“Do you want some?”
He ate it off my fork without reply. I shared at least half the meat with Thallirin before I licked the gravy from the bowl with my finger. When I looked up, I caught Thallirin staring before he quickly averted his gaze.
Returning to my spot, I started up the trading once more. Our supplies slowly dwindled, and our eclectic collection of items grew.
We only had a few boxes left when we heard the engines approach from outside the wall. Matt, who’d been monitoring the trading from a distance, came over.
“The new survivors are here,” he said. “I’ve sent word to Mya. She and Drav are coming over to talk to them. You’re welcome to stay, but I think we should shut down the trading for now.”
“Sure thing,” Garrett said. “Mind if we do this again sometime?”
“Anytime. You were more than fair with your trading.” He lowered his voice. “This will go a long way to keep relations between the two camps hospitable, too.”
Garrett nodded.
“That’s what we were thinking.”
We packed up quickly.
“Want to stay and listen to Mya’s speech?” Zach asked.
“No, thanks. I’ve heard it once before. I think I’m ready to head home instead of gawk at scared, starved people.”
By silent agreement, Zach and I left what remained of the supplies we’d originally brought with us and took back only what we’d traded for. Matt would need the supplies for the new mouths.
I looked up at Thallirin.
“Ready to take me home?” He immediately scooped me up, cradling me gently once more, and strode from the storage shed.
I didn’t say anything until we crossed over Tolerance’s walls.
“We need to talk,” I said. “In private.”
He grunted and jogged to Uan’s house. No. Thallirin’s house. My feet finally touched ground again on Thallirin’s front step. He reached around me to open the door. Heat enveloped me as I took off my boots and jacket.
“I know Mom said we’re having dinner there, but I’m hungry now.” I went to the kitchen and dug around for the open bag of cheese curls. While I hadn’t been kidding about my hunger, I mostly needed a moment to collect my thoughts.
Turning, I found Thallirin watching me from the other side of the table. He averted his gaze.
“I’m sorry about this morning,” I said. “I know I’m safe with you, and I shouldn’t have backed away when you saw me in the bedroom.”
He grunted but still didn’t look at me.
“Are you mad at me?”
That got his attention, and he looked up as he spoke.
“Never.”
His gaze slid back to the table, and I considered him for a long, silent moment.
“Then, I’m guessing this whole not looking at me thing is because of seeing me naked. I am sorry if it took you by surprise. I’ll try to be more conscious of closing the door. But, nudity is nothing to be ashamed of, and I would be really grateful if you stopped acting like I did something wrong.”
His gaze slowly lifted.
“You did nothing wrong. The only shame this morning was mine.”
“Why?”
He exhaled slowly, still watching me.
“I did not think of you as a child when I saw you.”
“Ah.” I considered him for a moment, more than a little relieved he hadn’t been turned off at the sight of me. “Since I have the body of a woman, I think it’s understandable. I’m not a child anymore, Thallirin. I haven’t been for a while.”
“You’re eighteen?”
“No. Not yet. But, that doesn’t make me a child.”
His brow twitched slightly, and I knew I’d confused him.
“How about we watch a movie for a while and stop overthinking this, okay?”
He grunted and went to the living room. I followed.
“What are you in the mood for?” I asked, bending to inspect the movies. “Action? Comedy?” I glanced back and caught him staring at my butt. When he saw I’d noticed, he immediately averted his gaze.
“Okay. You win,” I said, crossing my arms and facing him. There was safety in him thinking of me as a child, but it wasn’t fair to him. Feeling what he was feeling for me, and all the things I’d said to him about being a pedophile, was tearing him apart. And, it was making him act weirder than the fey-norm.
“I’m not a child, Thallirin,” I said. “Go on. Say it.”
“You are still a child, Brenna.”
“By how many days?” He blinked at me. “You don’t know. Me, either. My birthday is in March. Sometimes the snow is gone by then, sometimes it’s not. It really just depends on the year.
“It was Thanksgiving before the quakes. It’s been months since then. Christmas and New Year’s have passed. But by how much? I’ve lost track of the days, and there’s no calendar to know. So, am I turning eighteen tomorrow or in two months? And if it’s in two short months, how does that still make me a child? Do you think there’s some magical change that occurs on the stroke of midnight on my birthday?”
“I’m not trying to be mean, Thallirin. All I want is for you to realize that turning the big one-eight isn’t going to change who I am. My body will look the same. Well, maybe a little fuller if I keep eating all the junk food in this house, but I’ll still be this same person I am now. I’ll still be me.”
“I know.”
“Then stop trying to not look at me. If you want to look, look. It doesn’t make you a pedophile because I’m not a child. I should have never said that to you. If having you look at me upsets me, I will tell you. But, right now, it’s more upsetting having you act all weird around me. I was starting to like the you before you saw my boobs.”
He grunted.
“Does that mean we’re good and you’re going to stop pretending like I don’t exist?”
“I know you exist.”
“Good.” I went back to the movies and picked something fun.
When I turned, Thallirin was watching me. This time, he didn’t look away. I smiled and sat beside him. He handed me my snacks, and I spent the next little while happily crunching away. When it started to get dark out, I paused the movie.
“We better head over to Mom’s for dinner,” I said, standing.
He stood slowly, crowding into my space when I didn’t back up. I tilted my head to look at him.
“Do you want to come to dinner with me?”
“Yes.”
“Do you mind if I sleep here, again, afterward?”
“No.”
I smiled my thanks but didn’t move, my pulse hammering in my chest again. I didn’t know what I wanted from him. But, I wanted something. A touch? Some affectionate words? None of it felt right yet, but thinking of walking away felt wrong, too.
He seemed to be in the same place because he didn’t move either. His gaze dipped to my lips, and my heart stuttered for a moment.
“Go get your jacket, Brenna,” he said.
I quickly stepped around him and put my stuff on.
The walk to Mom’s was quiet, each of us lost in our own thoughts. Like the evening before, I rang the doorbell. Uan answered it with a grim expression.