“As I mentioned before, men can only see your basic info and summary, along with a thumbnail of your photo. They can’t see the entire profile until you approve them. In which case you’ll probably have some requests wanting to see more.”
“But not eighteen . . .”
Reid ignores me and sure enough, an alert pops up signaling that I have unread messages. I’m surprised by the rush the little red bubble brings. “I have twelve requests pending.”
Reid’s brows climb up his forehead, impressed. “Not bad, Mills. Ed had four.”
“You’re comparing me to Ed now? Wait, what profile pic did he use? Did he use the one of him in the bathrobe doing the Captain Morgan pose?”
Ed, who wanted to wear an Animal House toga for his faculty photo.
“Yes.”
“And you’re surprised I have more than him? Reid. Come on.”
“I’m saying that with such limited information and only a thumbnail to see your pretty face, twelve isn’t bad.”
“What profile picture did you use?” I ask. “Were you wearing the FBI shirt?” I let out a short bursting cackle. I will never get over Reid having to borrow a shirt from Alex’s trunk when his own disappeared from the beach, and all Alex had was one that said FBI: Female Body Inspector. We went right out for drinks that night, and, oh boy, Reid got some shit.
“Sadly, Ed spilled red wine on that one. I won’t be able to wear it again.”
“Well, that solves the problem of future commentary.”
He leans forward, redirecting my attention to my screen. “The little percentage in the blue bubble at the top of the request shows—”
“Our compatibility, I know, I know. Seriously, how do you think I feed and bathe myself every day?”
“Just read through them and see who you want to share with.”
With an odd mixture of dread and anticipation, I open the first message, wincing a little at the photo. I don’t want to seem completely superficial, so I don’t comment on the backward baseball cap or puka shell necklace, and start to read.
“ ‘I might be the man your looking for. I’ve been a plumber for fifteen years and know a thing or two about cleaning pipes ;) I like to spend my weekends on the lake or at the barbecue, and am looking for a special lady to stand at my side. If you think your up to the challenge, drop me a line. I just might bite.’ ”
My eye roll must be audible because Reid looks up with a questioning glance.
“There’s just so much here,” I say. “Where do I even begin? ‘Cleaning pipes’?”
“Virility is a sign of health.”
“He wants someone to stand by him at the barbecue.”
“I think that’s kind of sweet—Don’t look at me like that.”
“Reid, he misspelled ‘you’re.’ ”
“You’re always typing ‘tit’ instead of ‘it.’ It could have been an accident.”
“Twice?”
“Okay,” he says. “Let’s look at the next one.”
“‘My name is Greg and I’m thirty-two. I’m a structural engineer because I live to figure things out. They say travel is good for the soul, and I firmly believe that. I studied abroad during college, and consider myself lucky enough to have seen the Eiffel Tower, Big Ben, the Colosseum, the Scottish Highlands, and the Parthenon all before I graduated. If you think you could be my next adventure, I’d love to hear from you.’”
This sounds too good to be true and so I pull up his photo. He’s . . . wow, not terrible. Blond hair, tan, and leaning against a surfboard in the sand. I turn the phone to face Reid.
He leans in for a closer look. “Hmmm. He might—” He stops; his eyes narrow. “Is that a ring?”
“What?” I turn the phone back and zoom in. There’s definitely something there. “Could it be a shadow?”
“I mean . . . it’s gold.”
I look again and he’s right; there’s a gold band on his ring finger.
“Maybe it’s an old picture?” Reid says. “Does he say he’s divorced?”
It takes a second to get back to his profile. Under relationship status, it says single. Under previously married it says never.
“Please tell me a person couldn’t possibly be that stupid,” I say. “Or gross. Why don’t I expect people to be liars more often? I study criminology, for Christ’s sake.”
Disappointed, Reid holds out his hand. “Let me see your phone.”
I slide it across the desk and let the full skepticism about this endeavor take root again. “I’m not one to say I told you so, but . . .”
He opens the next message. “Okay, this guy . . .” He stops, a scowl shaping his face. “Never mind.”
“What?”
“He just . . . He had the word ‘tits’ in his bio, and I don’t think it was your charming typo.”
I wrinkle my nose.
“No, no. Let’s keep going, they can’t all be that bad.” He opens one, and then another, and with each message his smile wilts further.
“I think this guy might be Dustin.”
I groan. “Please tell me you’re kidding.”
“I’m kidding?” he says, and looks up at me.
He is clearly not kidding.
“That’s depressing,” I tell him. “How much faith can I put in an app that matches me with my ex? Good lord.”
“I mean, maybe that means it’s good?” Reid tries to be optimistic. “At one point you and Dustin—oh. God. This next guy has his penis as his profile picture. His actual penis. I mean, I hope it’s his.”
“Reid, you are too pure for this world.” I take back my phone and go through the rest. One message simply says Hey. One assures me his dick is huge; one wants a full-body photo before he’ll request access to my profile; and two want to know how much I weigh.
“This is it?” I wave my phone. “You got a French-speaking scuba diver and I got this? These are the kind of guys I matched with?”
There’s a quick knock at the door before Ed is pushing it open.
“Here’s the most recent FACS data,” he says, and drops a few pages with scatterplots on Reid’s desk. There are three strips of duct tape holding Ed’s lab coat together, but I don’t even bother to ask.
He considers the way I’m slumped in the chair, arms folded across my chest, and takes a bite of an apple he’s pulled out of his lab coat pocket. I’m not even a scientist and I know that’s disgusting.
“Hey there, sunshine.”
I let out a growl.
He nods in Reid’s direction. “Loverboy showing you his matches?”
I swing my eyes over to Reid. “He did.”
Another noisy bite of apple, and Ed pulls out the chair next to me. “What about you?” He points to my phone.
“She has twelve,” Reid answers for me.
Ed’s eyes brighten. “Oh yeah? Any good?”
I open my mouth and then close it again. There’s no great way to answer that.
“She got a bunch of weirdos,” Reid explains for me.
Ed takes my phone and begins to scroll. “Maybe if you didn’t mention you were into serial killers.”