Surprisingly, while lying in my bed, I even saw Camilla during those daydreams. She was always beside or behind Alivia, with a smile on her pretty face instead of her usual scowl. I had no idea what kind of relationship I’d have with Camilla, but I hoped co-parenting wouldn’t be a constant struggle. Maybe with time she could accept me and all my baggage… and I could forgive her for keeping Alivia from me.
And maybe I could finally be happy again. All in all, I felt optimistic over my future. For the first time in a long time, I felt at peace.
Who was this man? Seriously, I had to have been abducted by aliens at some point these past few months.
Once my thoughts calmed, sleep came quickly. But my newfound state of tranquility was short lived when I ironically had my first nightmare in months.
I sprang up in bed, drenched in sweat, panting while trying to bring more oxygen into my lungs. Sure, I wasn’t a stranger to disturbing dreams. They used to occur nightly, the vivid reenactment of the accident, or a memory of Tara and me that always ended in a tragic new way. And after each time, I’d eventually come out of it knowing it was all part of the healing pattern my psyche needed to navigate. According to Dr. Rutherford, it was a form of PTSD that came from all the tragic events in my fucked-up life.
But this time was different. This time I couldn’t shake the dread I felt in my chest, and it stayed with me long after I woke. Never before had I felt panicked with such a deep-rooted fear.
Later that morning, I received a text from Camilla with a song and dance about canceling lunch. Claiming she had a ton of work to do, Alivia had activities, and they were both coming down with colds, she pushed me off for the remainder of the week as well. And after last night’s nightmare, I decided to give her the space she needed… the space I needed, which meant taking a step back to regroup.
As long as I was diving headfirst into fatherhood, then I’d do so proactively. Through a text, I bailed on dinner with her friends on Saturday, claiming an engagement I had forgotten about and asking if they could reschedule in the coming weeks. That would give me time to prove I was in this for the long haul.
Next on my list was to meet with my financial adviser. I had him set up a trust fund for Alivia, including all the retroactive child support I would’ve paid since birth, and an ongoing payment schedule effective immediately. I also, thanks to my dream and life in general, put the wheels in motion to have Alivia named as my sole beneficiary. My lawyer, Gene, wasn’t happy.
By the time Friday came around, I felt more in control of my intentions. But that damn nightmare still haunted me. Fears that I never knew existed oppressed me. It was a different kind of worry… it was petrifying.
After filling in Jack and Leila of all that had happened the past few days, they thought it would benefit me to talk it out. I agreed and decided not to keep Alivia a secret any longer. I asked them to call an emergency meeting regarding the tour, at which I would break the news that I had a kid to my other bandmates.
When I strolled into the studio, beating everyone else, Jack couldn’t mask the surprise on his face. “What?” I asked, plopping into a chair beside him.
“Nothing.” Despite his one-word response, his expression meant he also believed I’d been abducted by aliens.
“Where’s Lei?”
“I’m here,” she responded from the doorway. Haven, her assistant, followed behind, wheeling a cart loaded up with our breakfast. “Good morning,” Leila then said with a brilliant smile, but one look at me and it morphed into a frown. “What’s wrong?”
How the fuck did she always know?
Normally, I’d razz her on that sixth sense she seemed to have when it came to my life, but I couldn’t bring myself to joke about it this time. Sensing my unease, she sat beside me and laid a hand on my arm. “Is it because you’re telling the guys?”
“No, that’s not it. I went to Queens again yesterday.”
“Did it not go well?”
“Actually, it went really well. By some sheer miracle, Camilla didn’t slam the door in my face. I met her best friend, Debbie. She tried to play devil’s advocate, but by the time she left I had charmed her enough to where she invited me to dinner.”
“Sounds about right,” Leila teased with a smirk. “When is it?”
“Tomorrow, but I backed out.” Just as Leila went to speak, I raised a finger. “I have my reasons.”
She glanced at Jack, who voiced what they both were thinking. “Trey, maybe you’re moving too fast with this whole thing.”
“It’s not what you’re thinking,” I defended myself. “I’m not having doubts that I want Alivia in my life. Just the opposite, actually. I spent the week securing them financially. I bought her a car so she wouldn’t have to drag my daughter around on a bus. If I could buy them a house with a massive fucking stone wall and a moat to protect her, I’d do it today.” Their surprised expressions also held confusion. I couldn’t blame them… this person wasn’t the man they knew so well. I barely recognized myself these days.
“So, what’s the problem, then?” Leila asked.
“I had a nightmare last night. In it, I visited Camilla and Alivia again. No one answered the door, so I strolled the few blocks to the park that Alivia loves.”
The damn dream consumed my mind once again. So real, so vivid. They waited me out as I breathed through the anxiety that hammered as hard now as it had when I’d woken from it. Avoiding their concerned gazes, I stared down at my hands and continued. “Tara was sitting on a park bench. Her golden locks shimmered under the sunlight. That stunning smile lit up her face in a way that I missed so much… so damn much.” This was hard as fuck. It was easier keeping it all in, avoiding, ignoring. But now that I’d started this, I needed to finish it. I could feel their eyes on me when I dragged in a breath.
Leila squeezed my arm supportively, but the shimmer of unshed tears in her eyes caused me to look away again from fear that I’d shut down.
After an audible swallow, I went on and said, “Beside her was another bench where Camilla sat crying. Her sadness called to me as much as Tara’s joy had, forcing me to step closer. Camilla never lifted her head. Tara, however, glanced my way, still smiling brightly before returning her attention to what had her so engrossed.
“I followed her line of sight and saw Alivia swinging happily in the distance. Stepping closer still, I called out to my daughter, and Alivia lifted her head. She hopped off the swing and came running toward me, but her tiny body ran right through me to where Tara was still sitting on the bench. Camilla had disappeared just before Alivia hopped on Tara’s lap. When I closed the distance to call out to her again, no words came from my mouth.
“Silence was all that surrounded us, until Alivia said, ‘Will I ever see my mommy and daddy again?’ Tara stroked her head soothingly and smiled. ‘No, sweetheart. I’m sorry. You’re here with me now.’” Only then did I finally look up. Jack looked as pained as I felt, and Leila’s tears now fell freely. “So, I’m not having thoughts of running away, of rejecting my daughter.” My eyes bounced between them for a few seconds. “I’m terrified she’s going to be another person that I love to disappear from my life.”