“Don’t pretend that things haven’t changed.”
I close my eyes against the throbbing ache in my chest. “They haven’t changed enough, Scott. I can’t be your . . .” my mind searches for the right word, “. . . your whatever girl, the one you call up when you’ve got nothing better to do.”
“That’s good. Because I don’t want that either.”
“Oh, really? What is it you want then? What is it that you’re envisioning for us?”
“I don’t know. I –”
“You don’t know?” I mock.
“Let me finish,” he grits out, his fist clenching on the counter in front of him. “Please.”
I fold my arms over my chest, hating that this is just a painful waste of time, one that’s going to leave me gutted when he’s finished. But I’m determined that he’ll take this nasty knife with him when he goes.
“I know,” he says pointedly before his voice gentles, “that I want to get to know you. This thing between us is not something that happens every day . . . or ever.”
Shit, are those butterflies forming in my stomach?
“I feel good when I’m with you, El. You make me want more from life. And that scares me because I’ve already got more going on than I can handle. I don’t know how to sort that out in my head, but I want to give it my best try.”
Irrational hope starts to crest inside of me. But I can’t allow that, I need to keep this real. “That’s all well and good for you, Scott, but I’m not in a position to let you experiment with what does and doesn’t work for you. When you disappeared, it felt like getting hit by a truck while I was looking the other way, and I’m not interested in repeating the experience.” He wants to defend himself, but I hold up my hand to stop him. “I think we both got in over our heads. Let’s just move on.”
“No.”
My expression twists. “What do you mean, no?”
“I mean, no. We may be in over our heads, but we’re good together, El. You can’t deny that.”
True, I think weakly, my resistance starting to melt and pool around my feet, like the wax of a candle left to the mercy of its own flame. “You’ll do it again,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper.
“Do what?” he huffs out half-heartedly. “Fuck up? I’m sure I will.”
Indignation flares. “This isn’t a game, Scott!”
“I know it’s not! I truly never meant to hurt you. I didn’t think it was a big deal to take a couple days to wrap my head around everything. You’re always so confident, El, like nothing fazes you. I never considered that you’d ever need anything from me.”
That pulls me up short, and it must show on my face because he adds more.
“Believe me, I understand now how selfish I was.”
“Do you?” I ask, still a bit stunned. “Because I think we’re playing for different stakes here, Scott. God, I almost took a drink last weekend.”
His head pulls back an inch in surprise. “What?” Clearly that was the last thing he expected to hear tonight. “Are you serious?”
I nod, avoiding his gaze for a moment. “When you didn’t show, I couldn’t stand just sitting here by myself, so I went out with Vanessa and her friends.”
Watching his face drain of everything but shock and remorse only adds to the heat staining my cheeks at hearing the confession spoken aloud.
“Oh, El, I . . .”
I cut off his unwanted apology. “I’m not blaming you. I really thought I could handle it. It wasn’t like I was setting myself up to fail, or anything, but it was a close call.”
“What stopped you?”
I laugh, a bitter, self-deprecating sound. “You did. You were there. With your friends at the bar. It’s ironic when you really think about it.”
“I . . . El. . . I’m. . .”
I wave him off. “So you can see why I can’t take the chance that the next time you have a selfish impulse, you won’t ruin me completely.”
Scott
For crying out loud. Again, this is not going how I planned. This time, not only am I getting blindsided, but I’m sinking in quicksand. That I almost drove her to drink is nothing I ever want to hear again.
Just how badly I screwed up hits me, and for an instant, I consider that maybe she’d be better off without me. But the thought disappears as quickly as it came. I’m not giving up on her or myself. It’s just not in my nature. When my mind’s made up, it’s made up. Now I have to convince her I can get my head out of my ass and treat her with the care she deserves. If only I can find the right words.
“I . . . yeah, I can see why you wouldn’t want to take that chance. I got so caught up in my own damage that I ignored you.” Rubbing the back of my neck nervously, I force myself to go on, to lay it all out there. “I’m used to depending on myself, El. Over the last few weeks, I’ve been doing my best to ignore the feeling of needing to see you, of missing you when you aren’t with me. I thought it was a problem, or a weakness. But these last few days without you have finally shown me the truth.”
Her watery, owlish brown eyes shine up at me. “They have?”
“Yeah,” I admit. “The truth is that when I’m with you, everything is right with the world, and when I’m not, I feel like I’m drowning. I realize now that needing you and missing you don’t make me weak . . .” my stomach flips and twists, “. . . they make everything so much better.” My voice drops to a whisper then. “I know now that I care about you – a lot.”
Her gaze drops from mine as her hands clasp and unclasp on the island counter. God, her silence makes me feel exposed, completely vulnerable and unprotected. If I could, I’d claw my chest open with my bare hands to stop the rising of this horrible, on-edge sensation. Finally, I can’t stand it any longer.
“I’ve got my head on straight now, El. Please give me another chance.”
The sound of her pulling in a breath to speak coils my stomach into a double knot. “So, let’s say I forgive you,” she says softly. “Then what?”
Then what? “Then . . . we move forward.” I almost cringe at how it sounds like a question.
“What does that mean to you, though, moving forward? You have kids.”
My defenses immediately rise and spring thorns at the mention of the girls. “I never hid that from you. Are you telling me it’s some kind of deal breaker now?” I can’t keep the incredulity from my voice.
Her brows, which had been pinched in concern, re-align themselves to show confusion. “What? No, Scott, I’m saying that you have kids. Before you knew how we really met, I could pretend that my past didn’t exist, that Piper isn’t Ellie. But we both know that’s bullshit.” She nervously pulls the elastic from her hair and re-ties her ponytail. “If I’m the sum of my parts – and I am – I’m not fit to be around children, especially not yours.”
My insides freeze. What, exactly, is she saying? For long, excruciating moments, we just stare at each other. For the life of me, I can’t think of how to respond to that.