“And I saw the way you were when he was there. At Josh’s birthday parties and at drop-offs. You were so different when we saw you on your own. You never seemed relaxed when you were together. Or not for the last few years, anyway. Belinda saw it as well. She was worried about you, and when you left him, well, we weren’t surprised.”
Tears swelled in my throat. “Can I speak to you?” I whispered. The door between the hallway and the living room was ajar and I couldn’t risk Josh overhearing.
Martin glanced at the door, then back at me. “Mind if I look around the garden?” he asked. “I might take some of those plants on the patio back with me if you don’t want them.”
We went outside and shut the kitchen door behind us. We sat on the bench on the patio, safe from anyone overhearing us.
“What is it?” he asked.
I gripped my hands tightly. I couldn’t tell him what had happened, how I felt responsible for Tom’s death but didn’t regret what I’d done. What did that make me?
Instead, I said, “It was nice of Tom to buy Josh a car. I hadn’t realized he’d passed his test until he came to see me at my flat.”
Martin looked confused. “Yes, he’s really enjoyed the freedom of being able to go wherever he wants.”
“I bet he never lets it out of his sight, does he?”
Martin laughed then. “He spends most of his spare time in it. Either driving around or polishing it.”
“I don’t suppose . . .” I grimaced. This was going to sound so odd. “I don’t suppose Tom ever borrowed it, did he?”
“Tom? Why would he borrow Josh’s car?”
I shook my head. “I just need to know whether he did.”
“Can’t you ask Josh?”
“No. I don’t want to do that.”
He looked surprised. “I’ll ask Belinda. She might know.” He pulled his phone from his pocket and moved a few yards away to speak to her. I heard him say, “I don’t know” a couple of times and then he looked at me and nodded. When the call ended he said, “I’d forgotten about that. Josh was away in London for a few days and Tom took it to the garage for a service. I was really busy with end-of-term stuff and hardly noticed Josh was away.”
“Do you remember exactly when he took it?”
“It was about a month ago. The middle of July. My school finished on the twentieth and it was before then. Josh’s school finished about ten days before.”
I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I’d been followed home on the twelfth. That must have been when Tom had the car. Suddenly I felt guilty that I’d suspected Josh.
“So it was Tom,” I said. “That car followed me home one night.” I saw Martin’s confusion. “Josh’s car, I mean.”
“What? And you think it was Tom?” Then it dawned on him. “Oh no, you thought it might be Josh? He wouldn’t do that. He loves you.”
“I know.” And I did know Josh loved me. I’d always known. “I recognized the car, though, and couldn’t work out why Josh would’ve done that.”
“You must have been terrified.”
“I was so frightened.”
“That bastard,” he said. “Belinda said he was really insistent he had the car; she thought Josh should have taken it for a service himself so that he could find out what was involved.”
There was a moment then when I think Martin realized that the man whom I’d left, the man who’d followed me at night, frightening me, was also the man who’d died when I was in the house. There was a split second where I saw him abandon that idea.
“Come on,” he said. “Let’s get this house emptied and you can start again. You deserve that.”
“You won’t say anything to Josh, will you?”
“No. I won’t say anything to anyone. Tom’s dead now. There’s no point raking over the past. Josh loved his dad; let’s just leave him with good memories of him.” He stood up. “Now, what do you want me to do? Josh is taking his dad’s cameras and electronics. What were you going to do with his clothes?”
I shuddered. I couldn’t bear to think of seeing them again.
“Why don’t I take them to a charity shop?” he asked. “I can do that now, if you like. What will you do with everything else?”
“I’ve contacted a women’s refuge and they said they’d take everything I didn’t want. The furniture. All the kitchen stuff. They can sell what they don’t need. They’re sending a couple of guys over first thing tomorrow with a removal van.”
“You’re not keeping anything at all?”
I shook my head. “No. I don’t want any reminders.”
“I don’t blame you,” he said briskly. “And that’s a great idea, to give everything to a refuge. They need all the help they can get. I’ll get those clothes sorted, then.”
I stayed in the kitchen, packing everything into the boxes I’d brought with me. After an hour, Josh came into the room.
“I’m off now,” he said. “Thanks for letting me take those things.”
I found it hard to look at him. I felt ashamed that I’d doubted him. I went over to him and gave him a hug. “Don’t be silly. They’re yours. It’s what your dad would have wanted.”
“And for the money.”
“It’s yours,” I said again.
“You didn’t mind me taking Dad’s car, did you? One of our neighbors said they were interested in buying it.”
“Of course not,” I said. I’d been relieved it had gone. Every night before I left home I’d see his car come up the drive and my heart would sink. I’d learned to be supersensitive and to be able to know what mood he was in as soon as he got out of the car. I was glad I’d never have to see it again. “How long will you be away for?” he asked.
“I’ve no idea.”
“But you’ll be in touch?”
Now I wasn’t acting. I could be my true self. “Of course I will,” I said. “I love you, Josh.”
CHAPTER 79
Ruby
The guys that the women’s refuge had hired to pack and move everything arrived early the next morning and by midday the house was empty. I sat outside on the low patio wall and wrote a good-bye card for Oliver while they carried boxes and furniture out to the vans. I couldn’t bear to see the dismantling of my home. I didn’t want those memories. When they called to tell me they’d finished, I went to see them off, put the card through Oliver’s door, then went back into the house.