Enjoy.
SRIRACHA BURGER
DIFFICULTY: The same as any other fucking hamburger.
TIME: 25 minutes.
What you’ll need from the cupboard: A large skillet, spatula, a sharp knife, and a grille (not necessary, but recommended.) A BFB (big fucking bowl).
What you’ll need from the pantry: Ground beef. I prefer 80/20, as it doesn’t crumble and separate. You can use 80/20, 90/10, ground chuck, ground beef, it really doesn’t matter. Your preference works here. Bacon. Sriracha sauce. Hidden Valley Ranch. Blue cheese dressing. Soy sauce. Salt. Pepper. Salted butter. Hamburger buns. Cheese of choice (I prefer sliced cheddar). Lettuce, tomato, and onion (if you like onion on your burger).
Using your favorite bowl, fold 2 tablespoons of Sriracha and a tablespoon of soy sauce into each pound of hamburger you’re preparing. For three burgers, you’ll need a pound. For six, you’ll need 2 pounds, etc.
Mix it by hand, but don’t go nuts and mash it into oblivion. Contrary to popular belief, compressing it tightly is NOT a good idea (more on that later).
Set meat mixture aside.
Cook enough bacon to provide 2-ish slices of bacon per burger.
Set aside.
Mix 2 parts of blue cheese dressing with one part of sriracha. This will be the sauce for the burgers.
Knowing there’s always someone with a hatred for blue cheese, you may substitute the Hidden Valley Ranch/Sriracha equivalent outlined below. I don’t recommend it, but someone’s going to do it anyway.
I reserve hope that you at least try it with blue cheese before you condemn it.
For the pussies, here’s your alternate sauce: mix 2 parts Hidden Valley Ranch with one part of Sriracha sauce. If that’s what you use, I hope you choke on it. Bad.
Using roughly 1/3 pound of meat for each, form your hamburger patties.
You may have spent your life tightly forming burgers and making them look perfect, but that makes for a shitty, tough, and ridiculously dense (read flavorless) burger.
Trust me on this one.
Get a fist-sized chunk of meat, press it against the plate/cutting board/countertop with your palm, and then GENTLY shape it. Don’t fuck with the edges, trying to make it pretty. Just don’t fuck with it, period.
All you have to do now is press the center thinner than the outer portion of the patty. When you’re done, you should have a divot the size of a can of Red Bull in the center of your patty that is three-fourths as thick as the rest of it.
This prevents the burger from swelling up in the middle and looking like a fucking meatball.
Add a little ground pepper to the outside of each patty. Salt isn’t needed as the soy sauce is naturally salty. If you’re a salt fanatic, go for it.
Grille the patties over medium heat for 5 minutes on one side and 4 on the other. Don’t flip them repeatedly. Don’t move them around. Just grill them.
If you don’t have a grille, cook them on the stove in a skillet. Make certain the skillet is heated to medium high prior to adding the meat. You’ll know if it’s hot enough if the burgers sizzle when you toss them on. If they don’t, it’s not hot enough.
Cook 3 at a time (depending on the size of your skillet). The trick with pan frying burgers is to keep them from swimming in their own juices. Four minutes on each side is generally more than enough on the stove.
After flipping them, wait for the 2-minute mark on the second side. At this time, add the cheese.
If you’re weird about temperatures, probe it looking for a 155-degree F temperature. At the 4-minute mark it’ll be just fine, believe me.
Transfer the burgers to an open bun.
Cover the top of each burger with a heathy slathering of the sauce. Add bacon, a slice of tomato, and a leaf of lettuce.
NOTE: Some people like toasted buns. If that’s the case, turn the burner on for the second skillet when you flip the burgers the first time. Then, when you add cheese at the 2-minute mark, add buttered buns (face down) to the second skillet (over medium heat).
By the time the burgers are done, all your buns will be toasted to perfection.
Enjoy.
BEST CHICKEN WINGS
DIFFICULTY: This one, like a good romp in the sheets, will make you sweat.
TIME: 15 minutes.
What you’ll need from the cupboard: 2 mixing bowls, a deep fryer (or a skillet), a spatula, and a slotted spoon.
What you’ll need from the pantry: Saran Wrap. 20 chicken wings. Oil. Half a cup of flour. Paprika. Garlic powder. Pepper. Salt. Cayenne pepper powder. A stick of salted butter. Frank’s Hot Sauce.
Toss a 1/2 cup of flour into a mixing bowl. Add 1/2 a teaspoon salt, 1/2 a teaspoon of paprika, 1/2 a teaspoon of cayenne pepper, and a dash of garlic powder (a light shake, not a layer). Mix well.
Pat wings dry with a paper towel.
Throw wings in the flour/spice mixture and toss them around. Cover the bowl with Saran Wrap and refrigerate for an hour.
During this time, read half of what’s left of the book you started earlier, THUG.
At the 1-hour mark, you should reach the point that there’s been a few more kidnappings. Although it’ll be tough, set the book aside.
Heat the deep fryer (or oil on a skillet). You’ll need enough oil to cover the wings if using a skillet, but they don’t need to be submerged beneath 3 inches of oil. 3/4 of an inch of oil is more than enough.
When the oil is hot, cook the wings for 10 minutes (the sharp edges will turn brown and crispy). If in a skillet, turn them once.
While the wings are cooking, melt 1/2 a cup of butter in a saucepan. Add 1/2 a cup of Frank’s Hot Sauce. Add few twists from the pepper grinder and a dash of garlic powder. Stir well. You’re heating this mixture, not boiling it.
Heat to simmer.
When the wings are done, shake off the excess oil. Dump the hot little fuckers in a clean mixing bowl.
Add the sauce from the saucepan to the wings.
Toss.
These are the best fucking wings money can buy, hands down. Serve them without anything, with ranch dressing, or with blue cheese dressing. Regardless of how you eat them, you’ll love ‘em.
Why?
Because they’re goddamned good.
Enjoy.
SECTION THREE
FAR FROM BASIC
Scott’s Spaghetti Pie
Cabbage Rolls
Not Your Mother’s Meatloaf
Perfect Pork Shoulder
2-Meat 11-Layer Lasagna
Chicken and Rice Casserole
Skillet Steak
SCOTT’S SPAGHETTI PIE
DIFFICULTY: Ever made a mud pie?
TIME: An hour to cook and 15 minutes of prep if you’re a slow mover.
What you’ll need from the cupboard: A stock pot, skillet, 13x9 casserole dish, a spaghetti spoon, kitchen scissors, a mixing bowl, and a colander.
What you’ll need from the pantry: Pam Cooking Spray, salt, pepper, dried parsley, 16 oz package of spaghetti, a cup of grated parmesan, 3 eggs, a jar of RAO’S Homemade Marinara Sauce (or sauce of choice), a cup of grated mozzarella (not a must, but if you have it, great), 1/2 a cup of shredded cheddar cheese, olive oil, and a pound of ground beef.