My breath catches in my throat, almost choking me, and a shard of dread shoots up my spine.
Maybe she’s not here to say what I thought she was.
“I also want to believe there’s a way to have people in my life while still being my own person, to be close to people without being so fucking scared they’re going to leave.” She stares down at the boards beneath our feet, her voice dropping lower, like she’s speaking to herself as much as me. “There is a way to have both those things.”
A family of tourists sidles up next to us and takes a few selfies. We stay silent as we wait for them to leave.
“Zach.” She looks back up at me. “My life is so much better with you in it. Everything is better with you. My life won’t fall apart without you. I needed to know that, and now I do, but I also know...”
She takes a few deep breaths, and when her eyes lock with mine, they’re blazing with more certainty that I’ve ever seen in her before.
“I know that you’re the first person I want to see when I wake up. You’re the person I want to have breakfast with in the morning. I want to look into my kitchen and see you making your peanut butter and pickle sandwiches. I want to bring you coffee when you’re working hard in your weird little closet-office. I want kissing you to be the first thing I do when I get home from the bar. I want to share every story with you, every joke, and every meme you will make fun of because you don’t understand that I’m better at memes than you are. I want you to hold me when I’m crying. I want to hug you when you’re sad. I want to wear your flannel shirts around the house and distract you until you bend me over the couch. I want to have so much sex, Zach.”
Her voice trembles, and she bites down on her bottom lip for a second. I don’t know how she can make me feel like tearing up and have me wanting her this bad all at the same time, but that’s part of the magic of DeeDee.
“Mostly, though, I...” She steps a little closer. “I want the chance to love you, Zach, if you will let me have it.”
I’m about to drop to my knees and tell her she can have anything she wants. I’m ready to declare that for the whole port to hear, but I stop myself.
There’s something I need to say first.
“DeeDee, I...” I take both her hands in mine. “You have no idea what it means to hear you say that. I want all those things too. More than I can say. I just...”
Her features tighten with pain. She closes her eyes and breathes deep like she’s bracing herself.
“It’s too late,” she states, like it’s a fact she has to accept.
“DeeDee, what? No!” I drop her hands and grip her upper arms instead. “It’s not too late at all. This is...We both needed this time, and I’m so glad you asked for it. It—Well, to be honest, it hurt like a bitch, but I know you needed to figure some stuff out, and I figured some stuff out too.”
“Oh?” Some of her hope returns.
“I want to do this more than I’ve wanted to do anything before, but I have to know we are doing this. The testing the waters thing...I just...This is so much more than that to me, and I can’t do that again. I need to set some limits before we do this. I need to tell you what I need, and right now, what I need is to know. I need to know...that...that...”
“Zach.”
She brings one of her hands up to cup my cheek. I close my eyes and let all the air whoosh out of my lungs before twisting to press my lips to her palm.
“Zach,” she murmurs, “I’m not testing the waters. You don’t have to worry or wonder, okay? I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Are you sure?” I look at her again, searching.
She grins, just a faint little smile like she’s nervous about letting herself be too happy just yet, but it’s open and honest and real.
“Excuse me!” She pulls away from me and climbs up onto the pier’s railing, shouting loud enough to turn heads. “Excusez-moi! I have an important message for everyone.”
“DeeDee!” I grab her hand to steady her as she wobbles on the rail. “You’re going to end up in the river.”
“Shhh!” She keeps hold of my hand and addresses the half dozen confused tourists who are paying attention to her. One of them is filming her on his phone. “Listen up, everyone. I have something to say. This man here, his name is Zach, and I would very much like to be his girlfriend. I would like for everyone in the world to know that he is mine and I am his. It took me a very long time to be ready for that, and I probably do not deserve another chance with him at all, but I am asking for it anyway. I will stand up in front of any crowd he wants and say this all again. Thank you for your time.”
She hops off the railing and curtsies. The tiny crowd blinks in confusion before going back to taking pictures of the Port.
“DeeDee...” I pull her in close to me again. “Did you mean that?”
She beams at me. “Every word. Hit me with your limits, because I’m ready for them. I have never been more sure of anything in my whole life, and I’ll tell you as many times as you need to hear it. I’ll prove it to you. I’m here, and I’m sure. You have my whole heart, Zach.”
I tuck her hair behind her ear as I stare into those brown eyes. “And you have mine.”
Twenty-Seven
Zach
LIQUEUR: a strong, sweet liquor
I can’t get her to my apartment fast enough. She wanted to take the metro, but I was calling us an Uber before we even got off the pier. I’m almost crawling out of my skin by the time we finally pull up outside my building.
Her hand on my thigh the whole way over was not helping.
I need her skin. I need her mouth. I need her body under mine. We’re past the point of words. I need to show her everything this moment means to me. I need us to be as close as we can possibly be, and I need it now.
“Zach!” She giggles and protests for a few seconds when I back her up against the wall in my building’s entryway, but when my hips meet hers, she sighs and melts into me.
It’s only once my thigh has slipped between her legs and she’s biting my neck that we both decide actually getting into my apartment might be a good idea.
I still stop to kiss her at the top of every flight of stairs.
“Is Paige home?” she pants, tugging on the hem of my shirt where she stands behind me as I struggle to get the damn door unlocked.
Her hands slip under the shirt and slide up my back. I groan and rest my forehead against the door.
“If she is, then she better get ready to leave. Fast. I’m not slowing down for anything.”
DeeDee lets out a breathless laugh just as I finally get the key to turn in the lock.
I pull her into the living room without stopping to take our shoes off. Paige’s door is cracked open a few inches, which means she’s definitely not home. I hardly give myself the time to notice as I scoop DeeDee up in my arms, bride over the threshold style, and carry her to my room before tossing her onto the bed.
Apparently I have an inner caveman. Thankfully, DeeDee looks thrilled about it.
She rolls onto her back and props herself up on her elbows, bare legs stretched out in front of her. I kneel at the edge of the bed.