We’ll survive this, though. I’ve instructed marketing to prepare to launch the preliminary voting for the next mascot, and I’m sending the press release teasing the poll going live next month as soon as I finish this email to you.
Sincerely,
L. Valentine
Team Owner
p.s. Stop with the duck jokes. They’re getting old.
From: Tripp Wilson
To: Lila Valentine
Subject: Mascot list
FLAMING MEATBALLS?
How the hell are FLAMING MEATBALLS family-friendly?
From: Lila Valentine
To: Tripp Wilson
Subject: Re: Mascot list
Mr. Wilson,
Seeing as the Thrusters use a rocket-powered bratwurst, and the Scorned’s mascot is a chicken leg, I was under the assumption that meat was the theme of Copper Valley’s professional sports mascots. If I was wrong, the meatballs will be eliminated before the final round, but they’re staying on the semi-final list for fan voting.
By the way, I’ve decided the final round voting won’t occur until next September. We’ll give the final four mascots the entire baseball season to compete to win the hearts of our fans. I’m thinking Game of Mascots between innings, school appearances, morning show interviews, statues moved around town, etc. Marketing has my full list of ideas. You can email them directly to add your suggestions for consideration.
Unrelated: I’ve asked marketing to extend an invitation to the Scorned for team-building activities with the Fireballs. It’s good for us to work with the women’s soccer team, especially since they, too, probably could’ve kicked the team’s ass this past season.
Sincerely,
L. Valentine
Team Owner
From: Tripp Wilson
To: Lila Valentine
Subject: Re: Re: Mascot list
I get the asteroid. That’s fine. And a firefly, even if it’s easy to squish a bug. And I don’t understand the dynamite, but I’m willing to go with it. But what the hell is an echidna? You can’t put choices that require people to look in a dictionary. And a BLOB? Does that stand for something, or are you trying to pull a Philadelphia with ambiguous furry mascots that aren’t actually anything? And twin armadillos? What do ARMADILLOS have to do with baseball and FIREBALLS?
Also, the Scorned’s mascot IS NOT A CHICKEN LEG. Saying that in public is not a way to make friends with the women’s soccer team.
From: Lila Valentine
To: Tripp Wilson
Subject: Vacation Time
Mr. Wilson,
It’s come to my attention that we never discussed paid time off. Perhaps you could use a vacation day sometime this week? Balance is important.
And the mascot semi-finalists are just for fun. No one’s actually going to vote on twin armadillos. (Armadillos roll into balls when they’re threatened. They’re ball-shaped.) By the way, did you like the volcano idea? That was mine. I made marketing add it to the final list. The salamander too, though that suggestion came from that nice security guard at Duggan Field.
Hm. Duggan Field was named after my great-grandmother’s family, since they put up half the money to buy the team in the first place. But I’m wondering if we should change that too?
Sincerely,
L. Valentine
Team Owner
From: Tripp Wilson
To: Lila Valentine
Subject: Duggan Field re-name
Lila,
I was wrong. Copper Valley’s most famous resident was a man named Harry Ahs-Wanker. Pronounced Ass-Wanker. He put the first stake in the ground here and swore that the red leaves on all the maples in the fall meant he’d strike it rich mining for copper. His family still farms outside town, but they’re now the Johnson-Wankers.
One of the hockey players who photobombed the duck shoot reminded me about the family. Apparently he and his girlfriend hung out with them recently. Sounds like the family would love the honor, so we might as well go all in and call it the Johnson-Wanker-Ass Stadium.
Google it if you think I’m lying.
Then tell me the residents of Copper Valley, who love Thrusty the Bratwurst, wouldn’t vote to have a Johnson-Wanker-Ass Stadium. Especially if the Berger twins came out publicly in support of the idea. They said to tell you hi, by the way. I believe Zeus booked an appointment on your calendar to lobby for letting him perform karaoke between innings at the opening home game in the spring.
Don’t say I don’t warn you when you’re walking into disaster.
Might want to stay in New York a while longer and let me handle this.
Respectfully,
T. Wilson, who’s plenty happy to play this game all month long, even though he’s supposed to be interviewing team managers
From: Lila Valentine
To: Tripp Wilson
Subject: Games
Mr. Wilson,
Speaking of games, I’d like to arrange an exhibition game between the Thrusters and the Fireballs. Or our staffs, as I’d prefer none of the actual athletes be injured by taking it too seriously. Please get in touch with the Thrusters’ staff about when we can make that happen.
Sincerely,
L. Valentine
Team Owner who frequently has brilliant ideas, even if her president of operations fails to acknowledge it
From: Tripp Wilson
To: Lila Valentine
Subject: Re: Games
Lila,
On the advice of Zeus Berger, I’ve reached out to not only the Thrusters’ staff, but also the staff of the Scorned (whose mascot, I repeat, is NOT an angry chicken leg) and the Johnson-Wankers for an exhibition game to be played just before spring training.
Also, I know this is just an excuse to see me in baseball pants.
Yes, I know about my baseball card on your phone.
I can send more if you’d like.
Respectfully,
Tripp, who looks even better in baseball pants than in the pants he has to borrow from his brother when he has packing mishaps
From: Lila Valentine
To: Tripp Wilson
Subject: Re: Re: Games
FINE. I’ll drop renaming Duggan Field. You win. And can we quit talking about ourselves in the third person in the signature line?
I hope you didn’t actually reach out to the Johnson-Wankers, because THEY ARE A TRAIN WRECK. I could’ve been reading a book, but instead, I just spent the last two hours on their Wikipedia page.