‘Sure you do,’ Olivia said, waving away my comment once again. ‘You’ve just forgotten or not found it yet. But, Jess’ – it was the first time she’d called me anything but my full name – ‘I promise you, if you stop running for long enough, if you stop trying to force things into what you think they should be, then you’re bound to find out what it is.’
Chapter 35
13 September 2020 – Sydney, Australia
‘Jess? Are you awake?’ Alice knocked softly on the door and I began to stir. I sank further into the sheets I had spent most of the last week tangled within. I still hadn’t got a job and Sam still hadn’t called. He wouldn’t even answer. He probably thought I’d be ringing to beg for him back; why wouldn’t he? Every inch of me had been begging for him since I had seen him for the first time in Woolies. All I wanted to beg for now was forgiveness. For screwing things up for him, for never letting him go. Something told me I had lost him for good this time, even as just a friend. Then there was Joshua.
‘Jess, are you up?’ Alice repeated from the other side of the door. Awake and up were two different things; I certainly wasn’t the latter. And I didn’t want to see anyone. But I didn’t want to be alone either – forever imbedded in contradictions.
‘Yes,’ I replied, eventually.
The gap in the door got bigger and bigger until I could see Alice in her dressing gown standing between the door and the exposed-wood frame. I pushed myself up to sitting, pulling the sheets around my overflowing pyjama top. I smiled at her. She didn’t need to do this, even if Joshua had given her the heads-up that I could do with a friend; no one had said she’d have to house me for this long. Although, given where I’d come from, maybe she should have expected it. Coming across to perch at the end of the bed, Alice smiled in return. I shielded my phone. She didn’t need to know that I’d still been pushing the boundary between sorry and stalker. Sam needed space. She had said that. I had heard that. But still, it was a week on and I still hadn’t heard from him. I’d gone years without contact, and yet a few weeks had managed to rewind the clock. My sanity depended on his acceptance of my apology. I just really wanted to make it okay, to make sure he was okay.
‘Sleep alright?’ Alice stroked her hand across the bed sheets. I nodded.
‘Have you got work today?’ I asked, even though the fact that she was in her fluffy dressing gown past nine a.m. would suggest she didn’t.
‘No,’ she confirmed, and I smiled. Maybe today we could go out and do something, something that didn’t involve looking for jobs, homes, or anything else that reminded me what I didn’t have. ‘But I am about to head out,’ she continued. It was a weekend day off; of course she had plans. ‘Church this morning, but I might do a bit of shopping in the city after, if you fancy joining?’ Alice stood, heading for the door. Church, with Sam? Perhaps I could go, just catch him for a minute. ‘Help yourself to breakfast, or anything else…’ Alice continued, mistaking my silence for refusal. I couldn’t blame her for questioning whether I’d get out of bed today.
‘Can I come with you?’
‘That’s what I just asked.’ Alice shook her head, laughing, ‘I could meet you about midday.’
‘No, to church.’ Where Sam is. ‘Could I come along?’
A little smile spread across Alice’s face. She never thought I’d ask. I was just as surprised as she was, but needs must. She nodded, gave me half an hour to get ready, and pulled the door closed behind her just as gently as she had entered. Half an hour. Half an hour to master ‘please forgive me’ chic. What the hell did you wear to church? My old Brownie uniform probably wouldn’t cut it this time. And anyway, it was slim pickings. I approached my rucksack, trying desperately to ignore how it perfectly encapsulated my down and out life. Opening it, my string bikini fell out. Not the one. It might not even get another look-in. I quickly drowned thoughts of surf lessons past. Maybe Joshua would be at church too? But first, Sam. I had to fix things with Sam. I rummaged further into my packed-up life and pulled out the longest black dress I’d brought in case a formal occasion should arise – it was hard to tell what you’d need when you were packing to move to the other side of the world. It even covered my knees. I could just visualise Zoe taking her scissors to it now, forcing my hemlines shorter and my nights out longer. My heart ached for those moments, the start of a friendship I thought would see us through it all. Now with my dress on, hair brushed and a slick of make-up, I headed out of the door to find Alice standing before me. I looked from her flip flops, past her blue jeans, up to her tight white tank top. In return, she noted my kitten heels and formal attire. Shit.
‘You look gorgeous,’ Alice said, in an act of pity or generosity. I looked overdressed. But there was no time to change. I followed bohemian Alice out onto the streets of laid-back Sydney with Sam’s words about the city suiting me leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.
I stood outside and looked up at the steeple shining in the morning sunlight. Alice, flip-flopping a couple of strides before me, turned back around. ‘Why are you stopping? It’s over here.’ She pointed to the entrance of a nondescript warehouse, overflowing with hipsters drinking coffee from takeout cups. Crap. I’d look even more out of place in there. Alice steered me into the massive open space of the warehouse. Music was pumping, the lights were low and the people were all on some kind of high. Or at least they seemed it, smiling and waving as I entered the so-called church. Alice embraced person after person as we made our way to our seats. I’d have thought she was some sort of Christian celebrity or something if all the other people around us weren’t doing the same. I scanned the room for Sam. I couldn’t see him anywhere. So, this is where God grew them, I thought, recalling Jamie, Alice and the other miraculous creatures I’d seen mill round Sam and Jamie’s 341 Oberon crew.
Thankfully, I couldn’t see Jamie anywhere either. If I was her, I’d murder me for showing up here. I was sure they’d frown on that in church. Alice passed me a paper coffee cup and ushered me down one of the rows. I sat obediently, still looking around for sight of Sam. Across the room I saw another familiar figure striding into the warehouse. I tried to turn away, but he had caught my eye – not smiling, not mean, but sensibly keeping his distance. Joshua nodded in our direction. I turned back to Alice, struggling for the right words, but just then the music came to a crescendo and the band took to the illuminated stage.
Alice rose to her feet and I mirrored her cue. Before long, the music had kicked into full blast, young twenty-somethings bouncing on the stage as people around the room swayed in time to the music, some raising their hands to the sky, eyes closed, somewhere else entirely. I wished I was somewhere else too. Between the darkness and spotlights it was almost impossible to search for Sam. On the upside, with everyone’s eyes closed at least I didn’t have to be subtle. He wasn’t here. My heart sank. I’d not only cost him his fiancée, I’d cost him his bloody faith. Old Sam was probably back, shagging his way across Sydney, cynical and certain. I began to close my eyes, hoping the music would drown out my thoughts. But then, I saw them. Across the room, towards the front of the crowd, I saw Sam and Jamie. Both had their eyes closed, one hand each extended to the sky in praise, their other hands held tightly together. I saw their interlaced fingers, steadfast and firm, Jamie’s rock of an engagement ring illuminated by the flashing lights. Joshua was right; why would Jamie be threatened by an old uni girlfriend? They had decided to get married, for real, not the naive musings of two love-drunk students. Sam wouldn’t ‘always love me, J,’ not in that way, not now, not ever. And now, not even as a friend. I closed my eyes. I let the darkness cover me, and then I felt a hand slip into mine. Alice, strong but soft beside me. A tear escaped from my mascara-masked eyes and I choked, ‘Do you think they’ll ever forgive me?’