He raped her because he could overpower her.
I’d kill him if I ever have the chance.
“I’d fight.” She finally looks at me, her tone begging me to believe her. “Sometimes. I’d fight sometimes. He’d hit me. I think he enjoyed it more when I fought. When he could subdue me.”
It catches her then. The pain she’d been avoiding by slicing her leg open. Face falling into her open palms, her sobs overwhelm her. The agony she’d caused herself by holding it in letting go like a dam wall breaking, a tidal wave of truth surging forward, destroying everything in its wake.
“I was nothing. He knew it and he made sure I did too.”
I don’t move. My body itching to comfort her, but her shame strong enough to keep me at bay. She doesn’t want my pity. She doesn’t want my comfort. She needs this. She needs to cleanse herself of the toxicity he injected into her life. To share the ugly parts of her soul and know that doesn’t make her less of a person. To release some of the burden and know that someone else will hold it for her. That I’ll hold it for her.
She cries for a long time. Her tears brimming like the crest of a waterfall; unrelenting and freefalling. I like that she’s comfortable enough to cry in my presence. She hasn’t attempted to stop, to flee or apologize. It’s the most real version of Camryn I’ve seen, that anyone has seen.
She’s breaking and healing in front of me and it’s the most courageous thing I’ve ever seen another person do.
“How’d you get out?”
The back of her hand rubbing along her nose, she sniffs ungraciously. “Codi came to visit. One of his friends took a liking to her.”
Her head shakes, the fear of her thoughts spiking.
“I couldn’t… I couldn’t let her fall into the abyss like I did.”
“You saved yourself because you were strong enough to save her.”
Standing, she moves to the basin, wetting the towel to drop to the tiles, cleaning away her smeared blood. “Why do you think we do that?”
“Do what?”
“Put more value in the life of those we love than of our own?”
Tiles clean, I lean forward to retrieve the towel from her, dumping it into the trash can under the sink. “Because we don’t know all their flaws like we do our own. We look at Parker and Codi and see how they’re better than us. We don’t consider their weaknesses or the way they’ve failed in life because to us, that’s insignificant. We’re harder on ourselves, we judge ourselves more than we judge others. It’s depressing as fuck, but it’s easier to find forgiveness for others than it is for yourself.”
Chapter Twenty
Camryn
I gave birth to my feelings.
Every sordid one of them.
They spewed forth like an untamed rapid; turbulent and catastrophic.
I all but vomited my damaged heart onto the floor, laying it at his feet, asking him to not judge me for how scarred it was.
My shame exploded in our faces, decimating the wall I’d spent years building up. Only the rubble of my past remained, laid between us like a sacrifice.
I had divulged my most hallowed secret.
To Rocco Shay.
Questionable decision twelve thousand and eighty-five.
Or maybe not.
In that bathroom, standing before me with warmth shining from his icy eyes, he looked like a broken angel.
My imperfect savior.
He wasn’t repulsed, he was captivated.
He wasn’t uncomfortable, he was engaged.
He didn’t pity me, he felt my hatred and met it with his own malevolence.
My fight became his. He vocalized nothing, but I could read the promise in his eyes; storming forward in thick grey clouds of assurance. He’d kill my monster if he could. He’d slay my demons without mercy. Moreover, he’d do it with a smile on his face.
From that fractured moment, something shifted. We changed. A titanium connection was built. An attachment that was forged in the one thing neither one of us ever expected to feel, acceptance.
I wasn’t worried that he’d betray me. Just as he wasn’t concerned that I’d forsake him. Trust flourished and we knew without discussing it that it was solid.
The expiration of our previously agreed upon arrangement has come and gone. Forgotten like our animosity.
Two months have passed by in a blur. Our dependency only growing with each day. We’ve managed to replace our nightmares with one another. Freed from our everyday masks in one another’s company. We’re too afraid to sever the connection for fear of the incidental harm it would cause.
My body is stronger than I’ve ever seen it. Muscle sits on my limbs like foreign additions. Agile and lithe. Rocco has succeeded in crafting my body into its own weapon. I feel energized. I feel capable. I feel strong.
“Are you listening?” Codi snaps her fingers in front of my face.
Smacking her hand away, I nod. “I can’t believe you’re getting married today.”
“I know.” She drops beside me on her childhood bed, the silk of her white robe brushing along my leg.
“Are you nervous?”
Her shoulders lift dismissively. “Not about marrying Parker. I love him. The day seems over the top.”
Dropping my head to her shoulder, I inhale the sweet scent of her skin. “I’m still surprised he was so insistent that you get married in a church.”
Her head moves to rest atop mine. “It’s what Lila would’ve wanted.”
“I’m sad that his mom won’t be with him today.”
She sniffs. “Me too.”
“You don’t find it odd that he didn’t want to invite anyone to his wedding?”
She stands, moving to the box of donuts on her dresser. “No,” she answers, picking up a glazed one and taking a bite. “He’s never told me outright, but I don’t think he or Rocco have any close friends. I guess they’ve kept everyone at a distance their whole lives.”
I frown. “That’s sad.”
“No sad faces.” She points at me. “It’s my wedding day. We aren’t allowed to be sad. Here, eat a donut.” She throws one toward me. “Sugar fixes everything.”
Attempting to catch it in my mouth, I fail, the sticky dessert hitting my chin before falling to my lap. Dipping my tongue out, I lick at the icing on my skin.
“Has anyone ever told you that you eat like a rabid dog?” Codi laughs.
Shoving the entire donut in my mouth, I shake my head. “No.” The word is completely unintelligible, my jaw struggling to let me chew around the dough.
Opening her mouth to tell me I’m disgusting, a knock at her door interrupts us.
“Hi.” A middle-aged woman pops her head in. “I’m Linda.”
“Hair and makeup,” Codi tells me. “Hi. I’m Codi. This savage is my sister, Camryn. She’s going to shower to remove the excess food from her face.”
Linda smiles at us. “I’ll set up over here.” She points close to the window. “We’ll start with you, Codi.”
Brushing the crumbs off my chin, I stand awkwardly. “Nice to meet you, Linda. I’ll clean up and be right out.”