He refused to hold me in return. Refused to even touch me. “It wasn’t an accident. It was my fault. She’s dead because I loved her.”
I reached up to cup his cheek. “You can’t spend the rest of your life punishing yourself for something that you didn’t intend to happen. You can’t spend the rest of your life alone.”
He stepped back, pushing me off of him. “I’m not punishing myself for anything.” His expression was hard, his tone harder. “I’m making sure that no one else gets hurt. I’m keeping yo—” He cut himself off. “I’m keeping others safe. Like I should have kept her safe.”
We stared at each other, unmoving. We were at a strange stalemate. In simple terms, I wanted something that he refused to give. If it were really that simple, I could walk away. I could recognize the futility of fighting for him and walk the hell away.
But it wasn’t that easy. It was thread upon thread of complicated, so many strands between us that wove us together. Even when he’d first taken my virginity, back when I’d been naïve and innocent, I knew that his broken fit my broken.
I ached for him now. I agonized for every day he’d let himself believe he deserved to be alone. I anguished thinking that he might walk out of my apartment without me changing his mind.
I couldn’t let that happen. I refused to let him leave without a fight.
But he’d already pushed me away, already withdrawn. There was only one way I knew to reach him.
“Donovan,” I said, untying my robe and letting it fall to the floor. “Touch me.” I approached him and wrapped one hand around his neck and rubbed the other over his cock, which instantly came alive under my palm. “Touch me,” I whispered again, as I pulled his mouth down to cover mine.
He hesitated only a few seconds before he tangled his fingers in my hair and yanked it until I moaned against his lips. Then he devoured my cries with his tongue, licking them up, savoring them.
Soon he began biting down my jaw and neck.
I pressed my mouth against his ear and told him what he needed to hear. “I know you’ve been carrying this weight around for so many years, and it’s hard to put it down because you don’t know how not to carry it anymore, but you have to put it down now. Put it down and let me make it better.” Let me love you.
His kisses slowed as I spoke, and by the time I’d finished, he’d completely stilled.
Then, suddenly, he yanked my head back again, hard. Harder than he had ever before. With his other hand at my throat, his eyes pierced into me. “Who could forgive a man for something like that? Who would want a man like that?”
“I would!” I cried, meaning it with everything I had in me. “I do! I forgive you!”
He searched my face, and for half a moment I thought I had him. Thought that he got it. Thought that we had a chance.
But suddenly the green flecks disappeared from his eyes and they turned dark.
“Well, I can’t,” he said roughly. “I’m not risking anyone, Sabrina. This is the life I’ve chosen, and I’m not changing it for you.”
Without another word, he pushed me away and walked out the door, leaving me naked and broken and alone.
Chapter 31
Monday morning I woke up with puffy eyes and a pounding headache.
Coffee and a long shower helped with both, but even though I knew makeup would fix the rest, I called the office and said I’d be in a couple of hours late so I could miss the operations meeting scheduled for that morning. I knew I’d have to deal with seeing Donovan eventually, but it didn’t have to be first thing on a Monday.
Though we hadn’t said it outright, I’d gone to bed knowing that the way our conversation had ended probably meant the end of our short-lived relationship. Even if Donovan intended to continue our sex-only situation, there was no way I could. I’d already fallen so hard. It already hurt so much to let him go. I couldn’t risk getting any more entangled if he wouldn’t give me anything in return.
In the morning light, however, I found clarity. While he’d been resolute in his conviction to not let anyone in, it was possible that Donovan could change his mind. I was pretty sure we’d already grown into something more than he’d intended, and now that he’d heard me—now that someone had finally told him that he didn’t need to keep punishing himself for Amanda’s death—maybe he could start to get over it. Things change. People change. I was mature enough to know that. After all, I’d been determined not to let him in my panties when I’d first started at Reach, and look how long that lasted.
Just.
I couldn’t wait for him to come around. I could hope, but I needed to be ready to move on.
Today was not that day.
When I did finally make it into work, I spent the day locked in my own office putting together summary reports for SummiTech. What better way to nurse a broken heart than to throw myself into work? Plus it was a surefire way to not bump into Donovan in the hall.
Late in the afternoon, though, I had to venture out to get Weston’s approval on a project and it required a physical signature.
“Yeah, yeah,” he said, seemingly distracted as he flipped through the pages of the proposal, and two different people walked into his office to set things on his desk before he’d finished perusing it.
“It looks good,” he said finally, signing his name on the designated pages. “Can you email a copy of the projected expenses to Audra?”
“I already sent it to Barrett.” Barrett held a similar position as me, only he oversaw Operations and Finances. He reported to Donovan. “Is this a procedural change?”
“Just for the time being. We’re still trying to figure out how to reshuffle duties. I’m taking most of the load, as you can see.” Another employee walked in with a stack of mail and set it on Weston’s desk and then hurried back out. “But I’ll be out for the wedding and the honeymoon soon so I can’t take all of Donovan’s tasks.”
I was about to tease him for the millionth time about taking a real honeymoon for a fake wedding, but then I registered the rest of what he’d said.
My throat suddenly felt tight. “What do you mean? Why are you taking Donovan’s tasks?”
He wrinkled his forehead. “Oh, that’s right. You missed the meeting this morning. I announced everything then. Donovan left for France today.”
I could feel the color drain from my face even though my heart was all of a sudden working overtime. “What? Why?”
“To take care of the merger with Dyson Media. With the wedding approaching, he decided he should be there to make sure everything happened smoothly. I mean, he just decided last night that he has to be the one to go, and that it has to be now. He must have sensed a change in the economic winds or something.”
“Just decided last night,” I repeated, my stomach knotting. He’d left because of me. It couldn’t be a coincidence.
Then he wasn’t going to give us a chance.
I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “How long will he be gone?”
Weston ran a hand through his hair. “Depends. He might just stay to handle the merger, which could be a month, two months? Or he might stay longer if he thinks that’s necessary. He has to read the situation when he gets there.”