Sarah looked disappointed. I think she wanted stories of glamour and hotels and jewelry. It felt ridiculous to tell her that our affair had consisted mostly of snatched moments together that had meant more than any time in a hotel. Every week or so I’d travel to meetings with Harry and those hours spent in the car together had been like little holidays: something to look forward to and to treasure afterward. I’d keep quiet when Tom asked about work and always made sure to include Sarah or another woman if I told him I’d been anywhere. He’d usually switch off if I said too much, anyway; his eyes would glaze over and he’d turn on the television or open a book.
“And nobody found out? Tom didn’t suspect?”
“No, he didn’t suspect a thing,” I said. I didn’t say that I was so used to watching what I said, in case Tom was annoyed, that lying came really easily to me now. “I was home every night. He had no reason to be suspicious.”
I remember the first time I lied to him. An actual full-on lie. There wasn’t an ounce of truth in it. It was ten at night and Tom had just arrived home. He’d had a meeting with clients in Glasgow that day and, knowing he’d be late, I’d spent some time with Harry in his office after hours. I’d gotten home at eight, so that when Tom touched the hood of my car, the engine would be cold, and I’d called him from the landline, as he liked me to do, but he hadn’t answered his phone. Before he’d even taken off his jacket he’d said, “What did you do this evening?”
I panicked for a split second but remembered that as soon as I’d gotten home I’d dialed the house phone to check the time of the last call, but he hadn’t called me. Without a pause, without even thinking about it, I’d said, “Oh, today was a really horrible day at work. It was so busy and Sarah just wasn’t pulling her weight.” Sorry, Sarah. “And I was listening to the radio on the way home and someone was talking about meditation and how it helps if you’re stressed, so when I got in I put some on YouTube and had a go.” I laughed. “I was really bad at it, but it did the trick. I’ve just had a nap.”
Tom picked up the remote and flicked the television on then, and went to YouTube. He still had his jacket on, his car keys in his hand. He looked at the sites last viewed; there was no mention of meditation. He looked back at me, his face still.
“I wouldn’t do it in here where anyone could look in the window! You had my iPad, didn’t you, so I took my phone upstairs and did it there.” I smiled at him. “We could do it together, if you like, when you’re ready for bed? I promise you’ll sleep like a baby.” I knew there wasn’t a chance in hell that Tom would meditate. I quickly added, “I’ve made you some supper. Fancy a glass of wine with it?”
Now Sarah said, “Typical of me not to notice what was going on. So that trip to Paris. The conference. You were together then?”
My face flamed. “Yes.”
She ordered more drinks and I thought that after that one I wouldn’t have any more. I’d tell her too much. “But you were risking everything,” she said. “Your marriage. His marriage.”
I could tell she thought I was crazy. “I loved him.” I couldn’t say whether I did now or not, and hoped she wouldn’t ask me. “And I thought he loved me.”
“But why were you fired?” she asked. “I don’t understand.”
“Yeah, that wasn’t exactly what I thought would happen.” My throat clenched up and I took a long slug of my drink for courage. “Harry and I decided we wanted to be together. It was all agreed. I was going to leave Tom. He was going to leave Emma. It was all arranged.”
“What? You were leaving home to live with Harry?” And you didn’t tell me? rang in the air. “When?”
“Last Friday.”
“But Jane said he went on holiday on Friday night. She said it was all planned.” She looked confused. “I wondered why he hadn’t said anything about it. You know how he’d normally look forward to his holidays and talk about them. He never even said he’d be off work.”
“He wasn’t meant to be,” I said. “He was meant to be leaving home. To be with me. We’d booked a hotel and were supposed to meet up there.”
She was quiet for a minute and I could tell her mind was racing. “When I left the office at three o’clock, you didn’t say a word. I asked what you were doing at the weekend and you said, ‘Nothing much.’ Remember, I asked if you fancied going to see a movie that night? You said you were tired and just wanted to watch television.”
“I’m sorry. I felt horrible about that. I would have told you on Monday. We’d planned that I’d tell Tom and he’d tell Emma, then we’d meet in the hotel afterward.” I could feel my throat tighten. “And then he didn’t turn up.”
“But you did?”
“Yes.”
“And you’d already told Tom it was over?”
“Yes.”
She took a deep breath. “Oh no. I don’t think I could have done that. I would have wanted him to leave home first, I think.”
I winced. “That was the thing. I thought I could trust him.”
“I wouldn’t trust anyone that much.” We sat in silence for a while, then she said, “So you got to the hotel and Harry wasn’t there?”
I nodded, still furious at his betrayal. “I waited all night. All weekend.” I thought of how I’d sat there so excited at first, before I started to worry. I remembered calling the hospitals and felt such a fool. All that time he was on holiday, having a romantic break with his wife.
Sarah looked shell-shocked. “Didn’t he call you?”
“Nope.”
“Did you call him?”
“A couple of times.” Or a couple of hundred times. “His phone went straight to voice mail.”
“He might have switched it off. It wouldn’t even register you’d called unless you’d left a message. We were told he wasn’t taking messages. They needed a break.”
“But I didn’t know that. I didn’t know anything. He just didn’t turn up and then I went to work on Monday, thinking he’d be able to explain himself, but I couldn’t get in. My pass wouldn’t work. And then Eleanor came down to reception and gave me my things from my desk.” I was hot with embarrassment at the memory. “She knew I’d been seeing Harry. She made that pretty obvious.”
“But how would she know? Did Harry tell anyone?”
“No. He didn’t tell anyone about us, not even his best friend. Nobody knew.”
“Isn’t that discrimination? I’m sure it doesn’t matter how long you’ve worked there if you’re discriminated against. Maybe you could appeal?”