‘Alice!’ Joshua greeted her, before turning to me. His eyes darted to my ripped jeans, more relaxed than yesterday’s outfit, up to my oversized blouse. ‘We’ve saved you both some food.’ He looked from Alice back to me. Oh crap. I bent down to prise off my shoes.
‘Oh, you can leave them on,’ Joshua said.
You’d have to pay me, Joshua.
Ouch, ouch, ouch. Shoes now off and now my true five-foot three, I walked meekly into the busy kitchenette. Sam clocked my arrival immediately, leaving Jamie’s side to greet me.
‘You’re here.’ He handed me a glass of wine – my favourite again. ‘I’m glad you are,’ he added. At the dinner? In Sydney? I unglued my eyes from Sam’s intensity just long enough to see Jamie nodding her welcome from a distance.
‘Want some food with that?’ Sam asked. He’d changed out of his suit and was now the picture of comfort in his statement white T and blue jeans. I took a sip of wine, savouring the smell, swirling it around my mouth, my eyes closing just a little. Sam’s laugh broke its spell. ‘You never did look at me the way you looked at wine.’ He laughed again. We both knew that was a lie. My eyes darted towards Jamie, behind her to Joshua. Sam needed to keep his voice down if he didn’t want me kicked out in two seconds flat. Ex-girlfriends in box rooms was surely not the done thing in these circles. In any circles really.
‘Food, Jess?’ Sam asked again.
‘I’m still stuffed from brunch,’ I said.
‘Great, wasn’t it?’ The food or the company?
‘It really was,’ I whispered into my wine.
Jamie appeared by Sam’s side, bringing me back to reality. ‘Hey.’ She beamed, hooking her arm under Sam’s. He smiled across at her, her hair now loose, her spray-on jeans replaced by a bohemian sundress, midnight blue. ‘How was CreateSpace?’
‘It was good actually,’ I said, revelling in the truth for as long as I could.
‘Great!’ She smiled again, stroking his arm back and forth, back and forth. ‘I can’t thank you enough for using your spare time like that,’ Jamie went on as my stomach sank; spare time, spare bedrooms, always the spare something. ‘Let me introduce you to some people, Jess,’ she offered, unhooking herself from Sam to place a cold hand on my shoulder. Clutching my wine, I followed Jamie over to the sofas. There were about seven or eight people gathered there, some sitting on dining chairs pulled over from the table and others sitting on the floor with their backs against the legs of those lucky enough to get a seat on the couch.
‘Guys, this is Jess,’ Jamie addressed the room. ‘Sam’s friend from the UK.’ I felt all eyes on me, as if my status as an ex was about to be outed. In quick succession, I was introduced to the smiling faces around the room.
‘Mark.’ A tall, dark-haired guy extended a hand out towards me before offering me his seat on the sofa. ‘And this is my partner, Andrew,’ he said, before nudging Andrew to surrender his place.
‘Oh no, you really shouldn’t,’ I began, before Andrew obediently followed Mark to sit on the floor.
‘I do as I’m told.’ Andrew rolled his eyes as everyone laughed. Joshua and Alice filled their spaces.
‘Hey!’ Mark laughed at them, pretending to be annoyed. ‘That was for our guest!’ I know he was trying to be nice, but calling me a guest only made me feel more like an outsider.
‘On your feet, lose your seat,’ Alice laughed, winking in my direction; was she trying to be my friend?
‘Hey, there’s still room for a little one!’ Joshua objected, nodding to the too-small space between him and the arm of the sofa. He forced himself even further towards Alice until their tanned arms blended into one. I wasn’t sure I believed in God, but it was fair to say these creatures were blessed.
‘Joshua,’ he joked, leaning back slightly to offer a hand in my direction even though he could barely extend his arm. His face was inches from my own; I was practically sitting on top of him.
‘Jess,’ I said in response, laughing.
‘You look nice.’ He nodded down at my almost sheer blouse whilst I tried to cover my bra. I glanced over to where Alice was busy chatting to Jamie. Not in comparison to them, I don’t. Turning back to Joshua, I took a good look at him in return. Hipster beard drawing attention to sky-blue eyes, floppy hair pushed to one side.
‘Thanks.’ I shrugged, looking around the room. Sam was still in the kitchen, but his eyes kept glancing in our direction, caught between a look of confusion and admiration. I could swear I saw a hint of envy mixed in his expression.
‘How are you feeling about the apartment?’ Joshua asked. ‘Can’t be nice to feel so unsettled.’ Unsettled. Settled. That damn word again.
‘Yeah, just excited to get in now,’ I lied.
‘I bet.’ He raised one eyebrow before looking down at his rough hands. You could tell he was the kind to throw himself around on a surfboard. A little like Sam. He looked at me again, opening his mouth to speak but hesitating for just a moment before saying, ‘Bit weird about your landlord and the renovations, eh?’ My eyes couldn’t help but widen, feeling the burn of Joshua’s blues ones, like a spotlight in an interrogation room. I looked around the room for sight of Sam, longing for him to save me before I could incriminate myself further.
I was sure Joshua could see right through me. Perhaps years of reading defensive youths had prepared him for detecting my lies. I wanted to move but his gaze held me still.
‘Yeah.’ I held his eye contact a moment longer, taking another sip of wine. ‘Weird.’
‘And did you get everything sorted at the magazine?’ he pressed on, as I caught my breath.
‘Huh?’ I couldn’t help but spill the sound, trying my best not to spill my wine.
‘They wanted to check something yesterday?’
‘Oh right, yeah.’ I sighed, struggling to keep up with my own secrets around him. ‘Just confirming a few things for when I start.’
‘In two weeks’ time?’
‘Yes,’ I said, cementing my lies. ‘In two weeks’ time.’
‘Must be pretty stressful.’ Joshua cast a brief look to Sam, still shooting glances over at us – at me – from the other side of the room.
‘What?’ I asked again, distracted. Seriously, Joshua was going to start thinking there was something wrong with me – if he didn’t think that already.
‘Like, do you have someone to talk to about it? Not being able to get into your house, temping at the gallery until you’re able to start your real job…’
I gulped; right now there was nothing real about it.
‘Hard to be in a state of flux at the best of times, never mind so far from home,’ Joshua said, casting another look towards Sam, so brief that had I blinked, I would have missed it. There was nothing to talk about. Nothing at all. And if there was, why did Joshua think I’d be talking with Sam? Had Sam told him about us, about how close we were, how we used to share a home, how once upon a time he was my home?
‘Not really, but it’s fine, honestly,’ I said, stuck between Alice and a hard chest. I mean, place. A hard place.
‘Oh.’ Joshua looked taken aback, bringing his full attention back to me. ‘Well, if you need someone to talk to, I’m never too far away…’ He smiled, a smile so warm and full it seemed to deserve the kind of honesty I couldn’t give. I had to sort this on my own, do something on my own.