Grateful he’d changed the subject, I smiled. “Pure joy.” Trey continued to study me as I tried to put into words why having Alivia in my life made everything better. “Even on my worst days, when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, one look at her and life is suddenly perfect. It’s the kind of love that can’t be described.”
In a flash, his expression grew hard as he pushed his uneaten lunch a few inches away. While I wondered what I’d said that caused his shutters to slam shut, he completely changed the subject. “Once the paternity results are complete, and I have proof that Alivia is indeed my kid, I want to meet her. You may have this grand plan, but you can’t expect me to ignore that she exists.”
“Trey, please.” I tried to hide the panic that crept through every vein in my body. “Let’s fast-forward a month, a year. Suddenly, you wake up and realize having a kid doesn’t fit into your lifestyle. And then I’m left with a little girl who doesn’t deserve to be confused.”
I’d been an adult when my parents abandoned me, and it had screwed me up big time. I couldn’t even imagine the damage it would cause at such a young age. Better she never knew her father than to have him walk away at some point in her life.
“I said I’ve changed,” he argued in a strained voice that revealed a new level of despair.
“But your lifestyle hasn’t. You’re still required to tour the world, and the responsibility of a child doesn’t fit in with Trey Taylor, the rock star.”
“What do you know about what fits in my life?” he barked forcibly. But any remorse he felt dissipated when I didn’t even flinch. “You don’t know me.”
“You’re right. I don’t know you. I guess I’m assuming I know how you’ll behave based on your very public persona.” My features softened as I remembered what he’d been through. And I hated to bring him even more angst, but I was all Alivia had. “If something were to happen to me, Alivia deserves a stable environment. I just want to protect my daughter.”
“And I just want to get to know her.” Trey stood with an abrupt jolt. “My lawyer will be in touch.” With one last glance, he opened the door and left the room.
An unimaginable swell of apprehension made for a stressful train ride back to Queens. I wasn’t expecting Trey to sign the paperwork without those paternity results, but I had hoped he would agree to do so without argument once he learned Alivia was his.
Stuck between remorse and resolve, I tried not to let panic overwhelm me. There were no guarantees in life. But God forbid something did happen to me—the thought of Alivia living with strangers, or in horrific conditions, terrified me.
I worked very hard for Alivia to avoid that kind of existence, living from day to day, check to check. Thankfully, my tenacity and perseverance had paid off. From an early age, my father passed his knack for computer coding down to his kids. He was a proud man and made it his mission to set my brother and me on a path that could afford us great possibilities. Unfortunately, that pride he possessed was what had forever splintered our relationship.
With no family to speak of, my friend Debbie and her husband Carson have taken on that role. She was like a sister to me, Carson a big brother, and they were who I trusted Alivia to be with.
So much has happened in the last six years, but every ounce of distress I endured since becoming pregnant instantly vanished the moment I walked into Alivia’s classroom.
“Livi.”
She lifted her adorable little head to meet my eyes. “Momma!” she called, abandoning her doll and her friends to charge toward me. I caught her in my arms, nestling my face in the crook of her neck. When I pretended to nibble on her sweet skin, and she squirmed while giggling, all was right in my world again.
Chapter 6
Trey
Just as I wrapped a towel around my waist, my cell phone buzzed where it lay on the vanity, Leila’s smiling face displaying on the screen.
Hitting the speaker icon, I greeted her by saying, “I’m fine, Little Lair.” That wasn’t entirely true, but Leila couldn’t help with the anxiety that plagued me. How I managed it was another story, and so far utilizing my personal gym had been the method of choice whenever temptation reared its ugly head.
“I know you are,” she bantered back. “We’re ordering dinner and wanted to know if you’d join us.”
“Lei, it’s three p.m.”
“I know. But we’re just relaxing and thought maybe you’d like to come by and hang out until then.” The request itself wasn’t unusual. Leila often invited me over to ensure I not only ate regularly but did so with people who loved and supported me. Still, I saw right through her motive tonight.
“Lei.”
“What?”
“You’re as subtle as a gas explosion,” I teased.
“What are you talking about?”
I rinsed the razor beneath the running stream of water and wiped the excess shaving cream off my face. “I know that you know the results should be coming any minute now.”
“Oh, is that today?” She pretended ignorance, and at hearing my exaggerated scoff, she amended, “Okay, fine. I thought it might be easier for you to be with us when you—”
“No,” I blurted out, stopping her. “I’m sorry,” I quickly went on to say. “I know you’re trying to be there for me, and I appreciate it. But I think I should do this alone.” Maybe it was my own subconscious realizing the significance of the moment as being a very personal one. It was important that I jump off that cliff without anyone willing to catch me. This was on me.
“I understand,” she replied. “But if you change your mind, or if you need us once you know…”
“I’ll call you immediately.”
“Good. We love you, Trey.”
“I know. I love you too.”
Once she hung up, I stared at my reflection long and hard. Over the past year I had definitely mastered putting up a brave front. I may not have been close to undoing all I’d accomplished in my constant battle with sobriety, but I’d be lying if I said numbing myself hadn’t still held appeal… especially at times like this.
The day we all met with Camilla I had stuffed my angst into a box until the time came when I’d have to deal with it. It would never have occurred to me to research different labs who handled paternity tests. From what I knew, you took the test, waited weeks upon weeks, and got the results. But thanks to Jack and Leila, who’d had their own experience on the subject a few years back, I would have the results only three days after having given my DNA sample.
I had yet to tell the rest of our band but wanted to wait for a definitive answer before opening that can of worms. Now that I had that answer within reach, part of me debated on taking Leila up on her offer to be with me when I opened the email.
Funny how the idea of a child no longer terrified me. I could attribute that only to Tara and I having decided to adopt just before I lost her. And now, if anything, finding out that Alivia wasn’t my daughter was what scared me. It seemed ridiculous that a man like me, who had never intended to have a kid, would mourn if a little girl I never even met turned out not to be mine.