Did he say dean? Bean? Dean, like a friend named Dean?
Someone laughs, another giggles—the sound pitched and breathy. “Can you believe he had sex in his office? That has to be against the rules, right? Does that mean we get, like, a vacation or something?”
My attention sweeps to Pax, my stomach falling to my knees. My brother’s poker face is as weak as my right cross, meaning it doesn’t exist. “Pax? What’s going on?”
He shakes his head, pursing his lips. “There’s a video going ‘round. A video of Dad…”
My stomach falls, taking my heart with it. “A video? Who’s seen it?”
Pax shakes his head again, this time faster. “Everyone?”
“What?” I glance at Poppy, seeking clarification, but her mouth is slack, her face pale. She’s as shocked as me. “We have to go check on Mom.” Guilt licks at my skin like a wave, cold and unforgiving as it pulls me deeper into its tide. If I had told Mom … if I had told Paxton, would this have still happened? Maybe. But at least they wouldn’t have been blindsided by it.
I feel numb as I follow to Lincoln’s truck. I climb into the backseat without another objection, my childhood and innocence in this situation still back at the party as I glimpse at the video of my dad receiving oral sex from a stranger on Poppy’s phone. Pax warned me not to look. I should have listened. It will be a struggle to look him in the eye ever again.
“I thought we were going home?” I cry when we pull into Paxton’s driveway.
“I already texted Mom, and she didn’t respond. It’s after midnight. I’m sure she’s asleep. Sleep this off, and we’ll go over tomorrow.”
Poppy takes my hand, sensing my anger. Maybe she can feel my body temperature rising. Perhaps it’s because I jackknifed from the seat and am nearly through the middle console, ready to take this to the mat with him. Her grasp is warm and firm, tethering me in place. “I think he’s right. If you guys go in there guns a blazing, it’s just going to make it worse. I’ll go with you tomorrow. I can help in any way, but once the sun is up, your thoughts will be clearer.”
Maggie has always been reactive. Emotional is the term my parents use. Paxton is laid-back and calm. I can be found somewhere in the middle of the vast void that separates the two, sometimes closer to my sister, and other times closer to my brother, but right now I am channeling Maggie though I’m trying my hardest to be cool like Pax. It causes irrational tears from frustration at myself and the situation to blur my eyes.
“Okay,” I concede, my throat tight. Poppy looks at me and nods, like she’s agreeing with me or possibly agrees with my sudden sense. Whatever the intention, it sits heavily in my stomach as I follow the others out of the car.
Paxton’s place is an old seventies house that has had few remodels. The benefit to the house is all the rooms are large, which is why they chose it—that and cheaper rent since they’re fifteen minutes in the opposite direction of the party houses on campus. Even the outside screams of the seventies with the ivory paint and light green trim, a shingled roof, and an enormous picture window in the front. But, as close as Pax and I are, this place is still relatively foreign to me. Maybe if Lincoln didn’t live here, it wouldn’t feel so strange to stop by, but with him here, I seem to have overthought each reason, and they’ve always felt like excuses, keeping my visits minimal.
Caleb looks up as we come inside. Headphones tangled in his curly, red hair, the kind with a little mouthpiece, a gaming controller in his hand—it’s how I always mentally picture him. “Hey!” he lowers the controller, looking over us before stopping at Pax, his eyebrows lowered. “What’s goin’ on?”
“Our dad’s having an affair.”
I thought it would be harder to say.
It wasn’t.
20
Lincoln
I learned as a kid that when you think shit is bad, it can always get worse, and today has been a reminder of this testament.
The day began with waking up to Raegan in my kitchen. Her eyes swollen and her cheeks red. I knew she’d been crying, but our tempestuous relationship hadn’t taught me anything regarding how to navigate emotions and feelings like these, which made me feel like an even bigger asshole.
“Do you want to get some breakfast?” I asked.
She looked at me then, and I saw it. I saw the look of hope in her gaze that left me paralyzed for a full minute as I scrambled to decipher what that hope represented. It was a moment too long because she stood and walked over to the coffeepot, her back to me like I hadn’t spoken.
“Rae,” her name sounded like a plea, and even knowing that I didn’t try to change the meaning by adding additional unnecessary words.
“I saw you last night.” Her words were cut and dry, clearly not looking for an excuse or reason.
This conversation was likely doomed from the start. I knew she wasn’t the kind of girl to accept a smile as a promise or an orgasm as an apology. I knew that, Arlo reminded me of the fact. Still, I found that girl last night who wasn’t looking to know my past or my future, only a good time, and the ease of it all felt so damn good, I ignored every doubt and question that was ricocheting against my need for independence, and I kissed her.
I could’ve told Raegan that the other girl meant nothing or tried explaining how I’d drunk three beers in a matter of minutes, so I didn’t follow her. Instead, I chose defense. “From my view, it didn’t look like you had any reason to care.”
I saw it then, the look of resistance, the one that said she didn’t want to believe me. But in seconds, it was gone, replaced by disappointment and disgust as her nose scrunched, and her eyes turned hard.
Before I could grapple for words or a second opportunity to start the morning over again, Pax appeared.
“I just spoke with Mom,” he said, rubbing his thumb and forefingers over his eyes. I’d never seen my friend look so torn down.
Raegan turned to fully face him, her eyes scouring each detail of Pax, reading him like a map. “What happened?”
“She said she was sorry, but she needed to get away. Hell, I don’t blame her. I have no idea how long this has been going on or if he’s going to lose his job, or what this might do to her?” He rubs a hand down his face. “She was at the airport, boarding a flight to go stay with Aunt Kayla in New York for a little while.”
Raegan remained standing in place, but it was clear her thoughts were in a million places all at once.
“You can stay with me,” Poppy said from behind Pax, where she was hovering by the doorway, unbeknownst to the rest of us. “I’ll talk to my mom.”
Raegan shook her head, her gaze static. “No. It’s okay.”
“You can crash here,” Pax offered. “My room is yours for as long as you want it.”
Arlo stepped into the kitchen then, his eyes round and his face long. Aside from the field, it was the quietest I’d ever seen him. “What can I do?” His gaze skipped across each of us like a stone thrown into the river, landing on Rae. She quickly looked away.
My chest ached, knowing she was trying to keep it all together, and that I contributed to her undoing.