Cale pulls away. His hand is cupping my cheek and his other is at my lower back as he gazes down at me. His brows are drawn tightly together, and I can’t tell whether the strong emotion I read on his face is confusion or displeasure. Or something else.
I feel heat rush to my face. “Sorry, I meant to get your cheek.”
He keeps staring at me, an unreadable expression in his eyes. His suddenly very dark eyes. Our arms are still around each other and my body is pressed against his. Maybe he’s not angry after all.
“That was really good,” I whisper, looking at a smudge of red lipstick on his mouth. The act, I mean. The kiss was really good, too. Sensations are racing through my body. All the pent-up energy from the show wants to go somewhere. Into him, and his into me, back and forth, until finally releasing in a great burst. I want that, but I don’t know how to get it, or even what it is.
Cale closes his eyes and presses his forehead against mine, almost like he’s in pain. He wraps his arms around me, and his whole body is rigid like he’s braced for some terrible impact.
“It was great,” he says huskily. “Perfect, sparkle. You—”
He releases me suddenly, takes a deep breath and rakes a hand through his hair. Then he turns and walks away.
“Cale. Cale.”
But he doesn’t hear me over the music from the arena. My part in the show is over and normally I’d head back to my wagon to wash my face and change into regular clothes, but I feel too wound up to leave the tent. I need to see Cale again.
There’s a place at the far end of the backstage area where you can peep out into the arena, and I hurry over to it.
It was great. Perfect, sparkle. Did he mean the act, or the kiss? I wonder what that weird hug was about, and what he stopped himself from saying.
Is it possible that he’s attracted to me, like I’m attracted to him? I never would have imagined so, but as I recall that kiss, the way his teeth sank into my lip, how his hands moved over my body and held me against him, I wonder.
Then he remembered who I am, and he pushed me away.
Interval is over, and a moment later Cale appears in the arena, his black jacket on, smiling around at the audience as confident and relaxed as ever and welcoming them to the second half of the show. The smudge of red on his mouth is gone, as if the kiss never happened.
There’s no sign that anything unusual passed between us as we sit around the fire the next morning. I was hoping that Cale would come and sit next to me, but he stays firmly on the other side. Elke and Anouk take their places beside me instead.
“You guys were amazing last night. How do you feel this morning?” Elke asks.
I flick my eyes up to Cale. He’s standing with his broad back to me with Gorran, drinking coffee and talking. How can he behave so normally when I’m sunk in confusion?
“Oh, great, thanks. It was so much fun.”
And then I kissed my gorgeous partner, and he pushed me away. My much older, gorgeous partner, who’s also the ringmaster of the circus and my closest friend. What if I’ve ruined everything?
“You’re not eating?” Anouk asks.
My stomach squeezes uncomfortably. “I’ll have something later.”
I gnaw on my lip for a moment, wondering if I should tell Elke and Anouk what happened. But what did happen? Cale and I went to kiss each other’s cheeks, but we missed and accidentally kissed instead. It felt like the accidental kiss became a real one at the speed of light, like we were both eager for it to happen and fell into it when it did. What if I’m wrong, though? I’ve never been kissed before and I don’t know how it’s supposed to feel. Dad wouldn’t let me go out on any dates, and I was never that popular anyway. People don’t like you when you’re poor and your clothes are secondhand, or you wear long sleeves in the middle of summer to hide bruises and you’re too afraid to tell anyone that’s the reason why.
A horrible thought crosses my mind. What if Cale thinks I kissed him on purpose, and he was angry or embarrassed, or both, and that’s why he looked so strange and walked away from me so quickly? Maybe he’s disgusted with me, a teenage girl kissing a grown man. My eyes snap to his back, but I’m unable to discern anything from his body language except he’s having a great conversation with Gorran.
He’s not thinking about me, while I’m sitting here obsessing about him.
Elke is watching me closely. “Is everything all right between you and Cale?”
“What? Oh. Yes, I think so. You know him. Every time I think we’ve got the act sorted, he gets spooked about hurting me.” I give her a quick smile, lips closed.
The other two turn and watch him for a moment in silence. Snatches of Cale and Gorran’s conversation reach us. They’re talking about Cornwall, where Gorran’s from.
“He seems cheerful enough,” Elke points out.
“Yeah,” Anouk agrees. “I think you’re stuck with him.”
They go and wash their breakfast dishes and mugs, but I stay where I am, too listless to move. I thought I’d feel wonderful this morning if the show went well, but I just feel empty.
I sense Dandelion’s accusing eyes on me from the other side of the field. She’s bored and wants a treat. I heave a sigh and get to my feet.
Only to find Cale standing right in front of me. He’s got his sleeves rolled back to reveal his forearms. Which makes me think of knife-throwing. Which makes me think of last night’s kiss, or non-kiss, or whatever the hell that was.
“Summer’s getting on. We’ve been heading east, but we’ll start heading north tomorrow,” he says, skipping right over good morning and did you sleep well and your mouth was against mine last night.
North. Back the way we came. Back to where Cale found me. My misery and uncertainty are suddenly joined by panic. I have visions of my father blocking the road in front of the wagons and forcing me back into the house at gunpoint.
His hands touch my bare upper arms, so hot they nearly burn me. Or maybe it’s just that my skin is suddenly icy.
“Ryah? What’s wrong?”
I can’t stop my legs from trembling. “Do we have to go back north? Can’t we just stay down here?”
He looks at me with confusion, and then his face suddenly clears. “We’re not going anywhere near your old home. We’ll pass miles and miles to the east. You never saw the circus in autumn, did you?”
I think about it for a moment, and then shake my head. “No. You’re right. Only in early summer, heading south.”
Next year we’ll pass my home. It’s a long time away, but I can feel the months creeping up like a malevolent, stalking creature. It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask for that hug he promised if I ever needed it, but after last night it doesn’t feel like something I can do anymore.
Dandelion has always been where I flee to when I’m afraid, and I push past Cale to go to her. An arm snakes out and snags me around the waist. Cale’s arm, strong and secure and everything I need. I sag against him, my eyes closing. I want to whimper he feels so good. The muscles of his bicep are strong beneath my fingers.
Cale speaks softly into my ear. “I won’t ever let him hurt you.”
I turn my head and gaze up at him. His face is almost as close to mine at it was last night.