Ava crumples a bit at Danielle’s comment, and I keep talking, trying to pretend I didn’t hear it. “You can’t lump all guys together though.” If what they’re saying is true, it’s all just too depressing. “Not all guys are bad. Maybe he won’t care I’m a virgin. Maybe it’s not a big deal.”
“I’m sure there are great guys out there,” Hannah says. “We just haven’t met them.” She sighs, closing her textbook and stuffing it back into her backpack. “Like, take Charlie.”
Hannah hasn’t brought up Charlie to anyone besides me for a while. He turned her into a crying, insecure, puffy-eyed mess, and we were all thankful when he graduated at the end of last year and moved away for college. Now he’s probably some poor girl’s problem in South Carolina.
“Charlie knew I was a virgin. He was my first relationship, obviously, and he knew that. And he was wonderful about everything. He said he loved me. We waited six months before we finally had sex, and I thought it was special. Turns out . . .” She doesn’t need to finish the story.
I look at the empty spot on Hannah’s neck where there was once a delicate chain, a silver “H” that Charlie gave her for Christmas. She used to fiddle with it constantly, probably liking the reminder of him every time she touched it. We threw it in the lake when he dumped her, but still her hands sometimes absently reach up toward her neck out of habit.
“Charlie was a Death Eater,” I say. “That’s a special case.”
“Okay, well, Chase then,” Danielle says, glancing around the room to make sure he’s not around. “Chase told everybody we did it like five seconds after he got his dick back in his pants. How’s that for special?” She pauses to let the words sink in and then we all burst out laughing.
It does seem like we’re surrounded by a special breed of assholes, but maybe that’s just guys in general. Even the good guys like Andrew still sometimes treat girls like shit, and I know it won’t be long before he gets tired of Cecilia.
I don’t want to be that girl, the one someone throws away. Danielle is right. I can’t let Dean find out the truth.
On Wednesday I have work again with Dean after school, and when the bell rings at the end of the day, I feel a little like I’m going to throw up. I still haven’t seen him since the night of his party, or more accurately, since the morning after, when I tiptoed out of his bedroom. Will he act differently when he sees me? Will he try to kiss me hello? I’ve never kissed anyone hello before, and the prospect of it floods me with anxious energy. How will I know which way to turn my head? How long should the kiss last? Will there be tongues involved? Or even worse—what if I only think he’s trying to kiss me hello but he’s actually just going in for a hug and I end up with his ear in my mouth?
There are a million ways this could go wrong.
Hannah’s field hockey practice has started back up after school, which means she’s unavailable for emotional support, so I have to ask Andrew for a ride to work instead.
“When are you getting your own car?” he asks on our way over.
“Soon,” I say, even though we both know I’m lying.
“I’m keeping a tally, you know. You owe me so many rides now, you better drive back and forth from California to Maryland every single weekend next year.”
“Hmm,” I say, trying to listen to him but still thinking about the probability of the ear-in-the-mouth situation. I’m wringing my hands so tightly my knuckles have turned white.
“You’re nervous,” he says; not a question but a statement, because he can likely see it on my face. “That guy from this weekend.”
“Dean,” I say.
“James Dean,” he corrects, with an exaggerated eye roll that shows how silly he thinks it is. He motions to my outfit—a pair of black leggings and a gray Prescott hoodie. “At least you look like you again.”
“That’s probably not a good thing.” I reach up to pull down the visor and look at myself in the little mirror. I turn to him. “Do I look okay?”
“You always look okay,” he says, flicking on his blinker and turning the truck into the parking lot of the video store. The compliment takes me by surprise.
“Really?”
“Come on, Collins. You know you’re beautiful.”
Beautiful. The word catches me off guard. It’s not a casual word, something easy like hot or cute, words I’ve heard Andrew use a million times.
“Oh.” My face is so warm you could probably bake cookies on it. I don’t really believe him. I know he’s just trying to be nice.
“Thanks,” I say, not looking at him.
“It’s whatever,” he says. I glance over at him quickly and he’s not looking at me either. I wonder if he’s embarrassed he said anything. He parks the truck and reaches over to unlock my door, leaving the gas running.
“Be careful, okay?”
“It’s just work,” I say. “Not a big deal.”
He narrows his eyes at me and doesn’t need to say anything back, because I can hear him telepathically: I can see through all of your bullshit, Collins.
I turn toward the store, smiling when I see the chalkboard out front, recognizing Dean’s handwriting.
VIDEOS: GET ’EM WHILE THEY’RE HOT!
But the smile is bittersweet, because this means he hasn’t called out sick or mysteriously died, but is in fact right on the other side of the glass door in front of me. Andrew honks and I turn back around, raising an arm up to wave goodbye. He waves back and then drives away. I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself. Then I push the door open and walk in.
And there is he, behind the register, resting his adorable head on his adorable hand. I only get a flash of him before I whip my head down to stare at the ground, because suddenly my eyes don’t know how to work properly. I barely notice Tim is behind the counter too—Star Trek Tim, who’s smiling and waving at me like he has no idea I’m in complete anxiety hell. It’s actually good that Tim is here, really. No alone time with James Dean means I won’t have to deal with the whole trying-to-go-in-for-a-kiss-but-ending-up-with-his-ear-in-my-mouth problem.
“Hey, Keely,” Tim calls out as I take off my jacket and walk over to the register.
“Hey, Tim,” I say, making eye contact with the floor. I can’t look up on the chance Dean might walk into my eyeline. I know I’m being awkward and probably ruining everything, but this is the first time I’ve ever dealt with seeing a cute guy after a hookup and it’s excruciating. I’m even more impressed now with how calm Danielle was when she saw Chase in school after the whole condom incident.