“Well, after tomorrow night you will be looking at the defending champion, so there.”
I grinned. “We’ll see about that. Here we go . . .” I stuck my headphones back on, scooted closer to the control board, and pressed the microphone button. “Welcome back to the Dr. Tough Love show. Lori Martin is with me, my trusty cohost who is now entered in the Dr. Tough Love Charity Poker Tournament, which will be held tomorrow evening at the La Jolla Cove Bridge Club. I do want to thank you for your participation even though I plan on winning again.”
“It will be such a pleasure to watch you eat those words.”
“Lucky for me I love to eat.” I chuckled. “Let’s go to the phones . . . Sonya in Sabre Springs, you’re on the air.”
“Hey, I’ve got kind of a weird problem, so I’m not sure you can help me.”
“We will certainly give it a shot. What’s going on?”
“Well, my boyfriend likes to have our cat and two dogs in the bedroom with us when we’re having sex.”
Lori covered her mouth to keep from laughing, but I didn’t have such restraint.
“I’m being serious!” Sonya said. “This really bugs me.”
“Okay, okay.” I tried to curb my laughter while thinking about how to approach this problem. It really caught me off guard since our producer, Jim, had only put in the show notes on our monitor that Sonya was calling about a problem with animals on the bed. I assumed he meant that the animals were sleeping with them and hogging up too much space, which was a common problem.
I adjusted the microphone. “When you say your boyfriend wants to make sure the animals are with you when you’re having sex, what exactly does he do? Pick them up one by one and put them in their places or does he ring a cowbell and they come running?”
“He used to just call them, and they would all follow him down the hallway to the bedroom, but now he doesn’t even do that because they know the routine. Well, except for Fleas Witherspoon, who’s pretty much in the bedroom all day unless she’s eating or pooping.”
“And Fleas Witherspoon is . . .”
“The cat.”
“And the dogs are . . .”
“Winnie the Poodle and Droolius Caesar.”
Lori smiled. “And why does it bother you that they’re in the room with you?”
“Because they’re watching us! It just feels wrong, since they’re like our children. And you should see the way Winnie the Poodle looks at me. It’s like she doesn’t approve or she’s judging us. I’m pretty sure Droolius Caesar will be scarred for life. I swear sometimes it looks like he’s shaking his head at us, but he never looks away.”
I stifled a laugh “And what does your boyfriend say when you tell him you feel uncomfortable having sex in front of them?”
“He says they don’t have a problem with it, so I shouldn’t either, and that animals have been having sex in front of complete strangers for centuries.”
“Have you tried turning off the lights, so you don’t see them?”
“That just makes it worse.”
“How so?”
“I get even more self-conscious because I know Fleas Witherspoon is watching me in the dark. Plus, I can hear when one of them starts cleaning themselves, or worse, when one starts licking my feet or another part of my body when I’m on the verge of my climax. Talk about an orgasm killer.”
Lori nodded. “Does your boyfriend like having sex with you?”
“Of course. He loves it.”
“You are in control. You have the power. Your only solution is to withhold sex from him until he sees your point of view.”
I held up my hand. “Whoa, slow down Merciless Lori! Where did that come from?”
“It comes from a woman who knows you need to put your foot down when your partner is not taking your needs and desires seriously and is only thinking about himself.”
“That’s cruel and unusual punishment. It’s not her boyfriend’s fault the pets want to watch.”
“Yes. It. Is!” Lori and Sonya said together.
“I bet I can find someone who’s listening right now who has sex while their pets are on the bed and the pets are not even paying attention. Sonya’s pets are the ones who have the problem here. They’re freaks, if you ask me.”
Lori laughed. “I really am surprised you have a PhD in psychology.”
“You’re not the only one.” I chuckled. “Okay, Sonya, you heard Lori. Blackmail your man until he kicks the pets out of the bedroom. And since the ladies are in the mood to take drastic action, maybe you should dump him and move on.”
Lori laughed again. “No! I should’ve known you’d go there. Dumping him is not necessary.”
“Fine. Sonya, you know what to do. Good luck.”
“Thanks so much, guys!” Sonya said. “I’ll give it a shot. Love you both. Oh, by the way, that video of you two kissing is smoking hot. It almost set my phone on fire.”
Lori and I stared at each other, wondering what the heck Sonya was talking about.
“What video?” we asked at the same time.
“The one on Facebook. It already has like a hundred thousand views. I shared it, too. Don’t be surprised if it goes viral!”
I waved my finger at the microphone. “You’re mistaken because we didn’t post any videos.”
“Oh, it’s you all right, and you were tagged. That’s the ballroom dancing place in La Jolla, right?”
That was obviously the video Dan mentioned.
I blinked.
Lori blinked.
We had dead air.
“Hello?” Sonya said.
“Uh . . . yeah, we did go dancing, but . . .” I was finally able to say. “There was no video that we’re aware of. We certainly didn’t post anything.”
“Oh, there’s definitely a video. Let me see who posted it.”
Lori looked like she was going to be sick.
I went to Facebook and searched for the video. It wouldn’t be too difficult to track it down since Sonya said the person who posted it tagged us both.
“Okay, yeah,” Sonya said. “It was posted by someone named Joyce.”
“No!” Lori yelled into the microphone, almost busting my eardrum. “Seriously?”
“For sure. She said it was her granddaughter kissing the stuffing out of her new lover.”
Lori covered her face with her hand. “Grandma Joyce, I know you’re listening right now. You’d better double bolt your front door. This is not going to end well for you.”
I laughed after finding the video and playing it. “Wow, great video, and you really are kissing the stuffing out of me.”
“It takes two to tango, mister, remember?” She glared at me and held up her fist.
I chuckled and held up my hands in defense. “Can I just say that your grandma is an amazing videographer?”
“No, you may not. Let’s take another caller, please.”
“Fine, fine. Thanks for calling, Sonya.” I disconnected the call and pressed line three. “Kristan is calling from Old Town. Welcome to the program.”
“Hey! Sonya is right—that video is the bomb!”