I went straight out for a run after work that evening. I took a different route, through a road parallel to the river. At the top of the hill that led down to the promenade I stopped for a second and steadied myself on an old stone wall. The smell of the river, salty and fresh, filled my lungs. I plugged my headphones in and scrolled through my phone’s playlist. Bob Marley’s “One Love” resounded in my ears as I ran down the hill toward the river. The sun was still bright, the sky a vivid blue.
My heart lifted. As my body warmed up and my breathing became more measured, I felt a spark of happiness. There’s something about running, when there’s enough wind to cool my face and when my arms and legs are in synchrony, that means I can let myself go completely and forget everything, just for a while.
I ran back to my flat feeling as though something had changed in me. I was ready to leave my past behind and move on. And that wasn’t a punishment, it wasn’t a penance; it was something I was looking forward to.
I was too hungry to shower before I ate, so I quickly put together some chicken and salad for dinner and took it into the living room. An e-mail notification pinged on my phone; it was just something from the local beauty salon offering a discount on treatments. I deleted it. The e-mailed tickets from Tom were now top of the list. I reread it. They had cost nearly £400. He’d known how much I loved those live shows. We’d never been to the Royal Albert Hall and had always gone to smaller places in Liverpool and Manchester, but he would have known how much I’d love to go there. And three tickets. Did he think he and I would go there with Josh? The show was at Christmas. Did he think we’d be back together by then?
For the tenth time I read his message.
I was in Scotland this weekend visiting my brother. He sends his love.
So do I.
x
The phone rang in my hand, making me jump. It was Tom: a video call. I panicked that by rereading his e-mail I’d conjured him up. Hastily I ran my hands over my hair, pushed my plate away, and straightened my back.
“Hi,” he said. “Just wanted to check in on you, make sure you were okay.”
“I’m fine.” I don’t know why I felt so nervous. “Thank you for the tickets. That was really kind of you.”
“You’re welcome. It should be a great night.” Again, I wondered whether he thought he’d be there with me.
“Why are we on a video call?”
He smiled. “I just wanted to see you, honey.”
“Honey? You haven’t called me that for years.”
He seemed nervous when he smiled and said, “I realize that, Ruby. I think I got a bit lost. Didn’t appreciate you enough. Being here on my own is making me think about things.”
I kept quiet; I wasn’t used to this version of Tom.
“I haven’t seen you for weeks,” he added. “You look great.”
In the corner of my screen I could see exactly what he could see. My hair was tangled and damp from running and I hadn’t put any makeup on since early that morning. I didn’t bother to answer him but realized at least I wasn’t apologizing for the way I looked.
“You’ve lost weight,” he said, and smiled at me. “It suits you.”
As soon as he complimented me I lit up. I couldn’t help it; I always did it, like someone who was desperate for approval. He was right; I had lost quite a lot of weight over the past few weeks, though I wouldn’t recommend the way I’d lost it to anyone.
On the other hand, Tom was looking great. He was all dressed up in a dark blue suit and a white shirt and I realized I didn’t recognize them. He must have been shopping for clothes on his own. I had a vision of a personal shopper telling him he looked fab, boosting his ego, making him feel wonderful. He’d had his hair cut, too, and looked younger. Happier. The difference between us was marked and I cringed. The confidence I’d gained during my run was slipping away.
“You look nice,” I said. “Are you going out?”
His face flushed with pleasure. “Yes, just to the pub. The Crown. You don’t fancy coming along, do you? Get a taxi; I’ll drop you back home.”
“No, thanks.” There was a silence so I added, “It would take me too long to get ready.” I don’t know why I said that. I could have kicked myself. It sounded as though I’d be up for it if there was more time. “Who are you meeting?”
His eyes flickered, then he said, “Oh, just some of the guys from the office.”
I frowned, then stopped when I saw my reflection. It made me look even worse. I knew he was lying. There was no way he’d be meeting work friends on a Monday night. And then it dawned on me. Did he have a date? Surely not. Why would he ask me to be there if he did?
I glanced down at my watch. It was seven forty-five. For a moment I felt like jumping in the car and going to The Crown just to see whom he was meeting.
“I’d better go,” he said. “Come along if you like. It would be great to see you.” He smiled at me. “I miss you, Ruby.” Suddenly it was as though the years between the time we met and now had shrunk. Disappeared. This was the man I’d fallen for. I looked at him and in that moment I couldn’t remember why I had left him. For a split second I thought I could get ready and be there by nine. We could have a couple of drinks, talk about things.
Of course I didn’t do that, but the memory of his smile, the words he’d spoken, stayed with me. They comforted me. Confused me.
CHAPTER 53
Ruby
The night I spoke to Tom I went to bed early. There was too much to think about. Did he really want us to get back together? I’d given up on ever seeing Harry again, but in my heart he was the one I wanted. I couldn’t just go back to Tom as though nothing had happened. At least he knew nothing of Harry. I knew his reaction would have been very different if he had. I started to think that maybe it would be possible to go back to Tom, if he could always be the way he was now.
I went to sleep pretty quickly but just before two o’clock I jolted awake. I’d heard a noise.
I sat up straight and strained to listen. I thought the sound was from outside the flat. Was it just a cat down in the alleyway? Then there was a bang; not a loud one, not enough to waken the street. I gripped my phone and slid out of bed. The flat was dark and quiet. Using the light on my phone to guide me, I tiptoed into the living room and edged my way to the window, where I moved the curtain slightly to one side and peered out onto the street. There was no one in sight. Nothing moved. My car was exactly where I’d left it. It didn’t look like it had been disturbed. I stood for a few minutes looking out into the desolate street. It was a windy night and a plastic bag blew up and down, knocking into parked cars, then lurching away as the wind changed.