“I have a question. Why are you the one they want to marry off so badly, when your older brothers are still single?”
“Tony would kill me if he knew I was telling you this, but he was married, almost ten years ago, in his early twenties. My parents sent him to Italy to find a bride and he found one, brought her home, and married her. But she hated it here. She missed her family, her twin sister, her hometown. One morning, Tony woke up and his wife was gone. She left a note, letting him know she was running away and planned on never coming back. They ended up getting a divorce.”
“She actually ran away?” Carter sounds shocked.
I nod. “Yes. Back to Italy. When she lived with Tony, he said she cried herself to sleep every single night, carrying on like she was dying. He said it was awful, and he felt so bad, but he didn’t know what to do for her. His marriage is a moment he’d rather forget.”
“Interesting. And what about Michael?”
“He’s married to the business. My father likes it. He’s fully committed. Eventually he’ll hit forty and realize he needs a wife. He’ll go to Italy, find some cute girl in her early twenties who hears the word California and believes Disneyland will be her next-door neighbor. He’ll get her pregnant and start the cycle all over again,” I explain. “I’m rambling. Let’s talk about something else. I’m sure you’re bored.”
“Not really,” Carter says. “Your family stories are fascinating.”
“You’re just saying that because you got a free meal tonight,” I tease.
He laughs. “I appreciated that free meal too, but no. Your stories really are fascinating. I can only imagine how rebellious you were at nineteen, roaming the streets at night in some quaint Italian city, looking for a rowdy bar.”
“It was fun,” I agree, not wanting to get too deep into it. His description isn’t too far off from what I was doing at that time in my life. “But I was also angry. At my parents. At life. I did some stupid stuff.”
“Like…”
“Ha! I’m not going to tell you.” I clamp my lips shut.
“Oh come on, Stel,” he says, his tone wheedling. Like he’s trying to convince me to confess my secrets. “You can’t hold back.”
I sigh. “You know how it is. When you’re nineteen, you do stupid stuff because you think you’re invincible. Untouchable. That summer in Italy, I was hanging out with some—unsavory characters, is what my cousin called them. I thought they were exciting, but really? They were scumbags who were into drugs and teenaged girls who gave their bodies away freely.” Like me. God, I think of the things I used to do when I was young and drunk. I had no inhibitions. My parents were in another country, and I didn’t have to worry about their judgment or their disappointment. I could do whatever I wanted and no one was going to tell on me. “I had a lot of money, so I paid for their drugs, and they kept me around.”
I start chewing on my thumbnail again, despite the stinging spot from my torn hangnail. I was so reckless that summer, so mad. And no wonder I felt that way. I had my parents telling me I wasn’t worth much more than becoming a wife to some random stranger. Seriously, who does that?
Old resentment and hurt feelings arise, and I shove them back down. I’ve forgiven my parents for what they did to me when I was a dumb kid. I don’t like holding onto anger. It’s pointless. I love my parents, I know they believed they were doing what was best for me, and I can respect that.
To a point.
We’re quiet for the rest of the drive, and I’m relieved when Carter pulls his car up to the curb, parking it just down the block from our apartment. He turns off the car and is undoing his seatbelt when I ask him the question that’s been bugging me all night.
“Why didn’t you tell me about your new job?”
He leans back in his seat with a sigh, closing his eyes for a moment. I watch him, noting the steady rise and fall of his chest, the way he sinks his teeth into his bottom lip. He’s a biter. I remember that from our one night together, and my body gets all shivery from the memories. “I didn’t think my new job warranted a conversation.”
“So you didn’t think it was necessary to tell me on the drive to my parents’ house?” I’m sort of offended, which is silly. But I figured I’d be one of the first people he’d tell that he got a job.
“We just…never got around to discussing it.” He sends me a look, one that seems to say I’m sorry, but he doesn’t actually say the words.
“I mean, I get if you wanted to keep it quiet. It’s none of my business where you work,” I start, but Carter reaches out, settling his hand on my knee. I go silent the moment he makes contact with my skin.
“I wasn’t keeping it from you because I didn’t want you to know. It’s more that I had to—process what I’m doing before I could tell anyone. Does that makes sense? Even Caroline doesn’t know yet. With this new job, it’s almost like…I feel as if I’m going backward versus forward.”
I turn toward him to find he’s already watching me. “That makes no sense.”
“I make no sense right now,” he says with a shrug, his hand still on my knee. “I think I’m having a midlife crisis.”
“You’re not even forty yet,” I tease him. “You’re still a few years away from midlife.”
“True, but since I’ve moved here, I’ve felt—restless. Unsure. For the first time since I graduated high school, I’m a man without a plan. I’ve always been driven, with big dreams. Goals. I had a five-year plan. A ten-year plan. I was going to conquer all of Southern California and be the best damn real estate agent who made the most money.”
“What happened?”
“I got burned out. People who I thought were my friends screwed me out of deals. I got into a stupid argument over money with a woman I was seeing, and since she was also one of my bosses, I quit in the middle of us yelling at each other.” He drops his head, his fingers tightening around my knee. “I don’t like admitting that to anyone.”
I don’t like hearing it. Am I jealous because he mentioned a woman he used to date?
Yes, yes I am. And that is the stupidest feeling ever.
“I thought you returned because Caroline and Alex convinced you to move back home,” I say softly.
“That was part of the reason I came back. I knew my returning here would make them happy, so I suppose that made it easier for me to leave.” He finally removes his hand, and I’m sad. I liked the possessive way he was touching me. “But I also quit because I was pissed. The moment I said those two words, I wanted to take them back. I couldn’t. I had my pride, and I didn’t want to admit to her I made a mistake. My plan was thrown out the window, and I’ve been feeling kind of…lost.”
“I’ve never really had a plan,” I admit, my voice soft. “Sometimes I feel as if everything’s already been done for me.”
“We’re quite the pair, aren’t we?” He turns his head in my direction, our gazes meeting. “Both of us just wandering through life.”
“Do you really believe that’s what you’re doing, though? You’re employed now. At one of the best real estate agencies in the area.” I offer up my hand for a high five. “Congrats.”