I turned to leave the spare room, to check whether it was in Josh’s room, but Tom was standing in the doorway.
“Where is it?” I asked. “What have you done with it?”
CHAPTER 67
Ruby
For a second he looked as though he was going to carry on pretending he didn’t know what I was talking about, but then he said calmly, “Oh, it probably went out with the trash last week.”
“What?”
“You’re the one who wanted to sell the house. I didn’t see you dealing with it. I was just getting rid of things so that there wouldn’t be too much to do at the end.”
I walked toward him. I felt as though my head was about to burst. All I could feel was buzzing and tingling and I think he must have seen he’d gone too far, because he took a step back onto the landing to avoid me.
“You’ve thrown it out?” I knew my voice sounded weird. I was trying hard to breathe properly and when I spoke my voice was high-pitched and breathy.
He shrugged. “I’ve thrown a lot of stuff out.”
He had. And it was all my stuff.
By now my head was swimming. I took another step toward him. “But it wasn’t stuff. It was important to me. Private.”
“You never looked at it anyway.” He took another step backward. “It was just taking up space.”
For a moment I closed my eyes. I thought of the house and how, apart from the kitchen, you would never have known I lived there. This was something of mine and it was hidden from view, as were all my things. That box held my memories. He’d destroyed it, just as he’d tried to destroy me.
I had to say something. I had to. I’d been quiet for too long.
“I know you deleted my e-mail,” I said.
Shock flashed across his face. “Which e-mail?”
He wasn’t fooling me. “You know which one I mean.” I said nothing more but let the silence lay heavily in the air.
Then his face changed, became ugly and dark. All of his flattery disappeared and I could see what he really thought of me. I recoiled.
“Oh, Harry’s e-mail.” He mimicked Harry, then: “I’m so sorry, Ruby, but I can’t leave Emma. She’s pregnant and all I’ve ever wanted was a family. Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have deleted that.” He laughed. “Oh, and . . .”
“What?”
He shook his head, smiling at me. “You’ll find out soon enough.”
My heart pounded. I thought of him reading my e-mails, following my search for jobs, reading my draft e-mails to Harry that I’d never sent, telling him I loved him and needed him and would always be there for him. But that wasn’t what concerned me now.
My blood started to simmer. “That’s not all though, is it?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You came into my flat, didn’t you?”
He raised his eyebrows. “Are you having delusions again?”
“What? What do you mean?”
“Like all those times you thought you were pregnant.” Now he imitated me, his face twisted and hateful. “I know I’ve said this before, Tom, but I really think I am pregnant this time.”
I felt my face collapse and saw his glee. I realized then just how deep his hatred of me was.
“So you think I came into your flat? What did I do there?”
I bit my lip, frustrated. How could I say, You made a cup of coffee or You hung up my dresses or You took the scarf my lover gave me? I knew what he’d say in response.
“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “I know it was you.”
He smirked. “Really? Really?”
“Are you mocking me?” In that moment I just lost it. “You thought you could control me!” He jumped. I’d probably only shouted a couple of times throughout our marriage. “You thought you could run my life!”
“Do you really think I’m that interested in you?” he sneered. “You think I waste any time thinking about you? I’ve got other things to think about. You’re nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
And I knew that was true. I couldn’t help myself. I reached out to strike him.
He reared back, out of the bedroom. Now we were both on the landing. “Hey!” he said. “Don’t do that.”
“Don’t do that.” Now it was my turn to mimic. “Do this, do that. Live like this.” I stopped and roared, “Stop telling me what to do. And stop following me.”
“What are you talking about? You’re mad.”
“You know exactly what I’m talking about.” I’d stopped yelling now. “And stop putting my phone number on those sites.”
“I was doing you a favor! I thought you might like some company, now that you’re all on your own.”
“Just leave me alone.” All I felt was weariness. “You try to control me with every breath you take.”
He laughed. “Are you kidding? You’re the one who left.”
“Because I couldn’t stand it anymore.”
“No. You left so that you could sleep with another man. Own it, Ruby.”
And then I realized. That wasn’t why I left. I thought I’d left to be with Harry, but actually I’d left to get away from Tom. I didn’t even really know Harry. We’d spent only two nights together. We’d never had a fight, never disagreed, even. We’d taken that to be a sign of compatibility, rather than a sign we didn’t really know each other that well.
I stopped still at that thought. All I could hear was the sound of us panting. “So why were you sending me all those messages?” There was still a part of me that wanted to believe Tom had loved me once. “Why did you say you loved me and missed me?”
“You idiot. Did you really believe I meant that?” He laughed. “You think I want you?” He shook his head. “Unbelievable.” He leaned toward me. “Every little message I sent you brought you closer to me.”
“But why? Why would you do that?”
“Do you really think you get to say when this marriage ends? That you can just leave whenever you like?” He spoke as though I was stupid. A fool. “That’s not your decision, Ruby. It never has been. I get to decide whether you stay or go.”
“I did leave, though,” I said. “And do you want to know why I left?” I reached out and pushed his shoulder.