‘But what about Hope?’ I said. ‘She hasn’t got one either.’
Sam pointed to where Hope was laughing with a guy I hadn’t seen before. He was standing behind her, a little too close for comfort, I couldn’t help thinking, and together they were making shapes in the air with the sparkler she had given him.
‘She’s all set by the looks of it,’ said Sam.
He didn’t seem at all bothered by the sight of his other half wrapped up with a random reveller.
‘All right,’ I relented, thinking it would be rude to refuse, ‘we’ll share. Thank you.’
Rather than go for the cosy set up Hope and her friend had opted for, I held the sparkler until it had burned halfway down and then, fumblingly, handed it to Sam. When our fingers touched this time, I didn’t go quite as hot as when he held my hand in the car, but it was a close-run thing.
‘What did you wish for?’ he huskily asked, ramping up the heat again in spite of my best efforts to keep it at bay and making my insides fizz as dramatically as the cheery display which was still going on around us.
‘If I tell you that,’ I swallowed, ‘it won’t come true.’
The truth was, I hadn’t made a wish. I’d been so pre-occupied with keeping my temperature in check, that I hadn’t had time.
‘That was fun,’ said a girl next to me as she pushed her extinguished sparkler into the bucket of sand. ‘Are there any more?’
‘Afraid not,’ I said.
‘We’ll have to buy more next year,’ remarked Sam, as he breathed in the evocative but not unpleasant acrid tang the sparklers had left behind.
I liked the thought of Wynmouth celebrating the solstice again next year, even though I wouldn’t be there to join in with the fun.
‘Smells like autumn,’ said Hope, as she wandered over, with a big grin on her face. ‘Don’t you think?’
‘It does,’ I agreed, ‘we’ll all be wanting toffee apples for breakfast at this rate.’
‘I have a spicy baked alternative to those,’ said Sophie as she began refilling everyone’s cups with yet more punch. ‘Remind me to give you the recipe, Tess.’
‘I will,’ I said, throwing caution to the wind and holding out my cup for a refill. ‘Thank you.’
‘Are you going to play?’ Hope asked Sam with a nod to where his guitar case was propped against a deckchair.
‘I’m not sure,’ he said, ‘perhaps later when everyone is too tipsy to take much notice of my mistakes. It’s been a while. One thing I am sure of though, is that we need to move the party further up the beach before the tide catches us.’
By the time we had moved everything and were settled on to the sand in front of the café where I’d never seen the sea reach, there weren’t many of us left. Multiple stars were beginning to shine and someone had lit a small fire in a brazier in celebration of the season. I helped pass around the blankets and sleeping bags to the hardy last few which would help stave off the developing chill.
We all found a comfy spot and Sam began to quietly strum a melody on his guitar and sing a few words. I didn’t hear any bum notes as I closed my eyes, thinking that I probably shouldn’t let Sophie top my drink up again. I couldn’t remember if I’d three or four cups now, or possibly even five. I breathed slowly and deeply, thinking that there was something very hypnotic about the lapping waves, the crackle of the fire and Sam’s surprisingly soulful voice.
I sat and listened as he softly worked his way through Ed Sheeran’s ‘Perfect’. I remembered how much I had loved the video which had accompanied the release and how I had wondered whether I would ever find someone who would feel like that about me.
I had once thought I could have felt like that about the person who had given me my first kiss and I had certainly still believed it might be possible the day he dramatically pulled me away from the cliff edge, or rather rescued me from his dog who was intent on tipping me over it, but my memories were a fantasy. That kiss hadn’t been what I remembered at all, just like lots of other things in my life, including my parents’ far-less-than-perfect marriage. It seemed I had skipped merrily through life either wearing rose-tinted specs or a blindfold.
Before I had a chance to check them, I felt warm tears running down my face. I quickly wiped them away with the back of my hand, stood up, turned my back on the party and walked down the beach back to the shoreline. I wasn’t quite as steady on my feet as I would have liked, but I needed to compose myself away from the group. Sophie’s punch was clearly having an impact I hadn’t expected. It was releasing my pent-up emotions as well as relaxing my body – a truly heady combination as it turned out.
‘Tess!’
I closed my eyes and ignored the voice behind me because it was the last one in the world I wanted to hear.
‘Hey!’ it called again. ‘Wait up.’
‘I just need a minute,’ I croaked, still not looking back and taking a few further steps.
My voice was filled with so much emotion, I knew he wouldn’t leave me alone, but I wished he would. Perhaps that was what I should have wished for when we burned the sparklers: to free myself of the stupid feelings I had for a man I couldn’t have.
‘Are you all right?’ Sam asked, eventually catching up with me and sounding out of breath. In my haste to get away from him I’d forgotten that he found walking on the sand so difficult. ‘My singing wasn’t that bad, was it?’
He was trying to coax a smile, but he had no chance of achieving that.
‘No,’ I said, ‘of course not.’
I shook my head and took another step. There’d been music the night I went out with Joe, but it had been loud, brash, raucous and fun. What Sam had just delivered was completely different. Stirring, sensitive, and expressive, he had moved me in a way I hadn’t been touched in a very long time. Probably forever. It had felt like far too intimate a moment to share with someone who was supposed to be just a friend, and a friend who was attached to another friend at that. I couldn’t let him see the impact his impromptu performance had had on me.
‘It was wonderful,’ I sniffed, pulling my sleeves down over my hands and staring out to sea.
I really didn’t want to carry on crying, but I just couldn’t seem to stop now that I’d started.
‘I just needed a minute to myself,’ I sobbed, my breath catching in my throat as I tried not to sound as if my heart was breaking and roughly brushed the relentless tears away with my cuffs.
‘Hey,’ said Sam, quickly closing the gap between us again as my sobs grew louder and before I had a chance to move away, ‘come here.’
He wrapped his arms around me and instinctively I clung to him. His embrace felt warm, safe and strong and I let myself melt into it even though I knew that I shouldn’t, even though I knew that it was wrong, even though it felt like I was betraying Hope. In spite of my guilt-ridden awareness of each and every one of those things, I also knew that there was no magnet in the world strong enough to pull me out of his arms. It was where I needed to be. Exactly where I had wanted to be from the moment I had caught sight of him for the very first time.
He pulled away a little so he could wipe away my tears with his thumb before gently tucking my hair behind my ears. I couldn’t be sure if it was the feel of his fingers on my skin or the act of kindness itself, but something stirred within me. As he bent his head and lowered his lips to mine there was an electrifying certainty coursing through my system that I was about to feel something familiar, even though it was years and years since I had first felt it, and only then for a minute or two.