“You will not leave,” Thallirin said from just behind me, making me jump a little.
I stopped and glared up at him. “What in the hell do you think is so great about this situation that I’d ever want to stay?”
“Uan wouldn’t be accepted in Tenacity. He makes your mother happy.”
His words were like a knife to the gut, and for several long minutes, I could say nothing. He thought he had me. He thought he’d manipulated me right where he wanted me.
“You’re just like him,” I said, trying to fight down the panic of Van’s weight pressing down on me once more. My bow was off my shoulder and in my hand before I’d even thought about it. The nocked arrow shook as I aimed it right at Thallirin’s throat. He didn’t move.
“You’re making me a prisoner. Telling me I’m safe. Telling me you’ll never hurt me. Telling me I’ll like it.” My throat closed, and my eyes stung.
“I won’t do it again. I’m not going to lie still while you use me, you fucking son of a bitch.” I was shaking so hard, my fingers slipped. He moved quickly, his palm grazing the shaft as it released, knocking it off course.
“I am not using you, Brenna,” he said, his words slow and deep.
“I’m not stupid, Thallirin. Van didn’t use me the first night, either. He waited until I was hungry and desperate and had no choice but to agree.” I stepped closer to him, looking him in the eyes. “But rape is rape, Thallirin. You can lie to yourself and say I want it, but I don’t. I won’t. Ever.”
Chapter Seven
Mom knocked on my bedroom door again.
“I’ll talk when I’m ready, and I’m not ready,” I said, struggling to control my emotions.
I was a hot mess. Panic clawed at me.
As I sat on my bed, I felt more trapped than ever and hated Drav for his order to stay inside Tolerance’s wall. It didn’t take a genius to know the mandate had nothing to do with me resting. He wanted me to stay here so I’d mingle with the fey lingering. Specifically, Thallirin. And, I didn’t know what to do about any of it. If I told Mom what Drav was doing, she’d agree we needed to leave and, without hesitation, would throw away her chance for a possible fresh start with Uan and immunity. I couldn’t do that to her.
The knock came again.
“It’s Eden. We need to talk. I’m coming in, so don’t shoot me.”
The door opened a moment later. Eden slipped in and quickly closed the door behind her.
“I’m sorry I’m barging in,” she said, looking truly apologetic as she sat beside me on the bed.
“Let me guess, Thallirin came to your house again because his chosen vagina is being difficult.”
Eden cringed at that.
“He did show up, but not because you’re being difficult. He’s freaking out because you told him you were raped and hinted that you think he’s going to do the same thing. That, on top of the pedophile comment, has him an emotional mess.”
I looked at her.
“What exactly does Thallirin’s freak out expression look like? Is it this or this?” My serious expression never changed.
“Definitely the second one,” she said.
I snorted.
“I don’t care what he’s feeling. I’m barely holding my shit together. He’s doing everything the same. I’m suffocating. It’s like the weight…” I placed a hand on my chest and just breathed.
“Talk to me,” she said softly. “I’m probably the only person here who will understand.”
“How can I feel so broken and so whole at the same time? I should be over it. It wasn’t that bad.”
Eden’s sniffle was the only warning I got before I was being hugged hard by her.
“I’m so sorry.”
Her hold and sincerity fractured me. For the first time since the bunker, I let the hurt out. I cried, and it was so bad. I shook and sobbed and snotted all over her. I broke into so many pieces that I knew the old me would never come back.
I wasn’t sure how long we stayed like that, but piece by piece, I slid back together, and a numbness blanketed my emotions enough that the tears dried so I could talk.
“Van and his dad wanted women to have babies. When Van’s group saw me out gathering supplies with my family, they shot my Dad and took Zach and me. Mom was left behind because Van thought she’d be useless.
“That first day, Zach and I were too scared to notice we didn’t eat. The second day, though... We noticed. Van said only those who worked their share got fed. He said he’d give me his food ration if I let him fuck me.”
I pulled out of Eden’s hold and stared blankly out the window.
“He said it was my choice. That I could say no. But, they never gave Zach or me a chance to work. There was no choice. It was rape or starvation. That’s when I figured out why Zach had been taken, too. Leverage. I could starve myself, but not him.”
I exhaled shakily and continued.
“The fey let us stay here and promised we’d be safe. But the truth is that we’re here because they want females and babies, just like Van and his men. I’ve said no to the fey, repeatedly, and now the noose is tightening. How long before we don’t get fed? How long before I’m on my back again so I don’t have to listen to Zach’s stomach growl in his sleep?”
Tears made slow trails down my cheeks. I wiped them away, wondering if I was really put back together at all.
“And you wanted to escape that fate by going to live at Tenacity. Then Thallirin made you feel trapped again by pointing out you’d be breaking up Uan and your mom. Just a new form of leverage, am I right?”
I nodded then paused.
“He told you what he said?”
She gave me a small smile.
“I overheard him talking to Ghua. He really didn’t understand.” She stood and went to the door. “Now, I think he does.”
She opened the door, revealing Thallirin. With his head bowed, he gripped the jamb of the door, his grey fingers almost white.
The sound of his harsh breathing filled the room and stirred my memory of the other time I’d seen a fey look like that. The morning I’d been rescued from the bunker, the fey had helped carry one of their own out. That fey had been attacked by a hellhound and was in so much pain that, even unconscious, he’d made noise. Thallirin was acting the same.
Slowly, Thallirin straightened. My pulse jumped. He didn’t look at me but turned around and left.
“If you want to go,” Eden said quietly, “no one will stop you now. I’ll stab anyone who tries.”
She gave me a weak, sad smile then left.
The house remained quiet after the door closed behind her, and I just sat there and breathed. I should have been angry that Eden had brought Thallirin to listen in, but it seemed that she’d been right all along. Telling him the truth had finally gotten through to him.
The light in the room gradually changed, brightening to midday. My stomach growled, but I ignored it. It was the need for water that finally motivated me to move.
My legs felt weak, and my head hurt when I stood. I shuffled to the bathroom, drank from the sink, and took something for the pain from our meager supply of home medications. Moving in a fashion reminiscent of one of the infected, I made my way to the kitchen.