“Uh, yeah. I wasn’t sure if you knew about all that.”
“I’ve heard some things.” His gaze moved to his own arms, crossed and resting on the edge of the pool.
“Ah yes. Kim, the wild child who ruined it all.” Emotion cracked my voice. I wanted one person who knew me as me and not my past.
“What actually happened?” He returned his gaze to hold mine. No judgement.
My face scrunched up. “Are you sure you want to hear?”
“I wouldn’t have asked,” he said sincerely.
“I was on a set track since birth. I’d always been uber-motivated. Great grades. Acceptance to Juilliard. Everything was going great. Until it wasn’t.”
He nodded. “It’s a lot on the shoulders of a kid.”
“Yeah, and I skipped a grade, and with a late birthday too. So, I was sixteen and had spent a whole lifetime up to that point focused on that one goal. Graduate and become first chair of an orchestra like the New York Philharmonic or somewhere huge.”
He didn’t say anything, just listened. My goodness, a man who listened. Call the church, we had a miracle on our hands.
“One day, at the start of my Senior year, it all just felt like too much. I’d just gotten home from school. I had to get ready for my private lesson and it suddenly it felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like I couldn’t get off my bed and even grab my cello. That weekend I went to a bar I knew wouldn’t check IDs. I was looking for trouble, and I found him. His name was Jethro. I fell hard and fast. He was beautiful and charming and so sweet.” I sighed with a little blush.
Jethro hadn’t loved me, but he had loved my body. The fallout of my disastrous choices overshadowed so much of the greatness of those short few months, but there were revelations too. My body had been a mystery before Jethro, something I used to accomplish a goal. After that, it was like I had this super-power. I could feel pleasure whenever I wanted. More than that, another person could bring me pleasure. I’d felt so many things. The man had opened me up. And he’d been damn good at it. I’d discovered what I liked and didn’t like.
Thinking about all this reminded me it had been a while since I’d had that with another partner. I was … well, I was the bear in the cage and sex was the steak. You know what? Forget the bear thing. Truth was, Jethro had given me an appetite and I hadn’t been sated since.
“Unfortunately, he moved with a fast crowd—a terrible motorcycle club. He was a lost soul then too. His daddy was bad news. Anyway, I got hooked on the feeling of riding with him. That unpredictability and wildness. I skipped lessons, and then school. I was absolutely addicted to not having any plans.” I closed my eyes and remembered the vibration of the bike as it rattled my chest. The open road ahead with nothing to do. That feeling like my whole life was ahead of me, and I didn’t have to make a single damn plan.
“But this story isn’t a happy one.” He didn’t quite ask.
“No. I started doing drugs. At first, I told myself it would help with my grades and relieve the pressure. But it quickly became apparent that I was no longer in control.”
He frowned with a nod.
“I was lucky that my parents caught on fairly early. Some of the kids I partied with didn’t have anybody looking after them and never got out. But my parents found some drugs in my cello case. From there, it was off to rehab for the rest of my senior year. No more scholarship. No more first chair. I’d messed up. My whole reputation was ruined for a few months of fun.” I let out a long breath.
It was a while before he spoke. Maybe I had unloaded too much, too soon. I didn’t tell him everything, but it was nice to get this much off my chest. My filter was clearly gone around him.
“I think the past is tricky. It shapes so much of who we are. Mistakes, especially. But they’re necessary, you know? It’s a fine line between learning from them and being indebted to them.”
I held on to his every word.
“But you can’t let it hold you prisoner. It was just a lesson, not a life sentence.”
Goosebumps trickled down my neck. “That’s true. It’s hard, because my whole life changed after that. I didn’t really feel like I could trust myself anymore.”
He shook his head. “You can trust yourself. You just have to listen first. Listen when your heart tells you what it wants.”
The air between us grew charged. What did I want? My body seemed to want something that my mind wasn’t ready for. My heart hammered and I felt so heavy for somebody floating. I focused instead on why we were here: his music. Outside of that, I wasn’t sure. I had lived so long in fear of dreaming too big. I wasn’t ready to think about all that.
“Thank you,” I finally settled on. “For letting me talk about it. It’s this big black spot on my life. Most people ignore it or actively change the subject because it makes them uncomfortable.”
“Take it from someone who also has a big black spot. The opinions of those people don’t matter. It’s just your people that matter. The people who love you as you are. The real you.”
The SWS immediately came to mind. They couldn’t care less about my success or failures. They just loved me.
“You’re right,” I said. “So wise for a masked man.”
“Har har.”
I wanted so desperately to take the focus off me and move it back to him. I wanted to learn everything about this man.
He must have sensed my body tensing. “Don’t you dare,” he said.
I wiggled my eyebrows. “On your marks.”
We grinned at each other.
“One more lap,” he said.
“Fine.”
“And one more thing, and this is really important—” He dunked his head and shot off the wall.
“Cheater!” I yelled, but he was already gone.
Chapter 19
Fear holds you back.
KIM
The swim with Devlin was cleansing. When we were relaxed around each other it felt like we were old friends. That’s how it felt being with the SWS. The girls and I could go months without meeting up—once we even went almost a year—but then the second we were back together, it was like no time had passed. With Devlin too it was as though our souls were old friends. Only my evolving desire for him felt new.
The shower that followed our swim melted my bones. I fell into bed in a pair of his sweatpants and the T-shirt I’d worn the night before. I was just on that happy verge of sleep when a bang rattled the house. It cracked through the air out of nowhere.
My eyes shot open with my heart pounding in my ears. My arms gripped the comforter as though they could keep me from whatever danger approached. My sleep-addled brain couldn’t comprehend the sound until a second later when the room lit up as lightning flashed, followed immediately by a clap of thunder that rattled the windows.
I flipped over to scream in the pillow, kicking my legs. I was so tired. My body was desperate for sleep but—
CRASH!
It wasn’t that the thunder scared me. It just stirred up memories from that final night at camp. Normally, I’d just crank up the music or put on headphones. But I didn’t have my headphones.