I thought about making a dinner reservation, but then there’s the whole sharing thing, and someone other than me having your attention, and you know how I feel about that, so I’m ordering in for us. I hope you’re okay with that. All you have to do is show up. I bought you some new lingerie for tonight, too. And a few other fun things I can’t wait to show you.
The Super MC wrote you a little poem, just something for you to think about while you’re being pampered today.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
So are my balls when I don’t get to see you.
This Valentine’s Day is your first as my wife,
The beaver with whom I’ll spend the rest of my life.
To demonstrate my ever-growing love for you,
I wanted to try a little something new.
I know you’re scared to let me in your Area 51,
But I think we both know we’re well beyond Alex’s thumb.
I had nothing to do with that poem. At all. My dick channeled that. In no way support or endorse Super MC’s message.
I love you.
See you tonight.
I can feel you clenching from here.
XO Alex (Mr. Waters) and the Super MC
Weiner Warmers™
A Holiday Outtake
WHY DID I write this? Last year our daughter got into corking, and well . . . I had some ideas that were not appropriate and decided to channel them into a super ridiculous outtake. The ™ is not real, but I thought it was hilarious.
“DO I EVEN want to know what this is about?” Charlene plunks down on the couch and motions to the spread before me.
“I’m trying to make those fingerless hand warmer things, but I suck at crocheting and knitting, so I thought this might work better.” I hold up the corker. “I’m having issues with sizing and making a thumb hole, though.” This is way harder than I expected it to be and I told the nice people at the soup kitchen that I’d have a dozen pairs of fingerless gloves for the holidays. So far all I have are a bunch of tubes in various sizes.
Charlene picks up a red tube and slides it on her finger. “Not sure you’re having much success with the fingerless gloves.”
“I’m sure there’s a way to make this work.”
“Vi, this is a finger warmer. No adult human could get this over their wrist.” She gives me her super creepy wide-eyed doe look and says, in a horrible voice while wiggling her finger, “Redrum, redrum.”
“Don’t be an asshole!” I try to snatch it from her finger, but she’s fast and more coordinated than I am, hiding it behind her back.
I pick up another tube. This one is bigger. I tried to get creative, it’s red and black, and I made an attempt at putting Alex’s number on it. It didn’t work that well. It sort of looks like a four, but it also sort of looks like two stick people getting it on doggy style. Turns out, corking and sewing aren’t quite the same thing. All I have to worry about with a sewing machine is not stitching up my finger. It’s pretty foolproof since there’s a guard and all. Corking doesn’t allow for much inventiveness from what I’ve learned so far. Which admittedly isn’t much.
I manage to get my hand through the tube. It’s snug, but I still have no idea how I’m going to make a thumbhole without completely ruining it. “Oh my God! I have the best idea!”
“Let this be your one reminder that whenever you say that, something embarrassing usually happens.”
“Whatever, Char. You’re used to it.”
She shrugs, because it’s true.
“I’ll be right back!” I leap off the couch, slam my shin into the coffee table, and fall on the floor, holding onto my knee while I rock back and forth, moaning in pain for a good minute—at least it feels that long. Charlene just sits on the couch, muttering Redrum, wiggling her finger at me. Eventually, I limp my way upstairs and return a few minutes later with my collection of fake penises.
Charlene raises an eyebrow. “You know I love you, Vi, but Darren doesn’t like to share and I really like dick.”
“Ha-ha. Alex doesn’t like to share either, and I obviously like dick, too.” I motion to the pile of silicone penises. “Oh! I need one more thing!” I rush back up to my office, returning with the most important penis of all: the Play-Doh replica I made of Super MC the weekend Alex proposed to me. It also happened to be the weekend I almost decapitated his dick, but we don’t talk about that, and I’ve learned a lot about penis costumes since then.
“I thought Alex made you get rid of the dick sculpture. Wasn’t it starting to mold?” Charlene’s nose wrinkles.
“I varnished it so it’s fine now. And I keep it in my office so he doesn’t throw it out.” Sometimes, when Alex is away and I miss him, I just hold onto it or rub it. It’s soothing. Also, it’s like having a mannequin for when I make Super MC costumes.
I take the corked tube off my wrist and shimmy it over the head of the Super MC sculpture. It takes some work to get it on, and one of the googly eyes I glued onto the head pops off in the process, but once it’s past the mushroom top, it slides on nicely.
I adjust it so only the head peeks out and Vanna White my new invention. “It’s a Weiner Warmer™!”
Charlene picks up a slim vibrator and slides one of the tubes over it. “A dick cozy.”
It’s at this moment that the house alarm dings, signaling that my husband is home. “Oh shit!” I cradle my now one-eyed Super MC against my chest. Alex obviously doesn’t know I haven’t gotten rid of it. I can’t hide it upstairs because he’s coming down the hall, so I do the next best thing and tuck it carefully behind the couch cushion so as not to break it. The Play-Doh is tough, but still, I take no chances with my Super MC sculpture.
“Hey, baby, I’m home!” Alex calls out at the same moment he rounds the corner. Behind him is Darren, Charlene’s boyfriend.
I was so busy worrying about the safety of the Super MC sculpture that I failed to consider the coffee table covered in my modest collection of pretend penises. Oh, and a butt plug, but I grabbed that by accident.
Alex’s smile turns into a confused frown as he processes the scene before him. The table and couch are littered with plastic friends and yarn corked tubes in various colors and sizes. Charlene is currently holding my pink vibrator, a lime green tube covering its middle. It’s a good color combination, actually. Purple would work, too.
“Uh, what the fuck is going on here?” Alex asks.
“I was trying to make fingerless gloves,” I explain.
“That really doesn’t explain why your entire vibrator collection is on our living room table.”
“Huh.” Darren’s eyebrows lift.
Alex looks over his shoulder, frown still in place. “What?”
Darren shrugs and rubs his bottom lip. It looks like he’s trying not to smile. He’s also not looking at Alex. His gaze is fixed on Charlene. “Nothing.”
Alex crosses his arms over his chest, cocks a brow, and waits for an explanation.
“I was corking.”
He looks back and forth between Charlene and me, his expression incredulous.