And fuck me for loving him as desperately as I did.
Needless to say, I probably wasn’t in the most ideal frame of mind when I showed up at Pierce Industries just before nine in the morning, but there I was, pissed and ready to lash out.
“He’s on his way up,” Trish said when I demanded to see Hudson.
Not bothering to sit down, I waited, my stare pinned on the elevator across the hall.
He saw me immediately. Our eyes met, and whatever spark of life had been in his before he’d seen me vanished, leaving his gaze cold and stony.
Without saying anything, he unlocked his office and gestured for me to go in. He followed closely, shutting the door behind him.
I’d told myself on the ride over I’d be civil. I’d told myself I’d be restrained.
Both promises went up in smoke as soon as I was alone with him in the office. “You really fucked up, Hudson,” I said before he’d even made it to his desk. “And you can’t blame that on me. This was your doing. You’re the one who brought this to my house.”
I hadn’t realized how much guilt I was feeling until the words came out. I didn’t want to be the person harassing Hudson and his family. I didn’t like that version of me. I was a different person now, but if Edward wreaked havoc on his life, it would be my fault. Hudson would point the finger at me.
But I’d tried to prevent it! I’d tried and risked my relationship doing so. It was Hudson and his busybody wife that had fucked everything up, and I was here to make sure he got the record straight.
Unfortunately, Hudson wasn’t in a mood to listen, which probably stemmed in part from my hostile approach. He slammed his fist down on his desk. “Did you do it? Are you behind this? Yes or no? Once and for all.”
I flinched, the accusation hurting more coming from Hudson than when his wife had only alluded to it. “No! I told you, I didn’t—”
He cut me off. “Then I didn’t fuck up. We need those journals. We need them to solve this. Whatever it took to get them, I don’t regret it.”
He was curt and dismissive, and I knew in my bones that this entire interaction was unproductive, but I was now not just angry and worked up and worried but also I was goddamned hurt. By both Hudson and Edward. And while I was still learning how to deal with strong emotions, these were some of the most potent I’d had in a long time. They spun in my belly and pressed upward, demanding to be let out. They ruled me.
So instead of leaving, I spewed on. “I have always been real with you,” I told him with raw sincerity. “No matter what I’ve done, what schemes I’ve pulled. I have still always been honest with you, when we were face-to-face. So when I say I didn’t do this, you should know I’m telling the truth.”
Hudson sank into his chair and looked up at me with disdain. “How could I know anything?” he asked with feigned innocence. “I don’t know you anymore. Remember?”
The sharp pain in my chest made it impossible to speak, impossible to even breathe. All I could do was nod and stare and nod some more. What had I even expected? That Hudson would just intuitively understand all I’d done to protect him? That he would apologize or acquiesce or that he’d console me and tell me not to worry about a thing?
Even if it were possible for him to set aside everything that had happened after he met Alayna, even if he knew that I’d tried my damndest to keep him out of this, he was still going through a crisis of his own. Someone was threatening his family. His focus was there, as it should be, on the drama that was already happening to him. He couldn’t be expected to be concerned about drama that was yet to come. He couldn’t be expected to be concerned about me.
Then why was I concerned about him?
Without another word, I spun around and left Hudson’s office. It was time I got my own priorities straight. Hopefully both of those priorities would be waiting for me when I got back to our suite.
Edward wasn’t at the hotel when I got back. He didn’t return that evening either. My messages remained unanswered, as did my calls. By bedtime I’d stopped reaching out all together. He’d come back when he was ready, no sooner, and that was that.
I’d done this to him once. I’d taken off from London and hid away at my parents’, refusing to talk to my husband except for short yes or no texts.
Reminding myself of that fact did nothing to calm the intense storm inside me, but at least it helped my head keep it together.
Thankfully, once I put away my phone, I had a task to keep me preoccupied. The diaries had arrived in a box from London by special delivery just after eight pm. While Cleo gnashed at baby cereal in her high chair, I spread out the books across the dining table, eleven black leather-bound journals containing the record of my cruel past.
I picked one up and leafed through it, my stomach churning as my eyes scanned familiar names and places. There was a lot written in them that I’d forgotten. Much more that I didn’t want to remember. Going through them with Hudson was going to be tough, and for the first time since he’d disappeared, I wished Edward was back specifically to guide me through the task. I still wanted to fight with him, but I wanted him to comfort me, too. Wanted him to wrap me in his arms and let me feel my feelings and tell me what to do.
I can take care of myself.
With a sigh, I put the book back down and worked out a plan for how to get through them. Then I put in an order for breakfast room service and left the journals for the next day.
When I woke up the following morning, my priority was firm in my mind—put our differences aside and find the person who was terrorizing Hudson and Alayna. I’d been too wrapped up in myself to realize how serious the situation was. There was someone angry with things Hudson and I had done in the past. Someone who very much wanted to even the score. His family’s lives were in jeopardy. If it wasn’t Edward behind it, there was a very good chance that my family would be threatened next.
And if it was Edward...well, I needed to know that too.
“Come on in,” I said cheerfully when the Pierces appeared at my door. I nodded to the room service cart that had arrived only minutes before they had. “I’ve already ordered tea and coffee.” I assumed Hudson still drank black coffee, but his wife…? I directed my next words to her. “I didn’t know which you preferred in the morning. I also have an assortment of fruits and breakfast pastries, in case you haven’t eaten yet. I know sometimes it’s hard to remember to take care of yourself in times of stress.”
“I’ve already eaten,” Alayna said without feeling. Then, warmer, she added, “Thank you.”
I refused to be anything but a perfect host. “They’re here if you change your mind.”
“How about we just get started?” Hudson said, as efficient as ever. “Where are the journals?”
“Since you’re obviously not hungry either, Hudson, they’re in here. Follow me.” I walked them down the hall and around the corner to the dining room.
“Is Edward working with us as well?” Hudson asked as they followed behind.
I was glad I wasn’t facing them when I answered. “No. He went into work.” It could have been true for all I knew. Point was, my marital troubles were not of interest to Hudson, nor were they important today. “It’s just us and the nanny.”