I caught up to Lex as he reached the side door off the kitchen. “Lex, wait!” I called, but he didn’t stop. I wanted to kick myself for confronting him about the note. My ex had often said I pushed too hard when I wanted the answers to something. That trait had cost me everything but here I was doing it yet again.
“Lex, the stairs!” I called helplessly when I realized he wouldn’t see the porch steps.
Right after he disappeared from sight, there was a soft thud and I knew he hadn’t heard my warning or it had come too late. Fear lodged in my throat as I rushed out the door.
“Lex!” I yelled when I saw him lying in the snow at the foot of the steps. It took just seconds to reach him but they felt like some of the longest moments of my life. “Lex,” I called again when I reached his side. I was relieved to hear sounds falling from his mouth but when I realized what they were, my heart broke for him.
He was crying.
Not just crying but sobbing. The note, the one with the words forgive me scrawled on it, was clutched in his hand.
“Lex,” I said softly as I touched his shoulder. He automatically jerked away from me. It made no sense that his rejection stung. “Lex, I need to know if you’re hurt,” I said. I scanned his body but didn’t see any obvious injuries. “Does anything hurt?” I asked as I leaned over him.
He didn’t answer me. He didn’t even acknowledge my presence. I quickly stripped the sweater I was wearing off so I could settle it over his legs. Brewer had followed us outside and was anxiously pacing back and forth around Lex’s head. He stopped to lick Lex now and again, but the young man didn’t seem to notice the animal’s attention. I debated what to do. It was clearly too cold for Lex to be lying half-naked in the snow for any length of time, but I wasn’t sure I could get him to respond to me long enough to get him back inside.
“Lex,” I said again as I leaned over him. I risked running my thumb over his temple just to get his attention. To my surprise, he didn’t pull away.
“Lex, can you stand?”
No answer.
I repeated the question, but Lex remained silent. He was no longer vocal as he cried but tears continued to slip down his cheeks. It was only when his body began to shake that I made a decision. As soon as I started to work my arm beneath Lex’s body, he whispered, “Don’t.”
I paused. “I have to, Lex. You can’t stay out here—”
Lex turned his head so his eyes, his beautiful, unseeing eyes, met mine. “Don’t tell them I was afraid,” he said so softly it was hard to hear him. “Don’t tell them I was afraid, Gideon.”
If he hadn’t said my name, I would have sworn he was somewhere else in his head because he sounded so damn vulnerable. I didn’t ask who “them” was because it wasn’t important. I simply said, “I won’t, Lex,” and then I began to lift him to his feet.
Lex winced but managed to stifle whatever cry he’d been about to let out.
“Where does it hurt?” I asked as I wrapped my arm around his waist.
Lex just shook his head. “I’m okay,” he said. He sounded stronger, though he was clearly hurting. I tried to check the side of his body that he’d been lying on, but I couldn’t see much. But when I looked down at his feet, I saw spots of bright red blood in the snow.
“Did you cut yourself?” I asked as I remembered the broken dishes in the living room. Since I would have noticed blood on his hands right away, I could only assume he had some cuts on the bottom of his feet.
“S’okay,” Lex responded, his teeth chattering.
“Hell it is,” I bit out, then I leaned into him and put my right arm along the backs of his knees. I scooped him up before he could protest.
Which he did anyway.
“I can walk!” Lex insisted, his voice husky from crying.
“What’s your point?” I asked as I carefully made my way to the steps.
“I’m too heavy—"
“I doubt you’re any heavier than you were an hour ago when I carried you to and from my truck after you fell asleep at your place. So shut up and be still,” I said. “Not risking you cutting your feet worse or getting them infected.”
He wasn’t overly heavy. Granted, he wasn’t light either. I figured I had some extra adrenaline helping me out with getting him back into the house and to my room. It had been a long time since I’d been as scared as I’d been when I’d looked down the steps to see Lex’s still form crumpled at the foot of them.
Once I got Lex settled on the bed, I helped him adjust the blanket to cover his lower body. He hadn’t lain in the snow long enough for the few clothes he was wearing to have actually gotten wet, but he was definitely chilled.
“Stay here,” I said firmly. “I’m going to get something to fix up your feet,” I added in the hopes that would get him to stay put. The man definitely had a stubborn streak and the last thing I wanted was for him to try and take off on me again.
I hurried to the bathroom to look for the emergency kit I kept on hand, then went to the kitchen to get some water and soap. Thankfully, Lex was where I’d left him when I returned to the room. His eyes shifted in my direction but didn’t stay on me long before he dropped them.
I knelt in front of him and said, “I need to take a look at your feet, okay?”
Lex nodded.
I made quick work of cleaning and examining his feet. “I don’t see any glass in the cuts and I don’t think you need stitches, but we’ll need to keep an eye on them so they don’t get infected.” As I spoke, I began applying topical cream to the injuries.
Lex winced a few times when I worked on some of the deeper abrasions, but he didn’t say anything. Once I got his feet bandaged, I stood and said, “Why don’t you lie down for a bit? I need to clean up a few things.”
I didn’t wait for him to respond, mostly because I was eager to escape his presence and the strange feelings that went through me when I was around him.
“You’re not going to ask me about it?”
Lex’s question had me stopping. I turned to look at him even if it wasn’t necessary since he clearly couldn’t see me well enough to know whether I had my back to him or not. “Ask you what?”
The young man, who I estimated to be in his late twenties at the most, hesitated. “About the note,” he finally responded.
I had a million questions about the note that, based on his earlier reaction, I was now sure was a suicide note. And I had a million things I wanted to say to him about it. Like had he even considered what his death would do to his family and friends? Or were things really so bad that he saw no other alternative than to take his own life? I could have spent hours ranting and raving at him for his selfish decision, but it was for exactly that reason that I kept my mouth shut. It was none of my business. He was none of my business. Even though I had this weird desire to protect him, to shield him from the world’s cruelties, I couldn’t do it.
I wouldn’t.
The last time I’d tried to help someone fight their demons, I’d lost the only things in my life that had mattered to me… that had made my own life worth living.
My only obligation to the man sitting in my bed was to fix him up and send him on his way.