I exchange a tense look with Mr. and Mrs. Hearn, and then hurry after Cale. He’s striding down the hall. I have to jog to catch up to him and I touch his arm. His hand closes around mine ferociously, but he can’t look at me. He focuses on the front door, his only objective getting us out of here. I keep step with him as we walk through the double doors, and then out into the fresh air.
Cale takes a deep, gasping breath and doubles over. For a second I wonder if he’s going to be sick, but he pushes up again a moment later, and his expression is blazing. “He did it. He fucking did it. I could see it in his eyes when he looked at me.”
“I’m so sorry, Cale,” I whisper.
He paces up and down, shaking his head, his eyes feverish. “What difference does it make to him? He’s going down for three murders. He’s an old man and he’s going to die in prison. Why change his mind about one charge at the last second?”
I reach out to him. Instantly, he wraps his arms around me and presses his face into my hair, holding me so tight I can barely breathe. I hold him back as hard as I can. I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing for more strength that I can give to him, to keep him from shattering from grief.
He speaks without lifting his head. “Let’s go home. I just want to go home.”
“We’ll go,” I promise, threading my fingers through his hair. “We’ll go.”
Over his shoulder, I see Mr. and Mrs. Hearn coming down the steps toward us. Both of them look shaken and upset.
I step back, letting the family hug each other. Though Mr. and Mrs. Hearn are gray-faced and red-eyed, they seem more worried about their son than anything else. While Cale and Mr. Hearn speak, Mrs. Hearn takes me aside.
I start talking first. “I’m so sorry, Mrs. Hearn. I wanted you all to get closure so badly.”
She dabs at her nose with a handkerchief. “It is what it is. I don’t pretend to understand what goes on in the mind of a man like that. George and I, we’ve been able to put Mirrie to rest, but Cale never has.”
Maybe Sharrock likes this little piece of power over a grieving family, or maybe four murders is too much. There’s no evidence connecting him to Mirrie. Why accept guilt for something they can’t pin on him?
Mrs. Hearn clutches my hand tightly. “You’ll stay with him, won’t you? He needs a friend right now.”
I grip her hand back just as hard. “I’m not going anywhere without him.”
“Thank you. I’ll know he’ll be all right as long as he’s with you.”
Cale and I say a reluctant goodbye to his parents. There’s a half-hearted suggestion that we stay the night, but no one wants to remain in Cardiff where Bernard Sharrock’s presence will be like a dark presence hanging over us.
It’s a long, cold and silent journey back north. Cale answers my questions in monosyllables. He says he’s not hungry, and when I put coffee and food in front of him, he ignores it.
I watch him silently, a hundred questions crowding in my throat. I only know what his parents told him, and what I read in the papers about the case. Did Sharrock change his mind at the last moment, or was he never going to plead guilty? And if he changed his mind, why? I rack my brains, trying to remember exactly what Cale told me about Sharrock’s confession. Whether it became a proper signed confession, or merely a whisper to a cellmate who was really an undercover cop. Did we all assume too much?
Every time I open my mouth to ask Cale, I see the hollow, black expression in his eyes, and close my mouth again. The Hearns believed with all their hearts that Sharrock was going to confess to what he did to Mirrie today. Somewhere along the way, something went horribly wrong.
Back at the circus that evening, we’re greeted excitedly as we walk into the campsite. It only takes a glance at Cale’s face for everyone to realize it didn’t go well. He heads into his wagon and shuts the door behind him without speaking to anyone. Everyone looks at me.
I sit down by the fire and wrap my arms around my knees, hoping desperately that I’m left alone. I don’t know what to say. All I want is to make Cale feel better, and I don’t know how.
Elke and Anouk sit on each side of me, and they put their arms around me. They don’t speak, and I’m so grateful for their quiet presence. I stare into the flickering flames, hoping to hear the sound of Cale’s wagon door opening and see his booted feet in front of me. Half an hour must pass, but he doesn’t emerge.
Finally, I sit up and look at my friends. “It didn’t go well.”
Elke grimaces. “Yeah, we guessed. What happened?”
I tell them about Mr. and Mrs. Hearn and their hopeful faces. Bernard Sharrock and what he looked like. The courtroom full of important people. The grisly charges that were read out and how Sharrock pleaded guilty to every single one. Until suddenly he didn’t.
“Why did he change his mind?” Anouk asks.
I shrug helplessly, staring into the firelight. “I don’t know. Maybe he never intended to plead guilty to Mirrie’s murder. Maybe his lawyer told him there was a chance he could get off if it went to trial.”
Elke shakes her head. “But what would be the point if he’s admitting to the other crimes? Surely he’ll be put away for the rest of his life for those anyway.”
“I’ve asked myself that, too, and I don’t have the answer.”
“Maybe he actually didn’t do it?” Anouk suggests hesitantly.
“Maybe.”
Some of the others have listened in, and express sadness and frustration for Cale. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the days and weeks ahead, but we’re all here for him. We need our ringmaster.
Elke makes me eat something and then puts me to bed, tucking me in in a motherly fashion. I smile wanly up at her, unable to remember my parents ever doing this for me. I suppose my mother must have, at some point.
“Thank you. I feel like you guys are more my family than my real family ever was.” I look between her and Anouk, and tears fill my eyes. I cover my face and sob into my hands, the exhaustion and emotion of the day overwhelming me.
I feel them both sit down on my bed and put their hands on my shoulders. I get my breath back and wipe my eyes. “I’m just so afraid something is going to happen and I’ll lose you all. You two and Cale. You’re all I have in the world and I love you all so much.”
Elke puts a cool, soothing hand on my brow and brushes my hair back. “Hey. We’re not going anywhere. Neither is Cale.”
Anouk passes me a handkerchief and I mop my face. “One bad thing happening doesn’t mean it’s all going to fall apart. We’ll get through this, together.”
I can handle one bad thing. Its bad things happening one after another after another that I’m afraid of.
In the morning, I sit by the fire drinking coffee, huddled in my jacket and pretending not to watch the door of Cale’s wagon. He’s not with the horses. I already checked. Everyone’s restless and uncertain, because today we’re meant to be moving on. Without Cale, our leader, we don’t know whether we should pack up or even which road we’ll be taking. He’s our captain, navigator and ringmaster, all rolled into one man. If he fails, we all fail.
Finally, Gorran goes up the steps and knocks on Cale’s door. I watch, a sick feeling churning in my belly. The door opens—and I don’t know what I expected to see, but my heart misses a beat and then starts thumping gratefully. Cale comes down the steps, looking more or less like he always has. Maybe a little paler and more tired than usual, but not beaten. Not giving up. He and Gorran speak together for several minutes, and then Cale makes his way across the camp and stops in front of me.