“Trust me, I’ll be doing some homework.”
Erin waved a hand. “Don’t look back, Amanda. We can’t change past mistakes, so let’s deal with the facts and move forward.”
That MO did not surprise me, nor did it persuade me. I never charged ahead without first understanding how I’d arrived at where I was.
“Did you file for divorce?” she asked.
I rubbed my forehead. “I know I should, but I’m paralyzed. He’s taken most of our money. I don’t have a full-time job or health insurance—and I’m about to give birth. I don’t even control my home, because we’re both on the deed. How will I raise this baby now? I’m ill-equipped, and for the first time in my life, I’ve got no options.”
“You have options. Your old boss loves you. Start subbing, and sooner or later you’ll get rehired. Mom and I will help with the baby. Kev will help you with the legal stuff . . .”
Her matter-of-fact delivery made it all sound easy, but she’d ignored my emotionally crippled state. The code I’d believed in—the golden rule I’d lived by—had failed me. Without that life road map, I couldn’t navigate ahead. “Lyle strung me along these past weeks. I’m mortified by the hours I’ve wasted thinking about how to forgive him. And just when I was feeling a little stronger, the full depth of his deception has knocked me down again.” I looked at the ceiling, blinking to stave off fresh tears, thinking it a miracle my body could still produce them. “I don’t know how you live on the edge of constant uncertainty without getting an ulcer.”
Erin snorted. “Gee, thanks. As backhanded compliments go, I suppose that wasn’t the worst.”
I reached for her hand and then released it. “I didn’t mean to insult you. Sorry. My brain is fried today.”
“Fix it, because we need to call Kevin. I know you wanted to wait for info from Dr. Blount before we filled him in, but that could take days. At least make him happier by giving him the green light on preparing divorce papers.”
I hung my head. Lyle was sailing around with Ebba, sipping wine and laughing at me, while my sister and I sat in a medical-center lobby worrying about our mother, who was falling apart because of that man. “I know my marriage is over, but it’s hard to admit to failure.”
“Take it from me, it gets easier with practice.” Erin smiled, joking to make me feel better. “You didn’t fail. He did, and somehow we will make him pay for it.”
A new knot tightened in my chest. Vengeance had never before been part of my vernacular, but loathing born of humiliation was premium fuel for that kind of bloodlust. The hatred in my heart scared me. “I’ll tell Kevin to file the papers.”
Something in my expression must’ve cued Erin in to my thoughts. “How about we start by torching all Lyle’s stuff?”
“I need to sell it to help pay the bills.” I rubbed my stomach because connecting with Willa reminded me of my one remaining spot of joy.
“Ever practical. This is why you’re the smart one with options.” Erin set her chin on her fists. “You know if I had more money, I’d help you.”
I could hardly meet her gaze. We’d probably relied on each other more these past weeks than during the past ten years. Not for the first time, I promised myself it wouldn’t take tragedies to push me to do better. “Thank you.”
“Kevin could probably lend you some money until you can sell your house.”
I shook my head. “Proving ‘spousal abandonment’ won’t be quick. The bank will foreclose before I jump through all the legal hoops to sell the house without Lyle’s consent. My best chance to avoid bankruptcy is to negotiate with Lyle to cosign a listing agreement as part of a deal to keep Mom from filing charges.”
“Back to illegal deals?” Erin shook her head, all camaraderie fading. “Normally, I’d applaud any decision that went against your lifetime of rule following, but not this.”
“Please let’s not argue. You know I’d never consider it if any other option would restore Mom’s finances and protect Willa’s future. Honestly, it’s more like a plea bargain than a crime. Once the cops get involved, Lyle could enter into a deal for lesser charges or even somehow escape conviction. Either way, the assets seized will sit and lose value. I’ll lose the equity in my house and still have to deal with him on custody issues. The rumors might even make it hard for me to get a job in this school district. Isn’t his freedom a small price to pay for closure on those other things? Everyone wins.”
“Everyone including the asswipe with the ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card.” Erin slouched low in her seat, her brows pulled together.
“I can’t indulge my ego when I’ve got to look out for Mom and Willa. The truth is, there aren’t any clear-cut answers.”
Erin guzzled the rest of her seltzer before crumpling the can in her hands. “I know how much you hate that.”
“Who doesn’t?”
“The lawyers . . . They live for that shit.” Erin chuckled. I shouldn’t have laughed with her, but joking did provide a little relief. “So let’s talk about this Nancy Thompson business. Are you up for doing that with Mom? Because I’m not.”
“Of all of us, I’d expect you to be the most open to it.”
Erin shot me a deadpan expression. “Why? Because I like yoga?”
“Sort of?” I wrinkled my nose. But that wasn’t the truth. “You were especially close to Dad. I would’ve thought you’d jump at a chance to hear from him if possible.”
“Key words—‘if possible.’”
She didn’t deny their special connection, and I appreciated that honesty even though it still stung. We both knew which of us was each parent’s pet. The difference was that she didn’t yearn to be equal in Mom’s eyes, while I’d always resented the way Erin had taken my place with my dad, even if it hadn’t been her intention. After all, she hadn’t asked to be born. Had she and I been closer, maybe her relationship with Dad wouldn’t have smarted. I don’t know, and never will. In any case, I was a little curious about Nancy. “You still don’t believe, even after what happened with your friend?”
“That made it worse. Nancy knows Mom will believe anything she tells us now.” Erin twirled her can round and round, staring at it with a scowl. “I can’t explain this morning’s ‘message,’ but it’s too convenient, right? We’re to accept that Eli’s wife’s spirit passed a message to Nancy at the precise moment Eli walked by? I mean, magic is awesome, but people aren’t actually cut in half in a box and put back together. Unless Dad comes over a speakerphone or whispers in my ear, I’m not interested in what Nancy’s selling.”
Her topsy-turvy thought process revealed a weird logic, but with the anniversary of Dad’s death on the horizon, and everything in our lives in limbo, the part of me that respected my father’s advice was willing to roll the dice. Then again, Eli hadn’t enjoyed receiving his message.
We’d spent enough time talking about me. I wanted to change the subject. “Mom never explained why Eli was there in the first place.”