I lay there, staring up at the sky through the mesh ceiling of the tent, seeing stars twinkle across my vision that had nothing to do with the galaxy.
His nose nuzzled my neck. “Are you okay?” he whispered, still out of breath.
I made a tiny squeaking noise, and he laughed. He leaned down and kissed me gently, closing his eyes, smiling against my mouth.
There was a reverence in the way he held me, and all I could think was how much I liked the weight of him on top of me. How safe and anchored and grounded I felt.
How cherished.
I never wanted to move from this spot.
There was nothing outside of this tent tonight. Nothing.
There was nowhere to be, no phone to check. No lights to turn off or doors to wonder whether I’d locked. Not even the faint white noise that comes with civilization. The only person I wanted with me was here, and the serenity of the lake and woods combined with Jason’s gentle affection made me relax in a way I hadn’t known was possible. Like I’d been tense my whole life and hadn’t even known it.
All that was left was us.
A big scary world existed somewhere, where bad things happened and people you cared about died—or left you on fourteen-month tours around the world. But tonight there was only this. And I was happy, and grateful, to have it.
Even if it wouldn’t last.
* * *
The next morning Tucker met us at the water’s edge as we docked back at the shores of Camp Larsen. Jason grabbed my ass before he picked up the canoe and pack, and I giggled and hit him.
We were going home today, and we’d already decided that he was spending the night at my place tonight.
He carried everything to the garage, and I came in with him to drop off the paddles, both of us grinning. He hadn’t stopped smiling since he opened his eyes this morning. Neither had I.
We never did see those lights. We’d been a little distracted—all night. I was sore and tired, and I couldn’t have been happier.
Well, unless of course he wasn’t leaving me. But that was something I wouldn’t let myself think about right now.
I followed him through the garage with Tucker, looking around at all the toys. The Larsens were definitely outdoorsmen. They had all the things. Kayaks harnessed to the ceiling, three snowmobiles under covers, a wall of fishing gear. Even a motorcycle was parked in the left stall.
“Your dad rides?” I asked as I looked down at a carefully organized box of fishing lures.
“Oh, the motorcycle?” he said, shouldering off the enormous pack and putting it in the bed of Paul’s truck. “No, that’s mine.”
I looked up and blinked at the bike.
His? Jason, on a motorcycle? I didn’t know he—
Sand.
Invisible grains of sand began to fill my lungs. Every breath gave me sand. It poured down my throat, heavy and thick, taking up the space in my chest, robbing me of air, drying out my mouth.
Can’t breathe.
Couldn’t get anything past the weight of it. I gasped. Tears spilled down my cheeks. The panic spread, the sand coursed through my veins. I couldn’t make it stop.
It drowned me.
Chapter 24
Jason
♪ burn slowly/i love you | The Brazen Youth
I had just slid the backpack into Dad’s truck and slammed the tailgate closed when I heard Tucker’s whimpers. I came around the driver’s side and saw Sloan with her hands over her mouth, gasping for air.
I had her in my arms in an instant.
“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” I held her and tried to tip her chin up, but she buried her face in my chest and sobbed.
Her whole body shook. She was absolutely terrified.
My heart started to pound. “Sloan, what happened?” I could hear the panic building in my voice. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
She didn’t reply.
I glanced over her shoulder and my eyes glided over the black wheels of my bike and then I realized…“Is it because of the motorcycle?”
She managed a nod.
Without another word I scooped her up into my arms and ran with her outside.
It had been two years since Brandon’s accident. She must have seen thousands of bikes by now. There was only one reason this could be upsetting her. Because it was mine.
When I set her feet down on the lawn, I held her by the arms and dipped my head to look at her. “Sloan, we’re going to work on your breathing, okay? Look in my eyes. In and out, slow and steady. Can you do that?”
She nodded and drew a careful, jagged breath through her lips.
“Listen to me,” I said, holding her gaze. “Nothing is going to happen to me,” I said slowly. “I’ll sell it. Right now. You hear me, Sloan? I won’t ever ride one again.”
She let out a shuddering breath, and tears spilled down her beautiful cheeks. Tucker pressed himself against our legs, looking up at her, worried.
“I’m sorry,” she breathed.
I shook my head. “Don’t apologize to me, no. Shhhhhhh…”
She took a few more ragged breaths and when she started talking again, it was so quiet I almost couldn’t hear her. “There was blood in his eyes, Jason. His skin was scraped off by the asphalt. All the way to the bone.”
Her words came like a punch to my gut. Jesus. What do you even say to something like that?
I hated this. I just wanted to protect her, to keep her from ever having to endure anything else painful for the rest of her life. I wished I could wipe it clean. If I could take it from her and carry it myself, I would.
Every gasp and sob that came from her sliced at me like razors.
It was like my heart was split down the middle—I had one half and Sloan had the other. I knew without a doubt that from this point forward I’d have to care for her better than I cared for myself—because I could never be okay if she wasn’t.
It took a few minutes, but she calmed down.
When the trembling stopped, I kissed her forehead and held her face in my hands. Her hair stuck to her wet cheek, and I brushed it aside and tucked it behind her ear.
“I can’t watch another man die on one of those,” she said simply. “Please. Don’t ever get on one. You have to promise me, Jason.”
“Never. I promise,” I whispered. “I’m not going to leave you, Sloan. It’s not going to happen again.”
She nodded, took a deep breath, and let me walk her to the house, and the whole time my mind kept circling back to the same thought.
I was grateful that I’d been there for her through my music in her darkest hours. That I’d reached her and touched her and held her in my arms for years—even though neither of us had known it yet.
I wanted to reach her and touch her and hold her in my arms forever.
Because I was completely and totally in love with her.
Chapter 25
Sloan
♪ 26 | Paramore
It had been three days since we’d come back from Minnesota, and every morning since, it had been a feat getting Jason out of bed and off to be Jaxon Waters.
“Don’t you have to get ready?” I giggled. He was all hands today. “Zane’s going to be here at seven.”