When he put it that way, it did sound kind of ridiculous.
I chuckled. I was losing it. Yeah, he’s a psychopath, but it’s okay because he loves me. I wanted him to tell me more about how he felt about me, but he was right. I needed to get my priorities straight.
I looked away for a moment to get my bearings. “I’m concerned about all that too.” There’d been so many things I’d wanted to say about that when I’d called him. “I’m really bothered by it. I’m mad. I’m confused. I’m freaked out. I feel…violated.”
“Of course you do. You should feel all those things.” He wasn’t patronizing, but not apologetic either.
“You’re damn right I should feel those things.” I was irked at his lack of remorse. “I think I hate you for it.”
“Do you?” he challenged.
I opened my mouth to answer when he added, “Remember it’s no fun if you’re not honest.”
“I hate you for it,” I repeated, softer this time. I closed my eyes, scared of the next part, the words I hadn’t said aloud to anyone, not even Audrey. “But I’m also fascinated. That you’re fascinated with me. That does things to me. It makes me feel safe. And wanted. And looked after. It turns me on.” I opened my eyes and looked at him. “I don’t mean sexually.” But I did mean sexually too. “Does that mean I’m crazy?”
He laughed softly. “Probably.”
He stretched his legs out, more relaxed than he had been when we’d first gotten in the car. He scrubbed his hand over his face and let out a sigh. “I forget how much I can trust you. I should have done that.”
There it was. Remorse. He felt remorse.
“Before running away to France?” I clarified.
“I didn’t…run away. Exactly.” He smiled ever so slightly, and my pulse beat double-time.
“You did run away. Because you didn’t want me to find out about that file?” I was still putting pieces together, slipping them in where they seemed to fit best.
“When Amanda found out about her file, she was the one running away.”
“So you thought you’d be the one to run away first this time?”
“I don’t know, Sabrina,” he said with a frustrated huff. “Yes.” After he’d thought about it a second. “Okay, yes.” He looked somewhere in the distance. “I don’t trust how I would handle losing you. It’s better if the ties are cut on my terms. It’s safer for both of us. For you, especially.”
“But you’re here…”
His eyes returned to mine. “Because you called.”
“Which means you’re willing to consider the possibility of not losing me.”
He searched my face. “Is that a possibility? Not losing you? Even knowing what you know now?”
Fuck, we weren’t ever actually together and here we were talking in such enormity. Donovan had done that. Had put all this weight on our entire relationship by having been there for parts of my life I hadn’t realized he’d ever been part of.
So even though I wanted to crawl into his lap or kneel at his feet, even though I ached to touch him, I couldn’t. Not yet.
“I need to process this,” I said, not allowing myself to sound regretful.
“Whatever you need. Just tell me.” His eyes darted to my lips, and I wondered if he’d kiss me.
Or I wished he’d kiss me.
But kisses weren’t what I needed. “I need answers. There’s so much I still don’t understand.”
“I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”
I studied his eyes. “I think you actually mean that.”
“If you’re going to test me, Sabrina, just test me.” He sounded almost annoyed, and I had to bite back a laugh. He’d tested me so many times, but turn the tables on him, and he couldn’t take the heat.
“Not now. Now I need to go home.” I glanced out the window. We’d been driving around Midtown aimlessly while we’d talked, but we were only a few blocks away from my apartment. “You should drop me off.”
Donovan waited a beat as though he wished I’d asked for something else. But then he leaned forward. “Next time around, John.”
“I won’t be able to get out to open her door here with the snow piles,” the driver warned.
“That’s fine,” I said, before Donovan could say otherwise.
We were quiet for the next few minutes, but both of us were right there, present, aware of each other’s every move. Every breath. I wondered what he was thinking. But I couldn’t ask because I didn’t have room for anymore on top of all that I was thinking.
And then we were almost at my apartment, and I already missed him.
“We can talk after Audrey’s gone,” I told him, feeling terrible that I wished it wasn’t a week away.
“When does she leave?” Was I imagining how eager he sounded?
“Sunday morning at ten-thirty.”
“I’ll be at your place at ten-thirty-one.”
I chuckled. It felt good to laugh. No, it felt good to have a date planned, to have something to look forward to, to know that we weren’t yet done.
I peeked over at him and found him staring at me. Really staring.
“What?” I asked suddenly self-conscious.
“I’m thinking about asking if I can kiss you.”
My heart did the sort of acrobatic flip it hadn’t done since I was a teenager.
God I wanted that kiss.
But I wasn’t ready to admit that. “You say you know me, and all of a sudden you think I want to be asked?”
He smirked. With that devil’s smirk that had taunted and teased me for so many weeks.
The car pulled over to the side of the road, angled next to a bank of snow.
I undid my seatbelt.
Then Donovan undid his seatbelt. And he leaned across me, caging me in without touching me. I was suddenly too hot again. My heart beat too loud. My breathing grew faster as I waited for him to bend down and press his lips to mine.
But all he did was pull the lever on the door and push it open.
My eyes pricked unexpectedly. I was going to blame it on the rush of cold air. It didn’t matter. This was a start. We’d made a start.
I put one foot on the ground and bent forward to step out. Suddenly Donovan’s hand was cupping my face, pulling me back, and when I turned, my mouth crashed into his.
I sighed into his kiss, letting his eager lips tell me all the things he hadn’t had time to say. Letting his mouth remind me that he’d confessed feelings I had yet to absorb. Letting his tongue make dirty filthy promises of nights to come.
When he broke the kiss—much too soon—I stared at him with glossy eyes.
“You hold the cards right now, Sabrina,” he said, his nose almost touching mine. “But don’t begin to think I’ve forgotten who’s in charge.”
He brushed his lips across mine once more, then pulled away entirely. “You better go before your sister worries.”
I was in the building and he’d driven away before I was sure I remembered how to breathe.
Chapter 5
“He kissed you?” I did not think that I’d be the one saying that tonight.