“Maybe I wanted a new start, Momma. Go to a place where people don’t see me as Southside trash.”
“Oh, Stone. People will always see you in the way they want, and there isn’t anything you can do about it. A new location won’t change that. You can move to the other side of the world, and people will still have their opinions and prejudices. Your daddy and I raised you to be stronger than that. Or at least I thought we did.”
“You did, Momma. I don’t care what anybody thinks of me.”
“If that’s true, then what’s all this talk about a new start in a different city?”
“I just wanted a better life, Momma. Can’t you understand that?” I spew in frustration, only to have my mother’s eyes soften.
“Asheville is your home, baby. You want a better life? Then work to get one right here in your home town. Dreams are nothing if you don’t work hard to achieve them. You know that, as well as I do. But the wonderful thing about a dream is that it can change, adapt, and grow into something even more spectacular than you thought. I think it’s a blessing in disguise that you didn’t get that job. This way, you can carve out your future right here, where your talents will make the most difference.”
My eyes lower to my feet on the pedals, my mother’s words sinking in, despite my reluctance to accept them.
“Or do you think New York is the only place you can do some good in the world?”
“I didn’t say that,” I grumble.
“No, you didn’t, but your refusal to stay says as much. Look at your father’s situation, baby. How many men and women, right here in Asheville, have been condemned for a crime they haven’t committed, just because of their poor circumstances? You want to be the force of change? Then start by cleaning up the mess in your own backyard. Asheville needs you, Stone. Just as much as I do,” she insists passionately, her eyes filled with love and admiration for the hopes of what I can accomplish in the future.
My throat starts to clog with emotion as I lean in to hug my mother. She’s a fragile woman whose hidden strength and belief in me have never wavered, even when fighting her own demons and battles.
“I love you, Momma. You know that, don’t know?” I whisper in her ear, hugging her tightly.
She lets out a melodic giggle, her joyful tears falling down her face.
“I do, sweet girl,” she murmurs, running her fingers through my hair. She then pulls me away, her smile still ten feet wide—even though her cheeks are stained with tears—and asks, “Now, are you going to wallow in what could have been? Or are you going to fight to achieve your goals, regardless of this little mishap?”
“Fight. Like I always do.”
“That’s my girl,” she hushes, palming my face in her hands, leaning in to place a tender kiss on each cheek.
I give her one more hug and then turn to start the engine, but my mother halts me, yet again, by placing her hand on my shoulder and says, “Stone, just one more thing. And this is important.”
“Okay,” I reply, confused as to what more she has to say.
“Whatever that boy did to you, he’s trying to make amends. Don’t let your heart grow cold when love is begging to be let in. Believe me when I tell you, life is too short to hold on to resentments. Take it from a woman who has lived most of her life clinging to her memories of love because the real thing was too far from her grasp.”
“I never said I loved him.”
“You didn’t need to. It’s written all over your face. Only love can hurt so much. I should know. It’s like looking in a mirror.”
“That’s different. Daddy never hurt you intentionally.”
“Oh, baby girl. Does it matter if it was intentional or not? Pain is pain. It’s finding the strength to forgive and allowing yourself to be happy that is challenging.”
“Are you done, Momma? I really have to get back to the dorm and study,” I lie, not wanting to talk about Finn any longer.
She finally lets me start the damn car and take her home, all the while letting me stew in my seat with her nuggets of heartfelt wisdom. She might be right on some accounts, but not all. Changing the vision I had for my future might not be that far-fetched, but forgiving Finn is something my mind won’t allow, even if my heart begs me to.
I thrash from one side of the bed to the other, unable to get a wink of sleep. Since I took my mother to her doctor’s appointment last Thursday, I’ve been more agitated than ever. Somehow, her words seeped into my subconscious, tormenting me even in my dreams.
The minute my weary heart and exhausted body allow sleep to take over, not only do I dream of stars just out of my reach, but also of a warm body hugging me to his side, begging me to love him. Knowing this is the misery that awaits me in my slumber, my brain wrestles with exhaustion, doing everything in its power to keep me awake. My bed has become a battle zone, the duvet and sheets all entwined at my feet, as I roll from one position to another, ordering my restless spirit to give me a moment’s peace.
To my mind’s dismay, the only comfort I find solace in is the pillow that still holds Finn’s lingering, woodsy scent. I’ve vowed to wash the pillowcase a thousand times or throw it away for good, yet I’ve never had the courage to part with it. I inhale sharply, hoping its scent can soothe my aching heart, but all it does is remind me that, sooner or later, even this small piece of him will fade, leaving me with nothing.
I hate him. I hate him so much.
Why would he do this to me?
To us?
I’m still wallowing in my grief when my phone starts vibrating madly on the desk beside me. I reach my arm over to pick it up, answering without even looking at the screen to see who is calling me so early on a Sunday morning.
“Hello?”
“Good morning, Stone. So happy I caught you. It’s Charlene,” Finn’s mom announces with a jovial disposition.
My back instantly lifts off the bed, thinking I must be hallucinating from my lack of sleep.
“Mrs. Walker?” I choke out, unable to prevent the perplexed tone in my voice from coming through.
“Yes, dear. I was wondering if we could do our brunch today. Say, around eleven at Magnolia?”
“I, uh… actually, it’s not a good time for me right now.”
“I’m sure you can spare an hour or two from your busy schedule to meet me. I look forward to spending some time with you, dear. See you there, Stone. Goodbye,” she says before hanging up the phone, not allowing me to get a word in edgewise.
I throw the phone on my duvet and slump back down onto the bed, my arms covering my eyes.
Great!
Now I have a date with Finn’s mom for brunch of all things. I’ve been doing everything in my power to forget and move on, avoiding all things Finn, but apparently, Mrs. Walker didn’t get the memo.
Fuck my life!
At least her son has taken the hint. For the past two weeks, Finn has stayed clear of me. He hasn’t come by Big Jim’s, nor has he come to my side of campus to see me. Just as suddenly as he disrupted my life with his imposing presence and stalkerish ways, he disappeared with a snap of a finger. He pulled a total Houdini on me. But then again, isn’t that what I wanted? For him to stay away and leave me to pick up the pieces of the shattered life he left behind?