I close my eyes, fighting the feeling.
Not here. Not now.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life now,” Daisy says.
I blink, pushing the grief deeper into my heart.
Focus on her. Focus on Daisy.
I clear my throat. “In what way?”
“In every way, man. In every single way.”
“I have no doubt you can get another marketing job. Perhaps one even better.”
“I know,” she says. “I don’t doubt that. But…I’m not sure I want that. I took that job because I lucked into it right out of high school. My boyfriend at the time, his father worked there and got me an internship and that was it. I never went to college. I wanted to, but I never went because I didn’t have to. I stayed with that job because it made my life easy and I went with it. But…I’m starting to think that it didn’t fulfill anything except a paycheck.”
“But there’s nothing wrong with that,” I point out, remembering many times in my life where I did whatever jobs I could in order to make money. Then again, I had a goal in mind and it was always to buy boats and to do what I’m doing right now.
“There isn’t,” she admits. Her brows knit together delicately. “Do you think there’s something wrong with wanting more, though?”
I shake my head. “There’s nothing wrong with that either. We should always want more. More for ourselves. To be greater versions of ourselves. It’s better to be in a state of becoming than to be in a state of being. I believe that.”
“My whole life I’ve just been in a state of being,” she says. “I haven’t become anything.”
“But you will.”
She gives me a small smile. “I hope so.” She pauses. “I just have to figure out what.”
“I have no doubt you’ll get there,” I tell her.
She grins. “I have to say, I might like supportive Tai better than grumpy Tai.”
I roll my eyes and adjust my hands on the wheel. “Still the same Tai.”
She nods and sips her coffee, staring at the stars.
Hours pass by in small talk, though now that Daisy has calmed down and is less nervous around me, our conversations have become more thoughtful. I actually enjoy them, her views on society, the world, even politics.
Finally, the night sky begins to fade into a dark orange, the colors threading the horizon line, mixing together like a watercolor palette. Pinks and reds and purples form and change and blend, the clouds soaking in the saturation as the sun slowly rises.
“We have no idea how important this is,” I find myself whispering, my voice feeling rough and raw.
“The sunrise?” Daisy asks. She’s in awe as the colors change before our eyes.
I swallow the lump in my throat. “To see the dawn of the new days. Sometimes it feels like the world around us is collapsing. Sometimes it’s the world inside us. But the sun always rises. It always promises that we can start again. It’s the one thing we can count on when we can’t count on anything else.”
She sniffs. I realize I’m being a sap and it’s not like me.
But at this moment I don’t care.
“Atarangi,” I find myself saying, the word holding so much reverence.
“That’s the name of the boat,” she comments, looking back at me.
I nod.
It was my sister’s name, too.
“It means morning sky,” I tell her.
Eight
Daisy
Daisy’s Log: Day 2
I’m writing this from up-top, at the bow of the ship, the only place where I can find some privacy. It’s mid-day and though the breeze is fresh, the sun is soooo strong that I’m swaddled in a long-sleeve shirt, plus that Deschutes ball cap that I stole from the swag room back at work, trying to protect my skin.
I was hoping to find the space here to do some yoga, or my daily meditations at the very least, but the up and down of the boat through the water has been challenging for my positions. Twice I attempted a simple half-moon pose and was nearly pitched overboard.
I’m sure the boat wouldn’t stop to pick me up.
I thought we were making good progress last night.
Tai had cooked up this Korean stir-fry with loads of kimchi and it was freakin’ delicious. Everyone seemed in good spirits by the time cocktail hour came and we all sipped wine and watched the sunset on the horizon.
It was really nice! For a moment, I got so wrapped up in the excitement of what I’m doing—on a boat, traveling across the South Pacific to the tropical bliss of Fiji—that I forgot all the tension of earlier that day.
Then came bedtime. Lacey and Richard had first shift, so I went to bed at ten to try and get five hours of sleep before I had to get up. I felt bad that Tai had to sleep on the couch so I offered the bed to him, but naturally he refused.
Let me tell you, I could have slept forever. When that alarm went off in the middle of the night, it felt like pure torture getting up. So I didn’t. I turned off snooze and fell asleep for probably five minutes before Tai was shaking me awake.
Did I mention I was DROOLING?! Yes, Mr. Sexy Pants Pirate probably got a great view of that. Ugh. Anyway, I pulled on my joggers and a hoodie and joined him. I could already hear Richard snoring loudly from the rear cabin.
Tai had a Thermos full of hot coffee for us, so at least that was good, and the stars made up for it. I’ve never seen so many stars before. It was like looking at the universe for the first time and seeing ALL of it. It was pretty intense. It woke me up.
And you know what? We actually TALKED. Or I did. About Lacey, about life…about things I’ve never voiced to anyone, things I never voice to myself.
It felt so damn good, even though I was telling it to Tai of all people.
I guess I just trust him with my thoughts.
He at least was being supportive. Made me feel a little less alone, which is something I’m realizing I’ve felt my whole life. All the boyfriends and friends I surrounded myself with did nothing to stop me from feeling alone.
But hey, at least I’m recognizing that now.
Better late than never.
Or as Tai said, better to become than just be.
Then the sun came up. Just a hint of red at the horizon before it slowly rose and the new day began.
It was probably the prettiest sunrise I’ve ever seen.
Daisy’s Log: Day 3
It’s past bedtime but I’m awake. The ocean was rougher today and the boat is still doing this back-and-forth up-and-down thing, and it turns out that doesn’t rock you to sleep like a baby, instead it’s like someone attached said cradle to a rollercoaster.
I don’t like it.
It scares me. It makes me realize how far from anything we are.
I kept on looking at the GPS chart today and it’s just…there’s nothing out there.
NOTHING!
Just endless sea.
And there’s nothing going on in here. None of our phones work, we don’t have any internet, there’s the satellite phone but that’s only for emergencies.
Thank god I brought my Kindle and a few paperbacks, otherwise I would be bored as hell.