Even after Jordan eventually fell asleep and filled the room with the soft breaths of his dreams, Rex shifted uncomfortably, unable to force his eyes closed for very long without being haunted by the fight with his father. Their argument had left him rattled, and despite what he’d told Jordan on the way home, things weren’t fine.
Deep down, he knew that no matter how horrible his father had been in the past, Alan was right about one thing. He was a runner. He always had been, even as a kid listening to his parents greet each other via screaming matches. He ran to the library. He ran to Nana. It didn’t matter where he was going, so long as it was away from the mess he’d found himself in.
He’d run away from Sweet Rose, too.
This realization was like a metronome in his mind, never leaving him for more than a beat before returning to center stage. Frustrated with himself, he slipped out from under Jordan’s arm without waking him and headed to the bathroom. There, he flicked on the stark light and blinked at the harshness. His reflection looked as exhausted as he felt.
Confirming his father’s point yet again, Rex was hit with the same overwhelming urge to turn away. To look at something else so that he didn’t have to look himself in the eyes. This time, he refused. Rex gripped the edges of the porcelain sink and met his own gaze hard. He could walk the other direction from a lot of things, but not himself.
In staring at his own face, Rex identified the proverbial gnat flying around his head, buzzing incessantly. It wasn’t just that Alan’s assessment had been correct. It was that for the first time in his life, he wished he didn’t run. Rex couldn’t fool himself into thinking he was someone he wasn’t. He’d seen too many times before how trying to force things to work only led to heartbreak. He couldn’t force himself to stick around. One day, something would send him racing away from Sweet Rose the same way he’d left years before. The difference now was that he’d be leaving Jordan in his wake.
The thought made him feel sick unlike anything else had. He’d been around Jordan enough to know that the man was fragile. He protected himself with biting snark, but the truth was that his barbed wire was there to protect a heart that bruised far too easily. A means to keep himself safe from the heartlessness of any Sweet Rose suitors.
But he’d turned off the electric fence and let Rex in. He’d made the very mistake that caused him to put up the walls in the first place. Rex wouldn’t assume the best of himself. He couldn’t possibly do that, not given his history. He knew his limitations and knew what was feasible. Being the man that Jordan needed just wasn’t in his wheelhouse.
The thought made his eyes water, and he pressed his palms roughly against his face, stopping them. “Goddammit,” he hissed, holding his breath to try and contain his emotions. He didn’t do this anymore. He’d taught himself to keep it under wraps years ago, but the thought of Jordan being broken up because of him sent prickles of shame down his body and guilt bubbling up from his throat. It wasn’t right, and he knew it.
The knock at the door made him jump. “You okay in there?” Jordan asked. Rex counted down from five before he said,
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
The doorknob twisted, and Jordan appeared behind him in the mirror, wrapping his arms around his waist and dropping his chin on Rex’s shoulder. “Thought maybe you fell in or something,” he teased. Despite the nightmare of emotions shuddering inside of him, Rex smiled.
“Nope, just thinking.”
“Penny for your thoughts?”
“Nothing exciting.” Rex cleared his throat and turned back to Jordan, distracting him with a kiss. “C’mon. Let’s get back to bed.” He led Jordan out of the bathroom with his hands on his shoulders. When he reached back to flick off the light, he caught sight of himself in the mirror, and his forced smile faded.
Thirteen
Jordan didn’t get nervous often. Alright, so maybe that was a lie, and he did have a tendency to stress over even the smallest of details. He couldn’t help it. Anxiety was in his nature, and he rarely had the means to cope with it. Knowing himself, Jordan spent most of Saturday morning trying to think about anything else but the fact that Rex wasn’t answering his phone and he wasn’t texting him back.
He distracted himself with laundry, doing the dishes, and making sure the house was spotless for the meeting that was happening shortly. Busy work always cleared his head and kept him from going down a catastrophizing spiral that would leave him stressed for the rest of the morning. He even considered heading to the grocery store to try out a new recipe, like he did when things got too bad to handle, but it wasn’t to that point yet.
Every now and then, though, Jordan found himself wiping his hands and reaching for his cellphone to see if Rex had responded. It wasn’t like him to leave him hanging for this long. Usually, Rex had a message sent back before he could even put the phone down and do something else. That was how they’d gotten to know each other better in the middle of the night, back before Rex had become a regular member. He rarely got any sleep in when he and Rex started texting each other.
“Answer your phone, dummy,” Jordan muttered, tossing his cellphone onto the couch in irritation. Whatever, he thought. He had more important things to worry about, like what he was going to serve for the treat during the meeting. He scrolled through his favorite baking blog, Made with Love, and settled on an easy chocolate-vanilla swirl cupcake recipe. He already had all the ingredients, and if he timed it right, he’d have them baked and iced just before the rest of the club members arrived.
Try as he might to get his mind off of Rex, he found his thoughts drifting back to their dinner last weekend. While he combined the butter and sugar, he grimaced at some of the things his father had said, and when he placed colorful cupcake liners in the baking tray, he rocked back and forth on his heels at the thought of growing up with a man like that in his life.
His relationship with his parents hadn’t been the greatest, but they were never as strained as Rex, Amy, and Alan. Even at their worst, his folks still respected him enough not to talk to him the way Alan did. Hell, when he came out to Sherleen, she’d insulted his parents and him but had never crossed the line that far. She’d never gone far enough to permanently damage their relationships, and when she finally came around to acceptance, she put her all into making amends.
It felt foreign to be harboring so much antagonism to blood relatives, but Jordan didn’t want to assume. He didn’t know what it was like growing up with Alan. If he’d been anything like he was at the restaurant, Jordan was willing to bet that Rex’s resentment towards the man was more than warranted.
Jordan had just finished icing the last cupcake when there was the first knock at the door. He wiped his hands and hurried to answer it, internally sighing when he saw that it wasn’t Rex. Still, he met Charles with his usual enthusiasm, inviting him inside and keeping him entertained until the other members arrived.
“These look heavenly,” Gloria said once they were all settled in the living room and the cupcakes were situated in the middle of the coffee table. “Did you make these?”
“I did,” he smiled bashfully. “I made enough for everyone, but I don’t think Rex is going to be able to make it this week, so if someone wants to take a few home, I don’t think he’d mind too much.”