After helping me settle Ava in bed next to me, Baz hovers near the foot of the bed. His gaze rakes over us, a tension radiating off him in waves.
“I’m going to pick up her prescriptions, and I’ll be back with some food for you guys.” I get the feeling he doesn’t want to leave us, but if our fight earlier was any indication that we’re falling into the same old habits, he obviously still needs his space.
“Maybe you can have Dan do it for you?”
“I should handle it myself, just to make sure they give her everything she’ll need. I should probably go.”
“And what if I don’t want you to go?” I whisper, too afraid to look at him, in case he denies me. There’s a long beat of silence, then I hear his feet retreating out of the room and down the hall. The front door opens and closes, and my face collapses as a sob bursts from my chest. Loving is pain. I’ve never been surer of anything. I hate this feeling in my chest. It feels like my heart is being torn to shreds. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I need Baz in my life, but I can’t have him. And I hate the universe for it.
I’m sure he’s second-guessing his vow to be here for us no matter what. It would hurt, but I can understand if this is too much for him. He didn’t sign up for this. A pang shoots through my chest, and I tug Ava closer to me, basking in her warmth, something I was scared I’d never get to feel again.
My sob gets lodged in my throat when the sound of footfalls suddenly grows in volume. I pick up my head, with tears staining my face, and find Baz standing there watching me. His expression is tight. His jaw is grinding back and forth, as though he wants to say something but can’t find the words.
“What are you doing?” My voice shakes, betraying my emotions.
“Staying.”
He toes off his shoes, then his suit jacket. And all the while, I can’t contain my tears. Because I don’t deserve this man.
“Why?”
“Where else would I go?”
Baz climbs into bed with us, pulling my body flush against his. His warmth seeps into my skin, calming me. My body nestles into his, fitting perfectly. He’s the piece I’ve been missing my entire life. I can’t live without him. That much I’m sure of.
I trap my bottom lip between my teeth, stifling the tremble as the wave of emotion slams into me. I’m emotionally drained.
“I love you.”
Baz leans in, pressing a kiss in the center of my forehead. “I love you, too.”
It’s the first time he’s ever flat-out said the words to me, and I’ve never felt so full of emotions at once. I stare down at my sweet girl as I try to gather my emotions, so I don’t turn into a blubbering mess. When a man tells you he loves you, that’s the last thing you want to do.
I don’t know if it’s my mind playing tricks on me, but the more I stare down at Ava, the more of Madison and myself I can see. I saw those pieces of us there, already, but I just thought it was because she was a lost little girl—exactly how I felt my entire life. But now, I can see the similarities more clearly than I could before. It makes it plausible. It makes it real.
“We’re pretty fucked, aren’t we?” I whisper. I feel his chest vibrate behind me with a husky laugh.
“Yeah. Yeah, we are.” I let out a sad sigh, and he presses a kiss to the back of my head. “But I wouldn’t have it any other way, Mackenzie.”
“I can’t lose you guys,” I whisper, clutching onto him, admitting my biggest fear.
“You won’t,” he reassures.
“You can’t promise that,” I argue.
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
“Then trust that this is going to work. Everything is going to work out. I promise.”
I shift on the leather seat, turning toward Baz. We’ve been sitting in the car for the last twenty minutes, while I gather my courage. Ava is asleep in the back seat. She was watching a movie on her iPad during the drive here and must’ve conked out sometime during the drive.
“You’re staying in here with her, right?” Baz opens his mouth to respond, but I cut him off, too anxious for whatever is about to happen once I step foot out of this car. “Remember, you do not do anything until I give the okay. I’m going in there to talk to them first and get answers. Then, if things go…well, semi-okay, I’ll bring you guys in, okay?”
“You—”
“Oh, and don’t forget to roll down the windows in case she gets hot in here and—”
“Fucking Christ, Mackenzie. I’ve got it. Stop stalling. Stop overthinking this. Just go in there. They can’t hurt you. Understand me? I won’t let them.”
I almost break down and tell him that I don’t want to do this. That I need him in there with me, but he’s right. I need to stop thinking, suck up my fears, and walk inside the house that I haven’t stepped foot in for nine years. Baz reaches across the center console and squeezes my hand in his, as if knowing I need the support. Gulping a shaky breath, I nod, mostly to myself, and push out of the door. I close the distance from the car to the house, and with each step, my heart pounds harder. Each step feels like ghosts from my past are reaching out from the ground, like vines, wrapping around my legs, trying to keep me rooted here. I can hear the blood roaring through my veins. My pulse is pounding in my ears, and it’s so loud, it’s deafening. I freeze on the doorstep. I know I should knock, ring the doorbell, do something, but I can’t seem to get my body to move.
There’s so much I want to say to my parents. I want to scream, kick, and yell, but I can’t do any of those things. I need to be calm, or today will never work in my favor. They’ll always view me as the daughter who needs help. The lesser version of Madison.
Summoning the courage to do so, I ring the doorbell, and my stomach twists as I wait. With my hands behind my back, I twist and twiddle my thumbs, a nervous tic I refuse to let them see and likely use against me. The second I hear the heavy footfalls on the other side of the door, I want to vomit. I want to turn around and forget about this whole plan. I don’t need answers. Who cares if Madison had a kid? Who cares if that kid is, in fact, Ava? Who freaking cares if I’ve unknowingly adopted that kid and love her as my own?
With my mind made up, I turn, hurriedly making my way down the stairs of the front porch. I glance helplessly at Baz in the car. I can’t make out his facial expression, but chances are, it’s a disproving one. I’m making a mistake. I know that now. I don’t need them to tell me anything. I have two of the most important people in my life sitting feet away. It doesn’t matter what my parents tell me.
I’m just clearing the last step when the front door opens, and I hear my father’s gruff voice.
“Mack?”
My heart squeezes painfully, and my chest aches. I pause with my back to him, unable to move. I feel the impending panic, the violent rise and fall of my chest, as it works to accommodate my heavy breathing. My body is trembling, my hands shaking so uncontrollably, I feel like I have tremors. I slam my eyes shut, and I inhale a deep breath, drawing in strength from the clean air out here. In those few seconds, I gather the courage to face my parents. After everything they’ve done, everything they’ve hidden from me, I’m going to go in there, hold my head high, and find out what really happened that summer.