He doesn’t know what I’m talking about, so he has no recourse but to watch me come unglued. I want to murder Lavinia with my bare fucking hands. I want to squeeze the life from her throat and send her straight to hell. It had to be her. There is no other alternative.
“Where are Narcissa and her daughters staying?” I ask Han.
“They left this afternoon.” He pulls out his phone and checks the calendar. “Twenty minutes ago. They are on the plane as we speak.”
My attention drifts to the figure on the screen, and the longer I study it, the more convinced I become. Ella told me her sister was a psychopath. The evidence is undeniable. Lavinia could have easily stolen my mother’s keys just as she stole her ring. The security at my estate has never been as tight as the palace because that was the way I preferred it. I didn’t want to feel as if I was living in a prison, but now I wish I had. I wish I had spent my entire life behind bars if only so this afternoon never happened.
“Do you suspect they have something to do with it?” Han asks.
I consider my answer carefully, aware that I’m on a precipice. There are two ways to handle this situation. The royal way, and my way. And I won’t let this rest until Lavinia pays in blood.
“No.” I turn on my heel and head for the door. “I don’t think they had anything to do with it. Let me know if you find anything else.”
“Did she say anything to you?”
Dr. Blom shakes his head as I follow him down the hall. “No. I’m afraid not.”
“What can we do?”
“Give her time,” he suggests.
“You’re the doctor.” I glare at him. “You should be able to fix her.”
“Thorsen, you know it isn’t that simple.”
I drag a hand through my hair and glance back at the room.
“You really like this girl, don’t you?”
His question catches me off guard, and in my fucked-up state of mind, I’m unable to hide my visceral reaction.
“I love her.”
Dr. Blom stares at me for a beat, clearly rattled by my confession. “You love her?”
“Yes.”
“Is the feeling mutual?” he asks.
“It was.” I dip my head uncertainly. “But I don’t know anymore.”
After last night, and the events of today, it’s probable Ella won’t ever want to speak to me again. And that’s what terrifies me the most.
“This isn’t your fault,” Dr. Blom placates me.
“It is,” I argue. “I restrained her to the bed. Whoever did this to her did so freely because of me.”
His eyebrows pinch together, and the concern on his face only convinces me that I’m fucked. Ella will hate me. She’ll never recover from this.
“Let’s take it one day at a time.” Dr. Blom pulls a bottle of my pills from his shirt pocket and rattles them. “The first step is taking care of yourself, so you can take care of Ella when she’s ready.”
My fingers are numb when I reach for the bottle I’ve avoided for so long. After I stopped taking my pills, I fell in love with the darkness of my thoughts, and I swore I’d never need them again. But my love for Ella is no comparison. She’s the dancing flame in my perpetual night. Her love and warmth and purity have guided me to a different place. A place where possibility exists if I don’t ruin it for both of us.
Twisting the lid, I dump one of the pills into my hand and stare at it for far too long. Dr. Blom is right. The first step to proving I’m worthy of her is facing our future with a clear mind.
I toss it into my mouth and swallow.
For Ella.
31
Ella
An entire week passes before I can move without the agonizing reminder of Lavinia’s undiluted rage. After that, it’s another full week of me getting on my feet again. Cleaning myself. Dressing myself. Feeding myself. These small accomplishments are a welcome relief after having a full-time nurse perform the most basic functions for me.
Thorsen comes and goes, his exhaustion palpable, but he’s always hopeful I will speak. Every day, he waits for me to say something, but I can’t. Not to him.
Even though I’m quiet, my thoughts are loud. I’m wondering where Lavinia is now, and why he isn’t with her. These questions are all I can think of much of the time because holding onto my anger is the only way to stay sane.
Every night, I break down in silent tears when Thorsen comes to lay beside me in his bed. He’s always close yet far away. He’s afraid to touch me. It’s the only reason I’ve found the strength to resist falling back into this self-destructive pattern with him. I can’t allow myself to find comfort in his presence, or his scent, or his warmth when he inches close enough to be felt. I love him, but he shattered me. And for the first time in many years, I realize that I deserve better. I gave him everything, and if he isn’t willing to do the same, then I can’t change that. I’m tired of punishing myself for things I can’t control, and I refuse to be his second best. There’s only one thing I can do, and my mind is already made up.
“Ella?” he murmurs beside me in the darkness. “Are you still awake?”
I squeeze my eyes shut, forcing my breath to even out in the hopes he won’t try to comfort me again. It would be so easy to get pulled back into his orbit, and I hate him for that. I hate him for bringing me here and making me fall in love with him just so he could wreck me.
“I know you’re awake,” he says, his voice tormented. “Please talk to me. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”
His words strike a chord of fear in my heart, and it’s the one thought I can’t handle. When I’m gone, will Thorsen try to execute his plan? Will he try to hurt himself? I want to believe he wouldn’t do that. Not now. I’ve seen a change in him since I’ve been here. He’s steadier. More determined. And he’s taken on his role of king with a commitment I want him to see through.
Today, when I blurted out my observations to Dr. Blom, he seemed to agree. We’ve been visiting for the past couple of weeks after he promised not to divulge anything that’s said between us. He’s been kind, and he’s done his best to reassure me, but he told me that ultimately, Thorsen’s future is up to him. He must be the one to decide what he wants in this life. He’s the only one who can fight his demons. None of us can do it for him, no matter how much we love him.
I know he’s right. And this is why I have to leave.
When I confessed my desire to Dr. Blom, he said he would help me, if that’s what I truly wanted. Even though the guilt is all-consuming, I believe it’s the right decision. It’s the hardest decision I’ve ever made for myself.
“Ella,” Thor whispers again, his fingers brushing against my arm.
The shock of his unexpected touch startles me, and the painful sound of grief gets caught in my throat.
“What is it, gudinne?” He leans up and turns on the lamp, studying my tear-streaked face. “You’ve been crying?”
He looks so utterly broken, and I can’t understand it. How can he feel this way about me when he broke me too?