I needed to find Dexter.
I had to talk to him. Apologize. Something. If I was going to be with him, I needed to be with him. I couldn’t have one foot out the door and ready to leave. It was either all in or all out, and I’d ridden that fence for too long.
I checked my phone to see where he would be tonight and recognized the swank pub where they often had their work happy hours. I needed to go talk to him. I had to tell him and apologize. Hell, what was I going to say, it’ll never happen again? He had no reason to believe me.
But I had to try.
From the bathroom, where I had every intention of hiding until it was time to leave, I used my phone to text a message to Jessa that I would be out of the office and on my phone if she needed anything.
Now all that was left to do was to remedy the guilt on my face.
16
Livy
Finding Dexter and his team wasn’t difficult.
They’d taken over the whole upstairs portion of the pub. It wasn’t even really a pub. It was more bar turned pseudo nightclub. They had dart games and billiards, loud music and a dance floor.
When I climbed up the stairs, I spotted Dexter in the corner playing billiards. He expertly sank a ball in the corner, and I couldn’t help but think his hand seemed fine.
Fantastic.
I swallowed my annoyance. I needed to do this. I’d messed up. Our whole relationship had gone off the rails. And if I wanted to get it back, I needed to fix this. To undo the harm that I’d done. Assuage your guilt you mean.
This wasn’t me. I wasn’t the kind of person who cheated. I wasn’t the kind of person who kissed and made out with her boss. I wasn’t that person. And Dexter needed to know.
I waved him down. His eyes went wide, and he faltered a moment.
He drank his drink before coming over to me. “Liv, what are you doing here?”
“Well, I checked the calendar, saw where you were going to be, and thought I would join you.”
“No, we’re entertaining clients. I can’t really have my girlfriend turning up for that.”
My heart sank. “Oh, I didn’t realize. I’m sorry, I just wanted to see you. We’ve been sort of missing each other like ships in the night.”
“Yeah, I know. We’ve just been busy, I guess. You’ve got your new job.”
I swallowed down the annoyance, the anger, the fear that he might not be helpable. I swallowed all of it because he was Dexter. My Dexter. He loved me, and I loved him.
He doesn’t act like he loves you. I ignored that twinge of reality.
“I just need five minutes, and then I’ll leave you to enjoy your clients.”
He sighed, leading me down the stairs. “Liv, this is really inconvenient.”
“Sorry. I can go, I just really needed to see you.”
He rolled his eyes. “Is this about your mum again? Look, I get that you’re sad, but I thought you had a therapist for all this stuff.”
“I do. I see her and it’s good. But I need to see you. Look…” I shifted on my feet. This was not the way I wanted to have this conversation. “Can we go outside?”
He pressed his lips together into a firm line. “Christ, you’re so fucking needy right now. I need to get back to my client.”
Why was I here, begging him to love me? “It will just take a second, Dexter.”
We finally went outside where I could hear myself think. Whispered kisses of an impending drizzle brushed my face. I glanced up at him. His eyes were bloodshot, his pupils dilated. Come to think of it, he’d been using his hand just fine upstairs. I’d watched him angle a billiards cue. Expertly. His grip steady.
Stop it.
“Something happened today, and it made me realize that I want to work on us.” The hell you do. You’re running scared. “Really work things out. I know things have been a bit shaky, but I just want us to get back on track, you know?” You’re only here because you are desperate to know how else Ben can use his expert tongue, and it terrifies you. “I didn’t realize tonight was a client thing. I thought it was just a bunch of mates from work.” You did realize, but you need to cling onto this reality so you don’t slip your boss your wet panties.
He rubbed at the back of his neck. “Can’t we just talk about this at home?”
“Yeah, I guess.” I wasn’t sure what I’d thought. That he’d magically turn into the old Dexter who would have been happy to see me on a night like tonight?
“Everything okay out here?”
The hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention, and a cold chill crept in through a crack I’d left unguarded. Dexter turned with a smile. “Fenton. There you are. Look, Olivia came by. She wanted to hang out. Why don’t you and her chit chat. Get to know each other better. Liv, Fenton and the missus have been saying we need to go over there for dinner. Why don’t you two sort it out? And be nice.”
I forced myself to smile at Fenton. More of a gritting of teeth really. “Just one moment please.” I pulled Dexter aside. “Dexter, I told you he makes me uncomfortable. Please don’t leave me with him.”
“Oh, just stop being such a fucking cunt. That’s my boss. The least you can do is help me grease the political office wheels a little bit, yeah?”
My stomach turned. “What the fuck do you mean grease the wheels?”
“He’s going to notice you’re always rude. You never want to do dinner, you won’t even talk to him at events, and you won’t dance with him.”
“I didn’t realize it was my job to dance with your boss. And I do all those other things. To support you. But you’re going to go back inside and leave me with him? That makes me really uncomfortable.”
“Well it’s not my problem. Leave if you want. It’s not like you ever gave a shit about my career anyway.”
I winced as if I’d been slapped. “Are you being serious? Or are you taking the piss?”
“I don’t even know what you’re doing here.”
I straightened my back. “You know what, neither do I.”
I couldn’t even watch him walk inside. But when I turned, and Fenton was right there not two steps away. “Sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear. Look, I’m sorry if my presence causes you discomfort.”
I swallowed hard. “Look, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. It’s just… I like my space.”
He sighed. “But you recognize I’m just trying to help.”
I tried to choose my words carefully since I was now outside, alone, with a man who made me uncomfortable. “And it’s kind of you to be so helpful. Dexter thinks the world of you.” There I was, doing it again. Making excuses for him, always trying to smooth the way. But he’d just left me. Like I was nothing.
“Why don’t you let me take you home? You know Dex. He’s had too much to drink. We can try to figure out a solution for him.”
How exactly did one say fuck that noise politely? I was sure there was a way to do that. “That’s all right. I think I’ll just call an Uber.”
He chuffed a laugh. “You know, Dex told me what happened. That you got mugged after the event. I was horrified. If you had just listened, did as I told you and took my car or let me take you home, none of that would have happened.”