“I have no intention of scaring away your customers,” I reassured him. “I just want to feel her out. She might know who was angry enough at Roy to kill him.”
“I hate to break it to you, honey, but she was probably angry enough to kill him. Can you imagine being married to the guy?”
“I promise to be on my best behavior. She won’t even know what I’m doing.”
“Okay, but if I feel you’re stepping over a line I’m going to lock you in the cooler with our newest guests.”
The thought gave me the shivers. “I swear I won’t do anything to embarrass you.”
“Then we’ll give it a shot. I’m kind of curious about what she has to say, too.”
VERA AXE LOOKED OLDER than I remembered and shorter. Her shoulders were sloped and she had the appearance of a woman who had been through eight wars as she shuffled into the funeral home.
“How are you feeling, Mrs. Axe?” Sebastian immediately moved to her side. He’d changed into a staid black suit that set off his broad shoulders, the picture of concern as he helped her to one of his ridiculously cute settees.
“I’ve been better,” she replied dryly, her eyes momentarily landing on me. “Do you have another customer? We had an appointment.”
“That’s Stormy Morgan.” Sebastian’s response was smooth. “She just moved back to town. She’s interested in joining my team here after she goes through training, so I’m allowing her to serve as an apprentice. If that bothers you, she can wait in the other room.”
I frowned. I didn’t like the idea of anyone believing I wanted to apprentice in the funeral home business. That was creepy on a level that made my skin crawl.
“I guess that’s okay.” She eyed me speculatively for a moment. “You’re Charlie’s granddaughter, right?”
“One of them,” I confirmed, nodding. “Actually, I’m his favorite granddaughter.”
“Is that saying much?” Vera’s expression was sour. “Everyone knows Charlie favors his grandsons. If you don’t have testicles in his world, you’re a non-entity.”
Sebastian’s eyes lit with an amusement he quickly dampened. “I guess that’s why he’s always been fond of me.”
“If you say so.” Vera let loose a sigh, her eyes going to the casket display at the far end of the room. “Are those my choices?”
“Those are the most common models,” Sebastian reassured her. “We have a whole catalog of other caskets if you’re interested. I can have them here in less than twenty-four hours if you find something you like.”
“And what if I just want to throw him in a pine box and have him cremated?”
The question obviously caught Sebastian off guard. “Oh, well ... um ... .”
“That’s how my grandfather wants to be put to rest,” I offered. “It’s not a terrible idea. Caskets are really expensive.”
Sebastian shot me a dirty look over Vera’s shoulder. “They’re also beautiful, and a fine final resting place. I mean ... who doesn’t like the idea of a comfortable casket?”
I raised my hand but he ignored me.
“If you prefer cremation, I understand,” Sebastian continued. “Many families are choosing cremation these days. There’s worry of overcrowding in cemeteries ... and concern for the environmental footprint.”
“Oh, that’s not why I want him cremated,” Vera countered. “I don’t care about any of that. I’ll be dead long before global warming becomes a concern and I don’t really care if it’s a hardship for the next generation because they’re all jerks.”
I pressed my lips firmly together and averted my gaze. I just knew if Sebastian and I made eye contact,we would both start laughing.
“All right,” Sebastian said, choosing his words carefully. “You don’t have to justify your reasons for wanting cremation.”
“It’s not a justification. He was a jackass, an Axehole really. Oh, yeah. I’ve heard the variations on that name for years. They were warranted.
“Listen, Roy was a jerk. I knew it better than anybody else,” she continued. “You don’t have to pretend with me. I’m only bothering with a proper burial because people in town will think I’m cheap if I don’t. If it were up to me, I’d throw him out in the middle of the street and let people spit on him.”
“I’m sure he had some good qualities,” I hedged, desperately looking for something to latch onto.
“Sure he did.” She flashed a smile more grimace than grin in my direction. “He was great when it came to doing yard work.”
That wasn’t what I was looking for, but it was better than nothing. “Well, that’s something, right?”
“Absolutely. He kept the hedges trimmed because he liked peeping in Marla Stinski’s windows. She doesn’t like wearing clothes inside her house — heck, she probably doesn’t like wearing them outside either, but she knows she’ll get ticketed if she’s not careful. Roy realized that if he didn’t keep the hedges maintained he wouldn’t be able to see her in the buff.”
My mouth dropped open.
Vera kept on as if she didn’t have an audience hanging on her every word. “He also kept the branches on the large maple tree at the back fence trimmed properly. That’s because the Stevenson girl likes to lie out in her bikini. We have one of those privacy fences, so he had to get on a ladder to look at her. He trimmed so many branches last year the tree looks naked from the waist down.”
“Oh, well ... how old is the Stevenson girl now?” I tried to do the math in my head.
“Sixteen,” Sebastian answered grimly.
That sounded about right. She’d barely been walking when I’d left for college. “Well, maybe he considered himself an artist,” I offered brightly.
Vera’s lips curled into a sneer. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“Artists study the human form in a clinical manner.”
“Yeah, that wasn’t it. Roy couldn’t draw a stick figure unless the stick was in his pants. He did enjoy adding penises to photos in the newspaper. He thought it was funny, even if the photos were of an accident scene or a murder victim. He would leave the newspapers behind in restaurants so other customers could enjoy his artwork.”
I chewed my bottom lip. It sounded as if Roy was an even bigger jerk than I remembered. “Still, you married him,” I pressed. “There must’ve been something about him you liked.”
“When Roy and I met, I was looking for a way out of my father’s house. He was a strict disciplinarian and believed the only way a daughter could leave the nest is if she was married. At the time, I thought Roy was the answer to my problems.”
“See.” I forced a smile I didn’t really feel. “He was good for something.”
“Yes, he was a true joy,” she drawled, rolling her eyes. “If I knew then what I know now I would’ve stayed with my father. He might’ve been a real killjoy, the sort of guy who never laughs and doesn’t think others should either, but at least he didn’t get his rocks off staring at underage girls.”