‘Well I wasn’t expecting that to happen,’ I whisper, which is the truth actually.
‘I really fancy you,’ he says, before pulling me back into a kiss despite my clear signal to stop. I try not to roll my eyes as I let his need to kiss me overrule my desire to not be kissed any more. I am well-rehearsed in this sort of thing. It’s as easy as tying a shoelace, letting men push past my boundaries. Easier than sneezing. I pull away as quickly as I can get away with though.
‘So, you fancy me, huh?’
‘I think it’s obvious that I do.’
‘Makes dating so much easier, doesn’t it? When you fancy them?’ I am careful not to tell him I fancy him back. Now is not the time for that card. He needs to worry and stew that maybe I don’t.
He laughs. ‘Yes. Much easier. So, can I see you again?’
I pretend to think about it. ‘I guess.’
‘Will that make it date two or date three?’
‘It’s so cute that you’re counting.’
‘Why? Aren’t you?’
I tap my nose and he seems to find that so attractive that we have to kiss some more and even more urgently. He’s drunk and he’s horny and I know I could easily have sex with him tonight if I wanted to. Not that I want to, but I allow myself a moment of feeling powerful that I could.
I pull away, again, as my phone buzzes. ‘Hang on, I need to check this.’
Megan: I’m in a cab back to his. I’m fine. I’m fully consenting. This is a message to say I don’t think I’ll end up dead in a ditch tonight. Xxx
I’m just typing out a reply when my phone goes again.
Megan: WHAT IF I’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO HAVE SEX? IT’S BEEN AGES! IS IT STILL THE SAME?
‘What’s so funny?’ Joshua asks my neck as he kisses it.
‘Oh, just a message from my housemate. I have to go and meet her now.’ The lie falls effortlessly from my mouth. ‘I really have to go. This has been great though.’ I twist my neck out of his grasp, quickly peck him on the lips, and then pick up my handbag which I’ve let fall to the pavement.
‘Are you really going?’ His mouth is still half-open.
‘Yes I am.’
‘But date three, right?’
‘Only if you bring a mint chocolate Viennetta.’
Megan: I’VE NOT FORGOTTEN HOW TO HAVE SEX! IT’S JUST THE SAME.
Joshua: Hey Gretel, it was great seeing you tonight x
April: It’s like riding a bike, isn’t it? Ha ha. RIDE. Congratulations on getting laid. Do you want to get brunch tomorrow and debrief?
Gretel: Had a great time too. Night!
April: Are you dead? Has he killed you?
Megan: Not dead. Just shagging. Won’t be back till tomorrow.
Megan: Maybe Monday.
Megan: I’m FINE. He’s really nice!
April: Megan …
April: Are you relapsing? You’ve been clean for two years.
*
Joshua: Hey Gretel, good weekend? When is it going to rain? I’ve forgotten what rain feels like. Anyway, how about a picnic in the park this week? I’ll cook* and bring you that ice cream you wanted x
*buy stuff from M&S
Gretel: Hey, weekend good thanks. I’m pretty packed this week, but can maybe do Wed?
Gretel: PS: Assembling M&S pots of stuff defo counts as cooking.
Joshua: Wednesday it is x
Joshua: I’m looking forward to seeing you Gretel x
*
April: Just checking you’re still alive? It’s now Monday morning. MONDAY. Just in case you’ve forgotten.
Megan: Still alive! Back tomorrow I think.
April: You’re not falling in love with him, are you?
Megan: Maybe …
April: Megan …
Megan: IT’S FINE!
*
Message received: 08:02
Hey, I’ve never written into something like this before. Sorry if I’m being stupid. Sorry. I’m just a bit confused about something that happened with my boyfriend. We were having sex and then he just sort of started having anal sex with me without asking. It really hurt but I didn’t tell him to stop because I was quite confused and just sort of froze. He says he loves me. I really love him. Do you think it was an accident? Soz. I’m prob just being dramatic. Thx in advance for your reply.
From: [email protected]
Subject: You OK?
Just saw there’s a few tricky ones in there today.
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: You OK?
I’m fine buddy. Don’t you worry about me. A x
*
Joshua: How’s work? My colleagues all said how nice you were when I came in this morning.
Gretel: Work great! The joy of Mondays. Aww, that’s nice of them. How’s the crazy world of coding going?
Joshua: Yeah, good. Every day I can pretend I’m hacking into the Matrix.
Gretel: There is no spoon.
*
Joshua: Still on for tomorrow? What are your thoughts on chicken and avocado sandwiches?
Gretel: Hey, sorry for the delay in getting back to you. Crazy day. How did you know that chicken and avocado is my one true vice in life?
April: MEGAN COME HOME. I’ve not spoken to another human outside work for four days now.
Megan: Sorry April. I’ll be home tonight.
Megan: April, I think I love him.
April: Get home now!
*
Joshua: I had such a good night tonight, Gretel. Though I do think we should apologise to the pelicans for our gross PDAs x
Gretel: The pelicans loved it. We should’ve charged them.
Joshua: You free next week?
Gretel: I should be. I just need to juggle some things around.
Joshua: Wanna find some different animals to disgust with our snogging?
Gretel: Did you just use the word snogging, Joshua?
Joshua: Yes. And I’m not ashamed.
Joshua: Is that a yes then?
Gretel: Hey, sorry, fell asleep. Yes. Let’s do it next week x
*
April: Staying at Malcolm’s again tonight? I thought Friday night were our nights.
Megan: I love it when you message me when we’re both in the same flat. Yes. Sorry! I’ll be back Sunday. Have you seen my pink lacy knickers? Argh! Staying at a boy’s house is so stressful!
April: Sorry. On the loo. Why don’t you have him come stay here then?
Megan: Bring him here? Are you kidding me? I can’t bring him here.
April: Why not?
Megan: Because he’ll see how I live!
April: What’s wrong with how you live? PS: We need toilet roll.
Megan: It’s a flat. I don’t want him to know I live in a flat. He lives in a house. A proper one. With its own door, April. It’s own door! In Dulwich. He has a garden. A front door and a garden.
April: We have a front door …
Megan: Yeah that we have to SHARE with people. I can’t let him know that I share a front door. He might be the love of my life. It will all go out the window if he knows I share a door.
Megan: I’ve never felt this way about anyone before …
*
Message received: 13:17
hi my friend steve walked me home the other night because i was too drunk and he said he wanted to make sure i got home safe but then he came into my house and pushed me to have sex with him and then acted like nothing had happened the next morning had to take the morning after pill. v confused pls help