As I walk to the ticket counter and head toward the international departure area, I search the crowd for a glimpse of curly brown hair. Sam said she was going to L.A. and she’s probably flying out today. I keep hoping for a miracle, for a chance to set things right between us before I fly to one side of the world and her to the other, but apparently there are no miracles on my plate today.
All I can hope for is that God or the Universe or whatever force is out there that sometimes lowers itself to intervene in human affairs will make a miracle happen for Caitlin and Gabe and make sure my niece doesn’t grow up without a mother.
Chapter Eighteen
Danny
“Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.”
-Lord Byron
* * *
They say things always look better in the morning and that everything happens for a reason.
They say that love makes all things possible and good things come to those who wait.
Well, I call bullshit on all of that.
I get off the plane at the airport in Croatia feeling like I’ve been run over by a truck and kicked in the gut a few times for good measure and head straight to the hospital in Porec, arriving just in time to watch my sister flat line as her heart stops beating. Nurses rush in, followed by doctors and a burly guy whose sole job seems to be to shove everyone who loves Caitlin out of her room.
Gabe, Ray, Sean, Emmie, and I are pushed out into the hall and granted a glimpse of Caitlin’s gown being wrenched open as they squeeze jelly onto her chest before the door slams in our faces. Gabe, who is out of his mind with grief and lack of sleep, lunges for the door and Ray and I have to hold him back. He does his best to kick our asses while crying so hard his entire body is heaving, but Ray and I manage to drag him back down the hall to the waiting room.
Emmie and Sean follow, both of them crying and Emmie chanting “please, please, please” over and over again until I’m worried my niece is on the verge of some kind of mental break.
I wouldn’t blame her. It’s too much. It’s all too fucking much.
We sit in a miserable huddle in the corner of the waiting room for ten long minutes while all the people passing through do their best to avoid eye contact and keep from catching the plague of grief hanging in a thick cloud around our heads. Finally, a nurse comes out to tell us that they got Caitlin’s heart started again and she’s stabilized.
Emmie starts chanting “thank you, thank you, thank you,” Sean runs to the bathroom like he’s going to be sick, and Gabe jumps to his feet, insisting that he needs to see Caitlin right away.
“I’m sorry, sir,” the nurse with the massive bun perched on top of her head like a burnt cinnamon roll says. “Mrs. Alexander won’t be allowed visitors for at least twenty-four hours.”
“She’s my wife,” Gabe insists, voice cracking. “I need to be there. She’ll know I’m there, even if she’s not awake.”
“I’m sorry.” The nurse holds up her hands. “Hospital policy—”
“I don’t give a shit about hospital policy,” Gabe says. “I need to see her.”
Gabe is still arguing with the nurse five minutes later, when another nurse comes in to tell us that Juliet, my new niece, went into respiratory distress and is being moved to the NICU. My poor brother-in-law stops talking mid-sentence and drops his face into his hands, obviously about one more piece of bad news away from taking a gun to his head.
“Ray, take everyone down to get lunch at the café across the street,” I say, pushing some money into my brother’s hands. “I’ll come get you in an hour or so and drive everyone home to get some rest.”
Ray nods before his tired eyes shift to Gabe. “Okay, but don’t let him be alone right now, okay? I’m worried.”
I nod. “I won’t. I’ve got this. Just see if you can get Emmie to calm down. Get her some hot cocoa or something.”
“I’m so glad you’re back,” Ray says, sounding way older than eighteen and so sad that I have to pull him in for a hug. Ray and I have never been super close—I’m all action and he’s all forethought—but the way his arms wrap tight around me make it clear he needed a hug as much as Emmie did when I first showed up at the hospital twenty minutes ago.
My niece had hung onto my neck so long my spine had started to ache, but I wasn’t about to let her go. I’m not going to let any of the people I love go. Everyone is going to get better and stay alive. I’m not going to bury my sister or her baby. I fucking refuse to let it happen.
* * *
They say where there’s a will, there’s a way, but the truth is all the will and prayer and hope in the world can’t make all the wrong things right or heal people who are too broken to get better.
For the next week, the Alexander-Cooney family hunkers down and hopes and prays while Caitlin continues to cling to life by her fingertips and the baby loses precious ounces as she labors for every breath. My brothers and I sleep in shifts and make sure one of us is always at the hospital with Gabe. We’re afraid what he might do if Caitlin dies and he’s alone. We don’t speak the fear aloud, but all of us are thinking the same thing.
I know deep down Gabe doesn’t want to make his daughter an orphan, but he’s not thinking clearly. He’s lost in his pain and grief and something in my gut tells me he’s not coming back from that dark place without Caitlin by his side.
On day six, I bring Gabe a sandwich from across the street and step out onto the balcony outside the waiting room to call Sam’s dad for the twelfth time since the plane landed. I don’t expect him to answer my call—I’ve gotten the hint that I’m being frozen out for some reason—so when he picks up on the second ring, I’m so surprised I stammer my hello.
“H-hi Mr. Collins. It’s Danny. I was hoping you’ve heard from Sam.”
“I’m in L.A. with her right now,” he says in a thick voice. “She’s in with the prosecuting attorney, preparing for the trial.”
“So she’s okay?” I ask. “I mean, she’s holding up? And she’s not in trouble with the police?”
“No,” Mr. Collins says softly. “She’s not in trouble. I think everyone understood why she didn’t want to put herself through this.”
“Do you think I can talk to her?” I ask, aching for Sam, wishing I could be in two places at once. “Does she have a new cell I could call?”
“She does, but she asked me not to give you the number, Danny.”
I squeeze my eyes shut as my heart writhes miserably in my chest. “Please, Mr. Collins. I know I was an asshole to Sam the last night we were together, but I just want to apologize. My sister is really sick so I had to go back home to help out, but I want to be there for Sam. I plan to come as soon as things are okay with Caitlin and the baby.”
If things are ever okay, if I don’t end up staying here to raise a newborn after Caitlin dies and Gabe falls apart.
Mr. Collins sighs, a wounded sound that echoes the way I feel. “Son, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Sam doesn’t want you here and…I’m honestly not sure you could handle it. It’s almost killing me and I…” He pulls in another breath and when he speaks again, his voice is shaking. “I’m just the dad.”