I've felt strong my entire life. But right now, all I feel is weak.
I slowly stand and try to calm my breathing.
I can't just leave. I have to tell him.
If he doesn't want this baby, I'll leave and never come back. But if he does...I pause my steps and lean against the wall. If he does, I don't know what I'll do. I can't stay. I doubt he'd ever leave his familia. As if they'd give him a choice. I close my eyes and shake my head as I walk to the bed, gripping the locket in my hand. I lie back and try to think of what my sister would do. I know what she'd do. She'd tell him she was pregnant. And she'd move on with her life, loving her child. She may have never seen herself as strong. But she was. She was so fucking strong for always doing the right thing and sticking to what she believed in.
“I need you.” My fingers slowly scroll over the locket's tiny engravings. “I need you right now.” I whisper my words in a pained voice as tears slowly roll down my cheeks.
Do the right thing. That's what she'd tell me. She'd smile. She'd make sure this baby was born into a life surrounded by nothing but love.
And I will, too. I won't settle for anything else. I wipe the tears away and get my shit together. I breathe in with a long inhalation, and breathe out just as long.
Holy fuck, I'm really pregnant. An hour ago I felt like I had nothing, and no one. And now, everything has changed.
Tonya
The walk up to Tommy's apartment is difficult. Every step toward him brings me closer to knowing whether or not he'll want me and this baby. My hand settles on my tummy as I get to the first landing and continue walking up the stairs. The outcome is most likely going to kill a piece of my soul. He can't be with me, and a man like him doesn't want to settle down with a baby. But it's the right thing to tell him. So I have to do this.
With my resolve firm, I brace myself to walk up to his door, but when I look up, my heart freezes in my chest. Vincent Valetti stares back at me with a look of contempt.
I push down all the emotions I'm feeling and school my face. My heart pounds in my chest with fear. I can't die now. Now when I have this life to protect.
“Officer Kelly.” Vince speaks with a hard voice and an even harder expression.
“Miss Kelly, now,” I respond without backing down from his stare. He may be the Don, and he can definitely hurt me, but I know better than to show weakness to men like him.
“Oh, I see. Did you think that'd make it alright for you to cuddle up to my men?” he asks.
The way he says it makes me want to knee this prick in his groin. I may not be in a committed relationship, but I'm not a whore. And what he's implying pisses me off.
“No, I didn't. And if my slut memory is correct, I've only been fucking Tommy, so you can shove that bullshit right back up your ass.”
He narrows his eyes and grinds his teeth. He's looking at me like he's not sure what to do with me. After a long moment of neither of us backing down he says, “I didn't mean to offend you.”
“Yes you did,” I'm quick to answer.
He grins at me with a twinkle of delight in his eyes and agrees, ”You're right. But I'm generally not fond of cops. Please accept my apology.”
My eyes finally break away from his and I feel like I can breathe. I nod and swallow thickly, looking at Tommy's door.
“You're here to see Tommy, then? You quit to be with him?” he asks.
I shake my head. “No, I quit because I never should have been a cop.”
“You don't think you have what it takes?” he assumes.
“No, I think I'd be a great cop if I had the determination for it. If I had the heart for it. But I don't. I joined for the wrong reason.”
“What reason is that?” He tilts his head as if he's sizing me up. He's going to judge me, just like everyone else. I don't give a fuck, though. They can all judge me if they like, but I'm not going to change for them.
“Because my sister was taken by Petrov. I wanted to find him; I wanted to kill him.”
“So you wanted to know about Petrov?” he asks, and I know exactly what he's thinking. He thinks I was trying to get information out of Tommy. He thinks that's why I was with him. That may have been the reason in the beginning, but that's not why I slept with him. And I hate that Vincent thinks that.
“Yeah,” I answer him, not willing to elaborate.
“And now you've quit?”
“Yes.” He looks at Tommy's door with a pissed-off look. He thinks Tommy told me. I can't let him think that. I don't want Tommy to get shit for it, and I won't have to lie anyway.
“He never told me. Even after we were together and everything happened between us. He never told me, but I think he's dead.” Between us. My walls go down and I have to work real fucking hard not to break down. Maybe it was one-sided, and I just imagined him feeling anything toward me.
“So you think he's dead, so you quit.” Although it's not a question, I know he's asking.
“No. I've had a hunch he's been dead for awhile now. I quit because I realized revenge wasn't the answer. There's always going to be someone to fight. I'm not the person to do it. I need to find another way.”
“Another way to do what?” he asks.
“To let go.” Tears prick at my eyes and I feel so fucking weak. I try to keep my composure and walk closer to Tommy's door. “I just need to tell him something.”
“What do you have to tell him? I'd be happy to relay the message.” He takes a step closer to me, and I instantly take a step back. I don't feel the same sense of security with him as I do with Tommy. I don't think I've ever felt that way about anyone before.
“Tell me,” he says, but I can't.
“I--I can’t.” I’ve never spoken to Vincent Valetti before today. And I have no idea what kind of man he is, or what all he knows about us.
“Is it about police matters, or personal?” he asks.
I stare at the door, not knowing how to answer that. I don't want Tommy to get hurt.
“That’s what I thought. You know that’s not smart, right? A cop, and a man like Tommy?” He shakes his head before continuing. “It's over now, isn't it?”
“I came to tell him something before I leave.” A part of me just wants to tell Vincent so I can leave and avoid the rejection I feel coming.
“Good. It’s a good thing you’re leaving. It’s for the best.”
I look back at him, not sure how to respond. It fucking hurts. All of this is really none of his goddamn business.
He presses his lips into a straight line and then he asks, “You tell anyone about this little arrangement you had with Tommy?”
“No. It’s over, so it doesn’t matter.” The words come out hard, but I stand my ground and maintain eye contact.
Vince rocks on his heels and looks to the left. “Good. So what do you have to tell him?”
“Something that’s none of your concern.” He narrows his eyes, but I don’t care.
“Tommy’s in a bit of hot water right now, sweetie, so you might want to be a little bit more forthcoming.” The way he says it makes my heart stop. I don't want Tommy to get hurt because of me. My mother's words ring in my head, it's all because of you.