But my mom was still struggling with the notion. “How will she study with a baby?”
“Mom, this is Riley we’re talking about. She’ll figure it out.”
Ryan held her hand, his grin ridiculous and as she dabbed at her eyes and nodded in agreement, which warmed me to the bottom of my heart. It was then that she seemed to realize how quiet my father had become. Mom looked over her shoulder to where he stood looking out of the window. “You have nothing you want to say to your daughter?”
Dad nodded, his focus still on the view outside that window. The fall weather had turned the cherry trees to green masses and the large oak trees that lined our street had the most beautiful stretch of red and gold leaves. I wondered then what my father thought of; was he disappointed in me? Did he worry what would be become of us? Of his first grandchild?
“Dad?” Still he made no answer. My stomach started to churn, and I was of half a mind to grab Isaac’s hand and high tail it out of there. I stood up and touched his fingers, pulled him into the adjoining dining room, away from my mother’s cries and my father’s stoic reflection.
“Isaac, I’m scared. Do you think we should go?”
I looked up at him, into those odd amber eyes and that beautiful smile. The damned fool that I loved was smiling. Then he reached down to touch my face.
“Riley...” he said, and he wasn’t faltering, but searching for the right words. “These are the bones I live in. They take me through this life good or bad. I can’t tell you what that’s like.” He dropped his hand from my face and I held my breath, not sure what he was trying to say. “You can’t know what it’s like, neither, just the same as me not knowing what it is to be you. We all have our burdens to carry and I don’t pretend like mine is any heavier than anyone else’s. I only know that from the first day I met you, you asked me to add weight to my burden. You wanted me to pretend that the world won’t do its damnedest to break us. You and me and now this baby. It’s gonna tear us to pieces.”
“Isaac… I don’t care what anyone else in the world thinks.”
He nodded, his fingers soft on my face, his smile still glowing. “That’s just it, Riley. It’s gonna tear us to pieces, but damn if I ain’t eager to catch each one of ‘em while they fall. I love you, Riley, something fierce. God help me, I do.”
Isaac leaned forward then, lifting my chin, and kissed me, soft, sweet, just long enough for any noise in the other room to go quiet. We looked into the den, realizing by how my mother’s sniffles had eased, how Ryan’s grin had gone all wide and stupid, that my family had heard everything Isaac said. He pulled me back into the den and I looked over at my father and noticed his nod, his hands now in his pockets. Through the window behind him, I could see the cherry blossom buds as they were blown from their branches, to swirl and scatter in the wind.
Finally, Dad cleared his throat, releasing a long exhale through his nose.
“The ACLU assigned Bernie Cohen a case about a mixed-race married couple in Virginia. Whispers are that it’ll end up in the Supreme Court. They’re hoping to make the ban on interracial marriages unconstitutional.” Dad scratched his chin, pressing his lips together as he kept his returned his attention outside of that window. “Cohen has a fine case and I have a feeling they’ll win.” He turned toward us, his expression still solemn. “But that won’t be for a while, well after my grandchild is born.”
“And now?” Isaac asked, his voice low, not sure of what Dad was driving at. To be honest, neither was I.
“Technically they’re called miscegenation laws," Dad said, “aimed at criminalizing marriage between races. A felony offense, pretty serious. They are common all through the South.” Dad turned and looked right at us, the ghost of a smile on his face. “But not in D.C.”
There was a cloud over my vision. My family came to my attention hazy, like they weren’t quite made of anything solid. It felt odd, this sensation of my body being so weak, so wrung out, my limbs like lead and all around me, in this strange place there were voices buzzing all around me that I couldn’t quite make out. Not really. I knew that in the corner, my parents were huddled together, my mother crying, sniffling as the doctor said things I couldn’t understand. Blood loss? Weak constitution? He couldn’t be talking about me. Ryan was there too. His face was drawn and his skin pale, but he was at my side, forcing a smile, as he looked down at me.
“Sis?” His voice was so soft and I thought it was funny somehow, my loud, obnoxious brother sounding small, awed.
Then, there came the smallest squeak of a sound and that cloudy haze drifted, left my breasts aching as that cry grew louder. A baby. My baby. I wanted to reach out for it, but I was too tired, my arms too heavy.
“Shh, hush now.” That deep, rich voice felt like warm water over my cold skin and I leaned toward it, loving the sweet cadence of Isaac’s voice. “Hush now, Winston.”
I remembered that name. It was like a song in the back of my mind, something that was sweet and gentle, something I wanted to keep inside me, right next to my heart. And just like that, it came back to me like a wave, rushing forward, that I had a husband I loved and a baby, a son that was the most perfect creature I’ve ever seen.
“Riley?” Isaac’s voice was deep, but soft, not a whisper but a brush against my subconscious. “See our son? You see what a beautiful baby we made?”
His voice cracked just then and behind me, in that fog, I heard my mother’s cries and the low call of my father soothing her. But my gaze was hungry for the baby, for the perfect shape of his round face and the smooth contours of his skin. Winston. Winston. My son.
“Riley?”
“I see,” I told Isaac, leaning toward his voice and the smell of baby powder and clean, sweet soap. “I see.” Even though I didn’t. Even though I’d never wanted anything more. That fog grew thicker then, so thick I couldn’t breathe. So thick there was nothing I could do but let it swallow me whole.
Twenty-Two
Nash
Breath and fire all mingled, shuttered and sparked like electricity in my chest. I couldn’t get air into my lungs, I couldn’t fight hard enough, grip tight enough to make her stay. No, she had to stay. There was a baby. Our baby. There was a life to lead. Our life. We were together and then… apart.
“No. No!”
The scent of baby powder clogged in my sinuses and I still felt the soft, heavy weight of a baby in my arms. I came awake, cradling nothing to my chest, my face wet, my breath uneven, a gasp that wrenched through with a sob. Tears I cried for my woman. Tears that came for someone I didn’t know. Had I ever known her?
Eyes tight, I saw all those faces. They looked familiar, like an echo of memory, something I knew was mine, but couldn’t get a grip on. My room was dark, but the light outside was bright, cracked through the blackout curtains around my windows. It was morning and I was alone. The sheets draped around my hips were wet and my chest felt damp. It had been a dream and like the others, it had felt so real. It had felt like it belonged to me.
Isaac loved Riley. I knew that. Felt it deep inside me. He’d loved her when she cried in the library with her lips busted and bloody. He loved each tear as they came and it was only her mouth, her touch that had kept him from finding that Trent asshole and ripping him to pieces. It was only Riley’s sweet words and sweeter taste that kept him from risking his neck to be with her. No matter that Lenny warned him. No matter that the world was set against them. Isaac had loved Riley with a fierceness that made him made it impossible to do more but keep on loving her. That scared him, that made him brave.