“No,” I whispered to myself. The man had broken into my house, gone through my things, and then proceeded to make me question everything I’d ever known about myself with one kiss.
One soul-wrenching, heartbreakingly perfect kiss.
“Are you done with that one?” Elliot asked from behind me. I was so caught off guard, I dropped the plate in the sink. Fortunately, it didn’t break.
“Fuck,” I muttered. When the hell would I stop being so jumpy?
“Sorry,” Elliot said softly as he appeared at my side.
I shook my head. “No, it’s fine,” I responded. “Just tired.”
Elliot reached for the plate and rinsed it off. “Why don’t you go to bed and I’ll sit with Ryan in case he wakes up?”
I glanced at him. “No, no, go on home and wait for your man.”
“It’s not a problem,” Elliot said. “I’ll see him tomorrow.”
I sighed and took the plate from him, along with the towel he was using to dry it. “Go be with your man, son. I’m going to take a shower and go to bed myself. Ryan and I will be fine.”
“Dad,” Elliot began, but he fell silent as soon as I put my arms around him.
“Enjoy every moment you can with him, El,” I whispered. While I never wanted Elliot to obsess over the possibility of losing his soulmate like I’d lost mine, I also knew what it was like to wish you had just one more moment with them.
“Are you sure you’re all right?” Elliot asked, the worry clear in his voice.
I hated lying to my kid, but I slotted my response under the white lie category and said, “Yes.”
Elliot sighed and returned my hug with gusto, then pulled away and grabbed his keys off the counter. His excitement warmed my heart. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” he said. “But if you need me to come back tonight—”
“Go,” I said before flicking my towel at him. Elliot had his phone to his ear before he even got out of the kitchen.
“I’ll meet you at my place,” he murmured and then he was too far away to hear. It wasn’t until my son was out the door that the familiar, heavy weight of grief settled back on my shoulders. These were the moments I most often wished Mac could have lived to see.
It took only a few minutes to put away the remaining dinner dishes, after which I went to Ryan’s room to check on him. Unlike the past two nights, Ryan looked completely at peace as he slept. His favorite stuffed animal, a zebra I’d bought him at the airport in Bulgaria while we’d been waiting for our flight to board, was tucked in his folded arms.
The memory of the moment I’d met my son in the orphanage had me leaning against the doorframe. I’d never thought it possible to love another human being as much as I loved Elliot, but Ryan had proven me wrong the instant he’d looked at me from the too-small crib the home’s staff had cruelly kept the little boy in to limit his movement.
I moved into the room and leaned over Ryan so I could place a gentle kiss on his forehead. Fortunately, the move didn’t wake him up, so I quietly left his room and hurried to my own so I could sneak in a quick shower. Although I had a camera set up in his room so I’d be able to see or hear if he needed me, I knew I wouldn’t be able to hear it while I was showering, so I didn’t bother pulling the app up on my phone. Instead, I undressed in record time and flew through the act of showering. As I pulled on my PJs, I eyed my bathtub longingly.
I knew I was being ridiculous, but it wasn’t the baths that I missed so much as it was the normalcy they represented. It had taken me a lot of years to find a sense of peace in my life that I hadn’t really even realized was absent, but now that it was gone, I was filled with regret that it had taken me so long to recognize it.
I shoved the thought away because if I’d learned anything, it was that life was too short for regrets.
I left the bathroom and made my way back to Ryan’s room to check on him one more time and to triple-check the house yet again to make sure it was locked up tight. I was tempted to try and sleep in the armchair in Ryan’s room but it was a habit I just shouldn’t start. If I wanted Ryan to feel safe in our home, I needed to prove I felt that way too.
Even if I didn’t.
I slowed my steps as I neared Ryan’s room so I wouldn’t inadvertently wake him up. I wasn’t wearing shoes but many of the floorboards beneath my feet were prone to creaking. I’d learned that in the early days when I’d brought Ryan home. Thankfully, he was now a much heavier sleeper, the past week’s events notwithstanding.
I was so focused on watching where I stepped that I didn’t see the looming figure standing at the foot of my son’s bed at first. When I did, I let out a shout of fear and leapt forward. I recognized Matias a split second before I barreled into him.
His arms came up to grab mine as I practically fell into him.
The relief was instantaneous, but my adrenaline was still off the charts. “What the—”
Matias covered my mouth with his hand. “You’ll wake him,” he said.
Was he joking? I’d wake my kid? That was the problem he saw with all of this?
I was about to tell him as much when his eyes met mine and something incendiary flashed between us. Just like that, my body got over the scare and used the adrenaline in my bloodstream to energize a completely different part of my body.
God, not again, I moaned silently to myself. I yanked myself free of Matias’s hold and opened my mouth to lay into the man when Ryan’s soft little snore caught my attention. I glanced at my son, then at Matias before jabbing my finger in the direction of the door.
When Matias reached me, I said in a hushed but what I hoped was stern whisper, “What the hell are you doing here?”
Matias actually stepped closer to me. My back hit the doorjamb when I stepped back. I wasn’t technically trapped because Matias wasn’t touching me, but he might as well have chained me to the wall. I swallowed hard as he braced his arm on the wood just above my head. I swore that he leaned in a little and inhaled deeply.
Even if I was imagining that part, my dick most certainly didn’t care.
“Matias,” I reminded him in my best I’m-a-mature-father-of-two voice. It still came out sounding like a squeak.
“He dropped his toy.”
“What?” I asked. Did I sound as breathless as I felt?
“Your kid dropped his toy. The zebra thing.”
“ZeeBee?” I asked as I looked in the direction of Ryan’s bed. The stuffed zebra was still in his arms but not in the same position it’d been in when I’d kissed him good night. Had Matias actually returned the stuffed animal to Ryan’s arms? “You put it back?” I asked in disbelief.
“He was upset.”
When he didn’t expound on that statement, I said, “Jesus, Matias, you probably scared him half to death! He won’t remember you from the other night—”
Something in Matias’s expression went dangerously hard and forbidding, causing me to cut off my words abruptly. But he didn’t reach for me or lash out in any kind of way. Instead, he straightened and put several feet of space between us. I was left both oddly forlorn and completely confused.
“He wasn’t awake,” Matias answered, then he turned and walked away.