Fitz
WE PULL ON our coats afterward and deliver our bags to Prisha’s friend Madeleine’s room. I try to play it cool, like it’s no big deal I just had sex with Juniper in her car. But it’s a really big deal, and I’m not cool about it. It’s possible the permanency of the smile I’m wearing will require medical attention. I know Juniper notices, though she doesn’t mention it—she only keeps throwing me smiles in return.
There’s a hammock strung up between two trees outside, and we bring down a blanket we find in the dorm. The night air is cold, not freezing, and while we still need multiple layers, I consider the temperature a tiny gift from the universe. Wrapped in the blanket and in each other’s arms, we rock in the hammock, staring up into the sky the way we did at Brown.
“I won’t forget a moment of this,” Juniper says.
I press my lips to her temple. “High praise from you,” I reply, repeating our exchange from the rooftop. I know she’ll remember perfectly.
She laughs, and fuck will I miss her laugh. “You said, ‘High praise from the girl who remembers everything.’” Raising her head, she looks me in the eye. “And I meant I’ll cherish every memory.”
It takes the breath from my lungs. I realize right then—none of it helped. The decision not to go home tonight, the “getting goodbyes out of our system,” the knowledge from the start that this couldn’t last. None of it lightens the inescapable pain of us ending in the morning. I reach for the one sliver of hope I can see.
“Maybe this won’t be goodbye forever,” I say. Juniper bites her lip nervously. “I just mean,” I rush to clarify, “if it’s meant to be, maybe we’ll find each other again.”
I’m relieved when Juniper smiles. “Yeah,” she says. “Maybe one day I’ll walk into a pastry shop to buy cannoli and you’ll be in line in front of me.”
“Or I’ll run into you at a party where I don’t know anyone,” I reply. Juniper turns from me, wiping her cheek.
“Serendipity,” we say together.
“Fate,” I add quietly. It doesn’t feel like it could be anything else. There’s a providence to it, a perfection I can’t explain.
We fall silent, just enjoying the rhythm of our heartbeats, the comfort of being close. Finally, Juniper speaks. “What’s the word for this? For this exact moment?”
I run through every word I know, discarding adjectives and gerunds, nouns and antiquated usages. I kiss her when I have my answer.
“It can’t be described,” I say. “Not with words.”
As I look up at the sky, with Juniper’s head on my chest, the truth settles onto me. I’ll be looking into this field of stars from the front porch of my home tomorrow. Except it won’t be the home I left a week and a half ago, and it won’t be the home I’ll know years from now. I hear the word hiraeth in my head, and it’s in Juniper’s voice.
Holding her close, I think of homes unreachable and people, lives, memories that continue anyway.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
THIS IS A book about family, and writing Juniper’s and Fitz’s journeys wouldn’t have been possible without our own parents and grandparents. It owes to Emily’s grandfather Don, who embodies the importance of family (and who asks every time we visit when our books will be turned into movies). The Ramírez family was meant to be a tribute to Emily’s grandmother, Catherine, and the traditions she’s passed down from the Contreras family to the Robles family, through the Selleks and to ours. For us, it’s not tamales, but the best enchiladas and guacamole there is. So much of Juniper was born hearing your stories while watching you turn taco shells in hot oil without burning your hands.
We were fortunate enough to take college trips like Juniper’s and Fitz’s, and that’s entirely due to the support of our parents. It’s a privilege we don’t take for granted, and one that not only inspired this book but also helped us make our own decisions about our futures. Thanks for sitting through endless nearly identical information sessions and walking into some of the grossest freshmen dorms with us.
Our agent, Katie. We’ll never forget how you read this book overnight. You were the first one to tell us this story was special, and you’ve been our champion in every way we could dream of. Like you did with Megan and Cameron, thank you for hearing these characters’ voices and helping them find their way to the page.
Dana Leydig, thank you for every thoughtful question and direction you brought to developing this book. Authors always dread getting their editorial letter, but yours was nothing but inspiring, and we’re very grateful for how constructive, insightful, and (dare we say) fun the process was. You’re the Moira to our Stevie in this production of Cabaret.
We’re indebted to those who’ve helped us portray the nuances of Fitz’s and Juniper’s stories with authenticity. Thank you in particular to Michael Hayden for talking to us about his experience growing up in the United States and seeking out his birth family after being adopted from another country. Your story could fill multiple books, and we’re grateful you let it inform a piece of ours. Thank you to Dora Guzmán, our authenticity reader. While Juniper’s family is drawn from ours, one experience is not representative of every experience, and your comments helped fill Juniper with a life of her own.
To Tessa Meischeid, thank you for being the best publicist we could ask for, and for having the coolest book-cover-themed nails. To Felicity Vallence, thank you for inciting cover-color wars and branding us #Wibbroka. So much of what makes Penguin Teen special is because of you. Thank you to the intrepid marketing Penguins, James Akinaka, Kara Brammer, Caitlin Whalen, Friya Bankwalla, and Alex Garber. If we were on a road trip down the coast, we’d want you in our car. To Kristie Radwilowicz, for (three times now!) exceeding our imaginations with gorgeous and iconic cover design. To our copyeditors, Abigail Powers, Krista Ahlberg, Janet Pascal, Kaitlin Severini, and Marinda Valenti, thank you for your diligence and impeccable thoroughness (and for one unforgettable discussion of the nuances of pumping gas in New Jersey).
Part of the writing process for us is the coffees, the text chains, the head-clearing hikes in between the pages. For these things, we’re very grateful to our friends in the writing community: Alexa Donne, Alyssa Colman, Aminah Mae Safi, Amy Spalding, Bree Barton, Bridget Morrissey, Britta Lundin, Dana Davis, Demetra Brodsky, Derek Milman, Diya Mishra, Farrah Penn, Gretchen Schreiber, Kayla Olson, Maura Milan, Robyn Schneider, Sarah Enni, and Simone DeBlasio. To our friends not in the writing community, some of you love YA and some of you don’t, and all of you have read our books and listened to us talk about publishing. It means the world.
Finally, to the readers who we’ve met in person or online, who’ve told a friend to pick one of our books up, who’ve roasted us on Twitter (never change) or campaigned for cover colors, and who’ve given us handmade fan art, you’re the reason we get to keep writing books and the reason it’s worth it.