‘Yes, you do.”
His eyes snap open, and he finally lets his pain show.
“I promise you I don’t, Ell. Each time it happens differently. There are so many variables, so many things I still can’t understand.”
He’s telling the truth about this at least.
“Please, Ellis,” he begs. “Sit with me. Let me hold you.”
“Answer me one more thing first.”
“Anything. I’ll tell you anything.”
“Are you dying, Macs?”
Chapter 23
Macsen
“Are you dying, Macs?”
Dear God, the pain of his words. They slice through flesh and sinew, digging deep right into my very core.
How can I hold anything back now? I thought I’d have more time. I thought I’d have everything in place. I’d hoped this day would come when all my affairs were in order. When I could look at Ellis and say, ‘I did all this for you’.
It shouldn’t be here, now, in a tiny hospital room. He should never have seen me the way he did, body lifeless, skin deathly.
Maybe that’s what triggered the memories he’s regained. Maybe that’s why he’s found them deep inside him because he thought he’d lost me on that beach.
God, I’ve been so stupid and reckless, and it’s only caused him even more hurt.
It’s time for the truth.
“Yes.”
Three letters.
One word.
A word that can often bring joy.
But now it only brings devastation.
“No.” His already drained face pales further. “Take it back. No.”
I stay silent, wanting more than anything to get out of this damned bed and go to him, but it will only make things worse.
“How long?”
I shake my head, my eyes closing to block out the look of complete and utter despair on his handsome face.
“How long, Macs?”
“I don’t know.”
“Don’t lie to me!” His words are like stones pounding against my skin, and I take the hit of each one. I’d take the blow of a million stones if it would only ease his pain.
My eyes open, and I give him the truth once more. A truth I hate, even though I knew it was coming long before I found him.
“Weeks. A few months, maybe.”
He takes a step back, his body hitting the door, and all his strength drains from him. It’s as if my words have pulled a plug, and all of Ellis’s power leeches away. His knees bend, his back slides down the doorframe, and head in hands, he crumples.
“How long have you known?”
“Since before I came to Lily Bay.”
His head lifts, his ocean blue eyes rimmed red and swimming in pain.
“But you came here and found me anyway?”
“I had to.”
“Why? Why Macs? Why would you make me fall in love with you? Why would you wait for me to remember if you knew you were going to take it all away?”
“Because you needed me, Ellis. I felt it. You called to me. You always do. That’s how I always find you. You needed me, and nothing and no one would ever stop me from coming for you.”
A single tear slips from the corner of his eye and trails down the smooth skin of his cheek. It reaches his jaw and then hangs there as if suspended in time, and I’m out of bed and in his arms before that single droplet hits the floor at his feet.
I expect him to break, to shatter in my arms, to allow me to try and mend all his broken pieces, but he doesn’t. He’s rigid, like stone. His arms may hold me, but there’s no emotion to his touch.
“Why are you pushing me away? We have some time, Ellis. Let’s not waste it.”
“You’re dying, Macsen. We don’t have time.”
“We do. I promise you we do. They’ll let me out of here tomorrow. We can go back home. Nothing has to change.”
“Everything has changed.”
The anguish in his voice has me holding onto him tighter, even if his grip has loosened on me.
“You make it sound like it’s forever, Ell. You know it’s not. You said you remembered.”
His arms tighten around me a fraction then, as if realising he’s mad at me, they slacken once more. That tiny movement gives me hope. If only I can make him understand.
“It is forever, Macs.”
“It’s not. We are never separated forever. This is not the first time for us, and it won’t be the last. I promised you then, and I promise you now. I will always find you.”
“How can you be so calm about this? Does what we have mean nothing?”
I lift my head from his shoulder and take his face in my hands.
“Ellis, look at me.” He doesn’t. He keeps staring at a spot over my shoulder. “Look at me and see for yourself. Look and see if you can find nothing in my eyes.”
His eyes flick to mine, and he lets me in. Swimming behind his blue gaze are grief and despair, but also love. So much love. He’s never been able to hide it well, but now it’s there for anyone to see.
I lean forward and place a soft kiss to his lips, lingering there, letting my touch tell him more than my words.
“Can you feel nothing in my kiss?” I whisper across his skin, letting my breath feed his inhale.
“I feel everything. That’s the problem, Macs. How am I supposed to let you go? Why do I have to let you go? We’ve had months. I wanted years.” His breath catches, and I lean forward, so we’re brow to brow. “I wanted forever,” he confesses, his words thick with agony.
“We have forever,” I vow. “We do. It’s only this time, right now, that’s short.”
I feel the moment his defences slip fully. His arms pull me close, his nose burrows into my neck, and he breathes me in.
“Will I begin to remember the good times?” He’s been silent for so long that his voice sounds loud in this small room.
“I don’t know. I hope you will recall some of them.”
“Is it always me who is left behind?”
I hold him tighter, pull him impossibly closer until I can feel his heartbeat next to mine.
“No. Not always. Sometimes I leave first, sometimes it’s you, but I need you to understand that it makes no difference because we always come back to each other. Always, Ellis.”
I lift my head and wait for him to look at me, and when he does, I confess, “It’s my time, Ellis. I can feel it getting closer, but not yet.”
“You’re giving up.”
“No, I’ll never give up. Not until the very end. I’ll stay with you as long as I can.”
He sucks in a deep breath.
“But I’ll still lose you. Just like I lost my parents. You’re still dying. You can’t sugar coat that, Macs. I’ll still be alone.”
“No one ever really dies, Ellis. Don’t you see? Our souls are all connected. You’ll see your parents again, and I promise you’ll see me again. In every lifetime to come.”
“Are you afraid,” he whispers.
“Of what? Of dying?”
He nods. “Yes.”
“No, I’m not.”
Another tear slips free, this one running down the proud length of his nose to trickle down to his lips. I lean forward to kiss it away, to take some of his pain from him and ease his burden.