt and wonder what Ella’s doing right now. I left her in my bed yesterday, and she slept there all night. This morning, I gave Lisbet instructions to bring her breakfast, and I left the door open for her. She’s free to roam the house now, but that lingering question is still there. Will she try to leave me?
“Do you like this girl, Thorsen?” Dr. Blom invades my thoughts. “Is that why you felt compelled to hurt your brother?”
“No.” I stare at the blurry pile of pieces in front of me. “I don’t feel anything.”
“It’s okay if you do,” he says. “I understand how these new feelings could be frightening for you. I don’t think you’ve allowed yourself to like anyone in a very long time.”
My attention wanes, and I forget where I’m supposed to place the piece between my fingers. I check the instructions again, but the words are just fuzzy shapes. Dr. Blom is wrong. I don’t feel anything for Ella. She’s only here because I’m paying the sanctuary. If I wasn’t, she’d already be gone.
“Calder says you let her touch you.”
Heat creeps up my neck as I glance at him. “She was high.”
“But you weren’t.” He arches a brow at me. “You don’t normally let women touch you like that. Not unless you’re in control.”
“I was still in control,” I lie.
There was nothing controlled about my thoughts or feelings when Ella crawled into my lap and touched me that way. Like she couldn’t breathe without me. Like she would die right there if I didn’t let her feel me. I’ve never allowed a woman to touch me so freely. But it felt... good. And for a second, I could pretend that it was real. That it was the most authentic experience I’d ever had. Until Calder touched her too. Until she came for him too.
“Can you tell me about Ella?” Dr. Blom asks.
I glare at him. I don’t want to tell him about Ella. Ella is mine and no one else’s. But I can’t say that because it doesn’t make any sense, even to me. She isn’t a part of my plan. I only have limited time with her. Two months of peace, and then I’ll let her go. Pressure throbs in my temples, and I start talking because I don’t want to focus on that.
“She likes animals. She takes care of them.”
“So, she’s kind,” he remarks.
“She’s fucked up.” I meet his gaze. “Like me. That’s why she’s here. That’s why she’s with me.”
He sighs, shaking his head. “Do you think someone couldn’t care about you unless they are broken too?”
“She is broken,” I insist. “She cares too much about other things. About other people. She shouldn’t.”
“Do you mean she shouldn’t care about you?”
“She doesn’t,” I growl, tossing the piece of plastic in my hand aside. “We’re just using each other.”
“Yet your father has you dating another woman back at the palace.” He frowns as if this is problematic. “Someone he wants you to marry.”
“She doesn’t matter.”
“Do you think it would do any good to have an earnest conversation with your father then?”
I stare at him, blank.
“Right.” He shrugs. “Then perhaps you should consider your options. Would you care to revisit the topic of renouncing your right to the throne?”
“That isn’t necessary.”
“Why?” He studies me with a cautious intensity.
Because I’ll never make it to the throne. But I can’t tell him that. I can’t tell anyone what my plans are.
“It’s my duty,” I answer coldly. “And nothing can get in the way of that.”
“You look beautiful, Mor.”
“Thank you, Thorsen.” She smiles up at me from her wheelchair. “I hope you don’t mind me joining you for cocktails this evening. I just felt so good today, and I thought I should seize the moment.”
“I never mind anything you do.” I sit down beside her. “You know that.”
Lavinia offers us a forced smile. “You two are so sweet together.”
“He’s very special.” My mother nods. “He’s always been so different. When he was a boy, he used to bring me flowers from the garden. It would drive the gardener’s mad. And he had the cutest stutter. It took him years of speech therapy to overcome that.”
My lungs burn, and I can feel the color draining from my face as I reach over and touch my mother’s arm. She’s staring off into the distance, her eyes glazed, and when she returns her attention to me, her expression falls.
“Oh, dear, I forgot. I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about that, was I?”
“It’s okay.” My voice is tight. “Let’s just talk about something else.”
She thinks she’s embarrassed me, and when her eyes fill with shame, I feel like even more of an asshole.
“It’s all right, Mor.”
“I’m afraid I’ve spoiled the evening, haven’t I?” Her body sags into the wheelchair. “You two should go on your date now. I’m getting very tired.”
“Yes, we really should get going,” Lavinia chimes in.
“Let me walk you back to your room.” I stand, and Lavinia moves to follow before I narrow my eyes at her. “I’ll return shortly.”
Her lips flatten as I leave her standing there, spinning my mother’s chair around and pointing her in the direction of her room. She’s pensive as I wheel her down the hallway, and I don’t know how to fix this awfulness between us either.