“Of course not.” She patted Phil’s arm. “If that does not help, I am certain Lady Thorpe can provide a couch for you to rest upon.” Obviously, her mother was having an enjoyable evening and did not wish to be rushed home. Phil left the room and followed a footman’s directions to the door to the garden. It was a large garden and had been lit by several lanterns. Phil had no trouble finding her way to the gazebo. It too had been lit by lanterns. It also looked quite empty. Her steps faltered. What if James did not come?
But as she grew closer, she saw a shape leaning against one of the columns. “James?” she whispered.
The shape moved toward her.
“James?”
“I’m here.” He reached out a hand and she took it, crashing into him, and burying her face in his shoulder.
“I thought you might not come.”
He looked down at her. “I shouldn’t have come, but I can’t seem to resist ye.” He rubbed her arms, bare beneath her shawl. “But ye’re cold. Ye can’t stay out here, lass.”
“I’m warm enough now that I’m with you. We should move away from the lanterns.”
“Sure and I can fix that.” He led her up the steps to the gazebo then blew out the candles in each lantern, casting them into shadow. “Dark enough for you?”
“It’s perfect.”
“Yer perfect.” He pulled her back into his arms and kissed her. She should have melted into the kiss. It was the kind of kiss that usually took her breath away and made her knees buckle. But she couldn’t forget the thoughts that had plagued her in the carriage. James pulled back. “What’s wrong? Should I not have kissed ye?”
“It’s not that.”
“What is it then?”
“There’s something I want to say, something I need to tell you, but I don’t know how to begin.” She took a breath. Now was the moment of truth. She would know how he really felt, and if it was the same way she felt about him. “I know you told me to marry Knoxwood or one of the other men in my class, but I don’t want to marry one of them. I want—”
He put his finger to her lips. His skin was bare and cold and she could feel the callous rough against her flesh. “Don’t say it, lass. We cannot be together. Perhaps it’s best if we end it now.”
She didn’t move, and neither did he. His finger fell away. “But you don’t really want to end it, do you?” she asked.
“I said ye were hard to resist.”
It was dark, and she could not see his face very well. “Do you feel anything for me? If things were different, would you want to marry me?”
He pressed his forehead to hers. “How can ye even ask such a thing? I’ve loved ye since the moment I saw ye. I’ve never known a woman like ye—so witty and brave and smart. Yer not afraid of anything. If I could, I’d marry ye in a minute.”
“Then let’s run away.”
“Shh. I wouldn’t do that to ye, no. A life of poverty is hard for those born into it and that much harder for those thrust into it. I do love ye, lass, and that’s why I want better for ye.”
“But if we love each other—”
“It’s not enough.” He pulled her down onto the bench, wrapping his arms about her to keep her warm. “Me own ma and da loved each other. They had a small plot of land in Ireland, but my da wasn’t much of a farmer and several years of bad winters did him in. The whole family was kicked off the land. My da had no choice but to look for work in Dublin.”
Phil took his hand and squeezed it.
“My da found work but it paid a pittance. We were forced to live in a room with two other families. There were more than twenty of us sharing a space not much larger than this gazebo.”
“Oh, James.”
“Christ Jaysus, Phil, I don’t want ye to pity me. I just want ye to understand that love can’t save you. My da loved my ma, but it didn’t save him when he fell on the job and broke his back. He never walked again and died slowly in a corner of that filthy room. I have six sisters, no brothers, and I was the man of the house at fifteen. I looked for work, but it’s not easy when yer a boy with no skills. Then my sister Colleen—she was just a baby when we moved to Dublin—she was the first to become ill. We took her to the charity hospital, but—” His voice broke.
Phil pulled him close. “You don’t have to talk about it.”
“I need ye to understand, lass, why I can’t marry ye. I can’t do that to ye. I can’t do that to our children. I never expected to feel the way I do or that ye would feel the same. It seems a poor excuse now, but I didn’t want this to happen.”
“Nor I. But it did happen, James. And I want one thing from you before we say good-bye.” Though she knew it wouldn’t really be good-bye. He’d still be in her family’s employ, although perhaps it was best for both of them if he moved on. She could ensure he had a perfect recommendation.
“No, lass. I may not be a gentleman, but I’m not a scoundrel, either. I won’t take yer virginity.”
She sat back. “How did you know that’s what I wanted to ask?”
“Because I know ye.”
“Then you understand why I ask. You’ve lived at Southmeade long enough to know what my future will look like. I’ll be married to a man I don’t love. He’ll want me for my dowry or to take charge of the children from his first wife or to stop Society gossiping about his unnatural proclivities. And, James, I don’t mind giving a man my dowry, I love children, and if my future husband prefers to lie with others, I accept that too. But before I give myself to a life where there’s no chance of love, don’t I deserve one night where I know what love feels like?”
“Phil, don’t ask this of me.”
“I’m not making a request. I’m telling you how I feel.” She reached into her skirts for the hidden pocket and felt the warm key there. Pulling it out, she pressed it into his palm. “It’s your choice, James. If you want me, then I’m yours. Come to my room, to my bed. This is an invitation, and you are free to accept or decline.” She leaned forward and kissed him. “But I do hope you’ll accept.” She stood. “I have to go back before my mother sends a servant to look for me. You should get back too.”
He stood and pulled her roughly against him. She inhaled sharply, thinking she had angered him, but when he kissed her, the kiss was full of passion, not anger. When her knees began to buckle, she put her arms around his neck and clung to him for support as much as out of desire. Finally, he ended the kiss, and she couldn’t stop herself from pulling his lips back to hers.
“I wish I could stay here,” she murmured against his lips.
“So do I, lass.”
“Goodnight.” On shaky legs, she walked back to the house and let herself inside. Once inside, she leaned against the door and took a deep breath. She’d given him the key and asked. There wasn’t any more she could do. She could only hope he would come to her, but perhaps he had too much honor for that. She couldn’t fault him if that was the case.
The sound of laughter floated toward her from the direction of the card room. She smoothed her hair and her dress and made her way back.